Dates are supposed to be fun so why do we always feel so nervous beforehand? There is the whole “what will we talk about” anxiety. Will there be awkward silences? Who pays for what? What will be expected of me?
Now throw swinging into the mix and there is a whole new list of what-ifs to worry about like play styles or body comparisons and more. Sure, you have the moral support of your partner with you but for the first little while at least there is a good possibility you can feel quite anxious about any swinger date. To help ease that anxiety, here are some tips to help ensure things go smoothly and you all have a fun time!
Talk about it first
Speak with your partner first about what kind of date you want to go on, what kind of couple you are both looking for, and – above all – what you want from the experience. Discuss limits and boundaries and what you both feel comfortable with. Also, make sure to do a quick refresher on your verbal and non-verbal cues to make sure you stay on the same page throughout the experience. Communication is of the utmost importance when it comes to swinging and understanding everybody’s likes and dislikes.
Where to meet couples
A great way to meet other couples is at a swingers club or party. There can be chemistry that will be there in person that just doesn’t translate as well online. A chance meeting at a party or even a planned meet up at a club tends to be lower stakes than a first get together over dinner/drinks because being part of a crowd is a built-in escape hatch. On the other hand, searching for a connection at an in-person event where you don’t know anyone else can be intimidating so many swingers prefer to start their search online.
There are plenty of legitimate swinger dating sites online if you want to go down that route. Some are geared toward more casual encounters and some are more focused on dating and building friendships. Fuller profiles provide clues that help you get an understanding of a couple’s lifestyle personality and what they are seeking to figure out if they will be a good match for you.
Your dating profile
Talk yourselves up but at the same time be honest. Spend time creating the best dating profile for yourself as a couple. Be open about what type of arrangement you are looking for. Use a flattering picture that shows you both at your best but make sure it is recent and is a true representation of what you look like now.
Don’t be afraid to make the first move either. Don’t just sit back and wait for other couples to message you. Browse other profiles and send out some messages to couples that interest you (and tell them why you are interested!). Making the first move online can be scary at first but it gets easier and will deliver much better results than only waiting for people to reach out to you.
Take your time picking a couple
Do your research and be selective about the couple or person you date especially if it’s your first time. If you want the very best experience, then don’t settle until you find a couple you both like and are likely to get along with. Going on a date with people you are not all that attracted to and have nothing in common with is about as much fun as getting a root canal. If you are talking online first, read their bios and social media and check their pictures. You will have a much better date if you are at least a little bit picky at this stage and you’re more likely to be excited for it if you genuinely find them attractive.
Plan in advance
When you have decided on a couple, start to talk among yourselves about where you might go and what you might do. A good first swinger date idea should be fun for everyone and offer a chance to get to know each other a bit better. A lot of people hate dinner dates because they can lock you into a long evening, but dinner also makes sure you have plenty of time to chat and get a feel for each other. Activities like ice skating, bowling, and wine tastings are good to get rid of any awkward tension because they provide built-in topics for conversation. Dancing is also a great one that will allow you all to get a bit more physical and test chemistry, but loud music makes conversation difficult.
Plan for the good and the bad. If everything goes well, will you need a hotel room? Don’t worry you can always book a room at the last minute and often at a discounted rate. If it goes completely bonkers, can you escape quickly? That’s a good reason to avoid boat rides, live shows, and other things that aren’t easy to leave.
Have an out
If things go bonkers or if you simply feel too nervous, make sure to have a signal with your partner so they know you want to leave ASAP. It might be a little bit awkward if the situation arises but life rarely goes according to plan so always have an emergency escape. Few things are worse than feeling somehow obligated to be sexual with people you have no connection with or don’t even like and not knowing how to handle an awkward situation.
Remember that you should feel free to leave at any time. Be your own best advocate and remember you are not sexually obligated to anyone. Simply thank the other couple for the date and tell them you are going to head home. Agreeing to date is not consent for sexual activity. This whole process is for you and your partner’s enjoyment so don’t do anything you aren’t excited about and comfortable with.
Don’t take rejection personally
It may be the case that the shoe is on the other foot and you find the other couple excusing themselves before any kinkiness has begun. This can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes especially if you thought things were going well.
Rejection is never fun but it’s just part of dating. To quote the gorgeous Dita Von Teese, “You can be the ripest juiciest peach in the world and there will still be someone who hates peaches.”
Try not to take it personally. You won’t match with everyone and that’s okay. Chances are the reasons have more to do with them than it does you or are small personal preferences that you shouldn’t be worried about. Just chalk it down to experience and hopefully, you will have better luck next time.
Be safe and practice good hygiene
Like mom said, it’s all fun and swinger games until someone catches an STI. Protect yourself and your partner. Always use safer sex practices.
Also, please pay attention to your swinger hygiene. Shower beforehand and shave or do some grooming to make sure everything is tidy. If you are hoping to get super close with someone, make sure you are your most appealing self and ready for clothes to come off.
Pack a swinger bag with all of your safe sex supplies and plenty of spares so you will be prepared if that moment pops up.
Check-in on your partner
No matter how much you are enjoying the date, it is important to make sure your partner feels the same. If you can’t pull them away for a quiet moment, then have some sort of secret swinger signal or code word to share each other’s perspective on how things are going.
Make sure you are certain that your partner is into it before agreeing to sex or anything intimate. Make sure you are certain that your partner is into it before agreeing to anything.
Don’t overthink it
After all that, we’re saying “don’t overthink it”??? Allow us to clarify. Don’t spend hours before your date agonizing over what to wear or thinking of subjects to talk about. Wear something nice that will make you feel comfortable and confident and just let the chat flow naturally. If you have chemistry with your date,s then most likely it will anyway.
Try and go into swinger dates thinking you are just going to meet and have fun with some new friends. If it leads to something else, then all the better. Let yourself relax and have fun without the pressure of expectations.
The morning after
If everything went well, you may want to have fun with your new friends regularly. Sometimes it’s hard to know though if they feel the same.
A good idea is to text thanks for a good night and telling them how much you both enjoyed it. If they respond, you can use their enthusiasm or lack of it to gauge whether or not you think they would be up for more dates in the future. If the response seems positive, you can text back something along the lines of “we should do it again sometime.”
If the experience wasn’t great for either of you or you had fun but just don’t want to meet again, don’t feel like you owe anyone anything.
It’s perfectly acceptable to thank them for the date but be honest and say you aren’t compatible or that you are not looking for anything more than a one night stand right now. You also don’t need to answer multiple texts. At the end of the day, it was just one date and you all agreed that it was casual.
If the opposite happens and they don’t want to see you again, don’t get moody or defensive about it. You still had a good night and there are plenty more couples out there that may be more interested in that kind of arrangement. Happy Swinging!