Self-empathy means that you can notice and observe the part of you that experiences, or the part of you that acts, with openness and without judgment. It requires internal awareness of what’s happening in your lifeworld, and the capacity to seek to understand it. At its fullest, self-empathy is loving and self-understanding.
Why is this important for swinging? Because a lot is going to happen fast. You’ll have a flirty conversation with another couple, and afterward wonder, “Did I say the wrong thing?” You’ll have a play experience that was good but not great, and wonder, “Why did that happen?” And you may even have conflicts with your beloved that leave you wondering, “Why did I do that?”
Because swinging is super social, but not social in the ways you’ve interacted with people in the past, it’s a steep learning curve. Some things will come easier than others, and surely, you will make mistakes. Especially in the beginning, in your first five years of swinging, you are going to make mistakes.
In my first years of swinging, I’d often replay everything that happened in a given night, going over all the juicy details. Indeed, this is one of the most amazing parts of swinging—the memories! The memories you get to share with your partner, reliving them in awesome detail. But it doesn’t feel so awesome if you, like me, are overly self-critical. Instead of it being fun to think back, I found myself questioning my behaviors, over-emphasizing the things I wish I had done differently instead of the things that had gone well. I’d wonder, “Did I get enough consent?” “Was I enthusiastic or affirming enough with our play partners?” “Did I show my own partner enough attention?” I could go ‘round and ‘round, ruminating, wondering, worrying, and shaming myself.
This is where self-empathy comes in. We can’t rake ourselves over the coals every time we make a mistake. We can’t be so ashamed of it that we deny it, or get defensive about it, and refuse to face it. The only way we learn is to revisit our errors and, with openness and curiosity, understand why we acted a certain way. Self-empathy is this little internal reminder that you are not everything you do. You are more than one mistake, one bad punchline, one off-color comment. You deserve more chances, just like everyone else. Self-empathy responds to our internal judge, who might say, “You blew it! Never go back! You mess up too much!” by saying, “You’re human. You can do this. Let’s understand what happened.” Most of the time, when you revisit your actions from the lens of self-empathy, you find that everything is fine; you did fine; you can understand why what you did was reasonable in the moment.
Through self-empathy, you might learn that you have a trigger, dating way back, that you need to face and overcome. Maybe, like me, you felt humiliated as a child, and so there are certain things you need to do (or perhaps request that your partner do) to help you feel respected while swinging. Maybe, like me, you felt abandoned at some point by someone you loved, and so when you start to feel ignored in a Lifestyle setting, you fall back into that place. Swinging, combined with self-empathy, gives you the opportunity to see your wounds and understand yourself better; to heal and grow up and mature. You step into your own world like a detective, seeking to understand with the perspective that you are not crazy; you’re a good person trying your best.
If you don’t have self-empathy, you may find yourself repeating the same cycles of error and shame. Or judgment and blame. But as you learn how to apply this curious, gentle approach to understanding yourself, you’ll break free of these cycles and feel more and more confident in swinger spaces. You’ll also expand your capacity to be empathetic with your partner and other people you meet in the Lifestyle. Just like you give yourself the benefit of the doubt, just like you respond to your own confusing actions with curiosity, you’ll do the same for others. You’ll become more at ease and less fearful. You’ll be more fun to be around, even when you are just by yourself.
If you don’t know where to start, start small. The next time you do something that makes you cringe, take a breath. Let the breath fill you up and refresh you. Once you are calm, ask yourself (sincerely), “What was happening within me at the moment I did that cringy thing? What was I thinking? What was I feeling?” You might find you had a better reason than you thought. This is the beginning of self-empathy.
Much luck to you! – Liv Love