When you first start swinging, it can bring up a lot of awkward and uncomfortable feelings, especially if you dive in too quickly. Even the best experiences can involve jealousy, nervousness, and guilt. If you’re stepping into the Swinging Lifestyle, you might wonder whether you’ll regret it.
The truth is, you might.
Luckily, there are things you can do to avoid feelings of regret. And if you do find yourself regretting swinging, there are ways to resolve those feelings, and they don’t all involve stepping out of the lifestyle entirely.
Do People Often Regret Swinging?
Every day, more people decide to join the swinging lifestyle, trying swinging for the first time. The reasons are as varied as the people themselves. Some are looking to add a little spice or variety to their relationships or find something that is missing. Others want to explore new feelings, sexual interests, sexualities, kinks, and fetishes. Many of these people end up finding exactly what they were looking for. Others end up regretting their sexual adventures.
Unfortunately, regretting swinging is pretty familiar with new swingers.
Does that mean you’re likely to regret swinging?
Just reading this article gives you a better chance of avoiding that regret. You’re making sure that you’re genuinely ready to swing, and that alone can improve your experience in the swinging lifestyle while reducing the possibility of regret.
Most of the people who regret swinging do so because they step into the swinging lifestyle without being fully prepared. However, if you are careful with your approach to swinging and are open and honest in your communication with your partner, you can significantly diminish the potential for regret.
Why Do People Regret Swinging?
There isn’t one specific thing that causes people to regret swinging. Quite a few things can lead to this regret. Most of them are easily avoidable. While you can’t completely guarantee that the swinging lifestyle will be right for you, you can avoid some of the most common mistakes that lead to regret.
Here are a few reasons people typically feel regret after swinging.
- Their Relationship Was Already in Trouble
If your relationship has problems, stepping into the swinging lifestyle can be a big mistake. Swinging requires a great deal of trust and communication. Suppose you and your partner aren’t already in a good place. In that case, swinging is likely to amplify any negative feelings you already have, making current problems bigger and disagreements more difficult to solve.
- One Partner Convinced the Other to Swing
When only one partner truly wants to swing, the other partner can feel obligated to go along with it, especially if their partner tries to convince them to step into the swinging lifestyle with them. This can lead to the less enthusiastic partner being convinced to do things they don’t honestly want to do, a situation that almost always leads to regret.
- They Didn’t Communicate Their Needs
Communication is essential in the swinging lifestyle. If you don’t communicate your needs or boundaries, they aren’t going to be met. This can lead to feelings of hurt, anger, mistrust, and disappointment. A lack of communication can easily lead to one or both partners regretting their swinging adventures.
- One Partner Didn’t Respect the Needs or Boundaries of the Other
When one partner communicates their needs or boundaries and the other partner ignores them, it can do serious harm to the trust in a relationship. This is true in all situations, but it is especially true in swinging, as it can leave one partner feeling as though the other has cheated, causing them to regret swinging entirely.
- They Jumped into Swinging Too Quickly
Swinging is best started gradually, giving both partners time to acclimate to each new level of intimacy. If your first experience with swinging is a full swap or group sex, you won’t have the same sort of experience as someone who took their time and started with something smaller and built up to more intense experiences.
- The Experience was Overwhelming
Reality is not the same as fantasy. Even people who can’t wait to get started can still find the reality of swinging overwhelming. Some people find that the experience is so overwhelming that they can’t perform in the moment. This is especially common for first-timers in the swinging lifestyle.
Often, jumping into swinging too quickly can cause people to feel overwhelmed, but it isn’t the only reason. Swinging is intense. That’s part of the reason people are drawn to the swinging lifestyle in the first place. This intensity can be great. But no one can know for sure how they’re going to feel when things get real. They might love everything about it, but they might also get overwhelmed to the point that they can’t enjoy it.
- One or Both Partners Were Intoxicated While Swinging
Drugs and alcohol can cause sexual situations to get out of hand. When people are intoxicated, they are more likely to do things they wouldn’t normally do. While a drink or two might help you relax before sex, too much alcohol or other intoxicants can cause you to ignore your boundaries or those of your partner, allowing you to do things you regret.
The swinging community is very aware of this and discourages people from drinking or doing drugs before swinging. Many sex clubs, sex parties, orgies, and group sex events don’t allow attendants to be intoxicated. They want to ensure that everyone is coherent and can give enthusiastic consent.
- They Feel Like They Cheated
In a society where monogamy is the norm, sometimes even consensual swinging can feel like cheating. This can cause feelings of guilt and regret. These feelings can be relieved by talking things out with your partner and ensuring they fully consent to your swinging activities.
Sometimes, the reverse can be true as well. Even when both partners consent to swinging, one partner can end up feeling like the other is betraying them or cheating on them. These feelings usually stem from feelings of insecurity, both personal and within the relationship.
If swinging feels like cheating, both parties should reassess the situation, communicating their feelings, needs, worries, and insecurities. With honest and loving communication, these feelings can usually be resolved, and the couple can continue to swing if that is still what they want.
- One Partner Felt Left Out While Swinging
Swinging situations don’t always turn out as we hope. Sometimes, especially during group sex, one person can end up feeling like they aren’t getting the same amount of attention and pleasure as the other people involved. This is especially common during threesomes or foursomes, where one partner gets more sexual attention than the other. This can leave them feeling left out, which is an uncomfortable feeling. In these cases, that partner might regret the encounter. If this is their first swinging experience, they might regret swinging entirely.
While an unbalanced sexual experience isn’t fun, it doesn’t have to be the end of it. With a little communication and planning, the couple can ensure that future swinging encounters are more balanced and enjoyable for everyone involved.
- Only One Partner is Actually Having Sex with Other People
Sometimes a couple will decide to swing, but only one partner ends up having sex with other people. This can feel really unfair and even a little like cheating. This is common in hotwife or cuckold situations. While some couples enjoy cuckold situations, others feel cheated.
This can also happen if both partners agree to swing apart, but only one partner receives opportunities to swing. When this happens, the partner who isn’t having sex with other people should make an effort to find more opportunities or talk to their partner about limiting their swinging adventures so that things are more balanced.
- They Tried Swinging, and Just Didn’t Like It
Swinging works for a lot of people. For some, it is the only way to live. But it isn’t for everyone. No matter how enthusiastic someone is at the start, they may find that swinging isn’t enjoyable. There is nothing wrong with that.
If you try swinging and don’t like it, there’s no need to feel bad. You didn’t fail. You’re not too vanilla. Swinging just isn’t for you. Keep exploring your sexuality, and you’ll be sure to find something that truly works for you.
How to Avoid Regretting Swinging
There’s no single, surefire way to avoid regretting swinging. No matter how carefully you prepare or how enthusiastic you are, you may still find yourself regretting the experience. However, you can do various things to avoid regretting stepping into the Swinging Lifestyle.
- Start on Solid Ground
Before you even contemplate swinging, you need to make sure that your relationship with your partner is solid and secure. If you have feelings of mistrust, jealousy, difficulty communicating, or other relationship problems, swinging will likely make those problems worse. You should never start swinging in an attempt to fix a problem with your relationship. It won’t work.
- Do Your Research
Before you step into the swinging lifestyle, make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. Learn everything you can about the lifestyle. You should learn about soft swaps, full swaps, sex parties, orgies, and all of the lingo used by swingers. There are a lot of new words, phrases, and acronyms to learn. To new swingers, it often seems like the swinging community has its own language.
Join Reddit groups about swinging and read the conversations that others have had, especially those that begin with questions. There’s nothing quite like seeing real people talk about their good and bad experiences. You will be surprised at how much you can learn from that alone.
Don’t forget to check out swinging websites and blogs. Their articles (like this one) offer a wealth of information and advice for new swingers. The more you know about swinging, the better your experiences will be.
- Talk it Through with Your Partner
When you first start swinging, you and your partner will have a lot to talk about. You will need to have several open, honest conversations where you share your wants, needs, expectations, fantasies, and hopes, as well as your fears and insecurities. These conversations will set the foundation for your swinging adventures and reduce the chances of regretting the experience.
Think about how you want to proceed. Will you swing as a couple or individually? Do you want to do full swaps or soft swaps? Are you comfortable with swinging in separate rooms? Is group sex an option? These questions are essential. With them, you can begin to understand the direction your swinging will take.
- Be Certain You Both Want to Swing
Before you step into the swinging lifestyle, you must ensure that both of you genuinely want to swing. If only one partner is interested in swinging and the other simply goes along with it, it will lead to many negative feelings. In every situation, both partners must enthusiastically consent to all activities. If you’re even a little uncertain, you aren’t ready to swing. Be honest about your feelings, even if you feel they might disappoint your partner. Agreeing to something you don’t want will only harm your relationship.
- Set Boundaries
Every couple who swings needs to have a set of clear boundaries and rules for swinging. Without these boundaries, you could end up in a situation that you regret.
Think about what you are okay with and what you aren’t. You may be OK with sex but not with seeing your partner kiss someone else. Or you may find that kissing others is fine, but penetrative sex is too intimate.
Set your boundaries together. You may even want to write them down. Don’t worry. These boundaries can change and grow as you move forward in the lifestyle. They are simply a guide to keep you from doing something you’ll regret.
- Take Things Slow
Swinging is best started slowly. Moving too quickly can be overwhelming. It’s hard to know how you’ll feel in the moment when things go from fantasy to reality, so it’s better to take things one step at a time.
You may want to start with kissing or light touching, then move on to something more intimate like oral sex. Sex can be very intimate, even if it’s with someone you hardly know, and you’ll want to be able to talk to your partner about how you felt about each step before moving on to the next one.
- Communicate Between Each Sexual Encounter
As always, communication with your partner is essential. Check in after each encounter to see how you both feel. Did either of you feel jealousy, guilt, uncertainty, or regret? If so, talk about those feelings and determine why you felt that way and what you can do differently next time. You may want to reevaluate your boundaries at this time.
- Make Sure Your Situation is Fair to Everyone
When swinging is unbalanced, one person can end up feeling regret. Be sure that your encounters and plans are fair and balanced. Swinging should not be one-sided unless one of you has a cuckold fetish. Decide what a fair situation looks like to you as a couple, and make sure that your plans fit that decision.
- Stick to Your Boundaries
It’s all too easy to cross a boundary in the heat of the moment, but you must stick to the limits you set as a couple. Doing something you know your partner wouldn’t be okay with can lead to regret and guilt on your part and a sense of betrayal on theirs.
As a rule, never do anything you wouldn’t want to tell your partner about. While there are swingers who follow a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, that mindset is generally frowned upon by the swinging community. It feels too close to cheating for most people, and it leads to secretive behavior that can leave both partners feeling anxious and uncertain about the other.
- Always Consider Your Partner’s Feelings
Pay careful attention to how your partner feels while swinging. If you are in a situation with another person, couple, or group, keep an eye on your partner to ensure they aren’t feeling uncomfortable. It can help to have secret signals so that you can communicate privately while in a group situation. If your partner seems uncomfortable but doesn’t speak up, don’t be afraid to ask to talk to them privately.
- Speak Up if You’re Uncomfortable
If you ever feel uncomfortable in a situation, make sure to speak up and let your partner know. Swinging only works if everyone enthusiastically consents at all times. There’s nothing wrong with stepping away from a situation that isn’t working for you. Even if it feels awkward in the moment, it can save you a lot of regrets.
- Don’t Swing While Intoxicated
Take it easy on the alcohol and avoid drugs altogether when swinging to avoid doing things you’ll regret. Drugs and alcohol lower your inhibitions, the part of you that tells you not to do something because you might regret it.
When swinging, it’s best to stay clear-headed and keep your inhibitions intact. You want to make the best choices without your mind being clouded. You also want a clear head so you can help your partner avoid uncomfortable situations and make the most of the fun times.
- Don’t Get Emotionally or Romantically Involved
When you get romantically or emotionally involved with someone you’re sleeping with who isn’t your partner, you can quickly cross the line from swinging to cheating. Many relationships have been destroyed this way. If you feel yourself getting too attached to someone you’re swinging with, it’s best to stop swinging with that person before things go too far.
What to Do if You Regret Swinging
No matter how great some people’s experiences with swinging are, the truth is that the swinging lifestyle is not for everyone, nor is it right for every relationship. You might do everything right and still end up regretting the experience. Here’s what to do if you start to regret swinging.
- Don’t Give Up Immediately
Never let a negative experience cause you to give up on something you want, whether it’s the swinging lifestyle or your own relationship. Before you decide that swinging definitely isn’t for you, look at your experiences and determine what about them you regretted. Did you regret one specific situation, or do you feel like there’s more to it? Are your feelings about something you did, something your partner did, or something you did together?
Once you know where the regret is coming from, you can move on to the next step.
- Take a Step Back
If you’re feeling regret, take a break from swinging until the situation is resolved. If you and your partner swing separately, it’s a good idea to ask them to take a break from it as well. This way, the two of you can focus on your relationship and make sure everything is as it should be.
- Talk to Your Partner
Swinging requires a lot of communication, especially when you feel something isn’t going well. Talk to your partner about the situation. Explain what you regret, why you regret it, and whether you’re still interested in swinging. Once your partner knows your feelings, you can work together to find a solution that works for both of you.
If you are having trouble communicating with your partner, you can meet with a relationship therapist. They are trained to help you improve your communication skills and resolve the sticky situations that might pop up.
- Reassess Your Feelings
Once you’ve had an open and honest conversation with your partner, you will better understand the situation. Think about your experiences with swinging. What did you enjoy? What did you not enjoy? Which experiences would you like to repeat? Would you like to try swinging again, perhaps in a different way?
- Set New Boundaries When Needed
Now that you know what you want, it’s time to set new boundaries with your partner. Discuss your wants and needs together and listen to your partner’s needs. Then, set new boundaries together. You can decide to quit swinging if that’s what you want. But you can also choose to take your swinging in a new direction.
- Decide How and When You Will Move Forward
If you decide to keep swinging, determine whether you want to move forward now or wait a little while. Then, determine what your swinging plans will be. If you find that swinging just isn’t for you, that’s okay too. Just make sure that you make your decisions with your partner and that you’re entirely sure about what you want before you do anything.
Swinging Can Be Well Worth the Risk
With excellent communication and preparation, swinging can be an amazing experience. Swinging can bring new, beautiful feelings to an already fantastic relationship. You may feel pride at seeing your partner giving pleasure, joy at watching them in ecstasy, and excitement at being with new people together. Some swingers even love hearing about their partner’s adventures after the fact, getting a sexy thrill from hearing about the fun they had while they were away.
Stepping into the swinging lifestyle can be unforgettable in a great way. You may surprise yourself with how little jealousy you feel or find that swinging leaves you feeling incredibly powerful and in control of your sexuality. You just have to make sure that you’re swinging in a way that feels comfortable to you.
There’s always a chance that you could ultimately regret swinging and decide to stop entirely. But if you really want to try it and you’re both ready, you should go for it. If it’s something you truly want and you don’t try it, you’re only regret might be not giving it a chance.