The swinging lifestyle is amazing even for people that are naturally shy or introverted. This can feel a bit intimidating but take a deep breath, relax, and let us explain some helpful tips to make swinging fun even if you are shy.
You will likely make many new friends in the lifestyle, so focus on feeling excited and less on feeling scared. It can seem a bit intimidating when you first start – you probably think that is a huge understatement. You might feel as nervous as a kid transferring into school during the middle of the school year. You might encounter a bunch of cliquey groups when you show up at an event. Don’t be intimidated, and remember that swingers are usually very friendly and open to new people. Still, sometimes we get too excited seeing our old friends and naturally clump together with our old friends. Here is a good game plan to comfortably socialize and connect with swingers when you don’t know anyone.
Step 1 – Researching Local Swinger Scene
Do some online research. Join the popular swinging site for your local area and check out the online profiles. Look at the list of upcoming events and club parties. Then pick an event that interests you. Doing the first step online makes it easier if you feel like a shy swinger or just plain introverted since you don’t have to engage in real life… yet. You can take your time to grow more comfortable and connect online, which can feel less intimidating for some introverted swingers. If you don’t like big events, you can reach out to individual swinger profiles and meet them privately for drinks or something else that is fun.
Step 2 – Entering Swinger Parties
Some swinger clubs and parties will have special host couples to welcome new faces, or the party organizers will do this job. These are swinger couples who are veterans of that particular swinger event. They will give a tour to anyone that asks for it and answer any questions. Remember, you may need to ask for a tour – they won’t seek you out and offer one.
At smaller events, the party organizers will give you a quick overview as you show up. This is a great time to ask about the vibe and usual flow of the party so you can better enjoy the fun – hopefully, you already did your research before you showed up, but you may have forgotten, or you may not have understood what you read. Host couples are very useful for first-time swingers, but they’re also great for veterans who are new to that venue. Worst case scenario, you will at least get introduced to the host couple, and they will likely introduce you to a bunch of other people as you get the tour.
Step 3 – Smile & Be Friendly
Hopefully, you were able to take a tour with a host. If not, give yourself a tour. Walk around the room(s). Say hello and acknowledge anyone that looks your way. It’s ok if you don’t know them. Swingers are friendly so just say hello or just smile and wave to them. Be prepared for some close hugs and kisses on the cheek. Swingers can be an amiable crowd. Don’t be surprised if you see a quiet couple look your way and turn out to be scared first-timers. They will be very grateful for a friendly hello, so be generous with your hellos, handshakes, and hugs. After you walk the room(s), head over and get a drink.
Step 4 – Social Lubrication
While getting a drink (or pou
ring your own drink since many swinger events are BYOB), check in with your partner, and figure out which people looked the most exciting to both of you. Once you know who you want to approach, it’s time to actually do it! Yes, you can wait a few minutes as you enjoy your drink and let the alcohol soothe your nerves, but remember you came here to have fun. You could have stayed home if you wanted to stand alone in a corner. Get excited! Let’s do this!
Step 5 – Time for Talking
Head over to the people you want to approach. Wait for a lull in the conversation and jump in. Don’t know what to talk about? You’re not alone. Many swingers haven’t been in the dating game for a long time, and it’s easy to forget how to start and hold fun conversations with strangers. We got your back and will clue you in on what and what not to talk about. If there is already a good conversation flowing, go with it. Don’t try to hijack the conversation and change the topic. If you need a new conversation topic, here are eight possible icebreakers for you to pick from. Use the pneumonic “Stretch” to help you remember.
- SPOUSE/PARTNER – How did you two sexy people meet? How do you juggle private romance time with the sexy lifestyle?
- THEMSELVES – People really like talking about themselves so embrace this. You look great tonight. How did you start in the lifestyle? What’s your favorite swinger event? Which other sexy places do you like? People love to talk about themselves. When in doubt, ask them an open-ended question about themselves.
- RECREATION – Are you following the game on TV tonight? Which teams do you like? Have you been to any music concerts or seen a movie recently?
- EXERCISE – You both look super. How did you get into such great shape? What is your workout routine?
- TRAVEL – Have you been to any of the swinger cruises or swinger trips? We are looking for tips on where to travel for lifestyle fun. What swinger trips are most interesting to you?
- CLOTHES – Hi, we love your shoes. Where did you get them? Any tips for how to build a better wardrobe for the lifestyle?
- HOBBY – Cool looking drink/beer. What does it taste like? Do you like mixology/ microbrews/cooking?
So now you know what to say, but what about what not to say?
- Don’t engage in politics or religion – Any controversial topic is a fast way to kill a sexy vibe. Many swingers are religious, so it is best for everyone to just believe in what they want. Change the conversation or just excuse yourself to get another drink. Even if you are both swingers in the same political party, you could be opposed to specific topics, or the other swingers around you might disagree. Swinging is about coming together for a sexy time, not dividing people into a controversial debate.
- Don’t get too specific – Some swingers may not want to get too detailed for fear of outing themselves. Stick with general questions and avoid specific questions. For example, you can ask what industry they work in, but it’s usually best if you don’t ask which company they work for. Being too nosey or creepy can be unsexy.
- Don’t share other people’s info – Trust is super important to swingers. If you blab sensitive stuff about other swingers to your new swinging friends, you are basically telling them you can’t be trusted. You can share stories but leave out any names or other identifying info. Demonstrate to your new friends that you respect other people’s secrets and are trustworthy.
- Don’t bring up kids – We all love our kids and have many funny kid stories. Save those stories for your vanilla friends or your long-time swinger friends. When trying to generate a hot sexy vibe with new swingers you just met, talking about kids and parenting can be a big buzzkill.
Ok, that is a lot to remember. Don’t stress. There aren’t any swinger police that enforce these tips. These are just helpful suggestions to increase your chances of success when chatting with swingers. If you don’t like talking, you could also try an icebreaker game like Swinger Bingo. Playing games together can help bring you together without having to deal with full-frontal conversations.
Dealing with Cliques
A very common complaint in the swinging lifestyle involves cliques. You will show up to an event and find the swingers clumping together in tight groups with seemingly little interaction between the separate groups. Don’t view cliques as being intentionally exclusive. Swingers can sometimes get too caught up in chatting with old swinger friends; just like any other group of people, talking to people you already know is easy, and swingers like to know how their friends are doing. Be confident, not intimidated, because most groups will welcome you into the conversation if you politely make the first move. Check out our article about swinger cliques for more helpful tips.