Are you actually back for more? I’m more surprised than you are! Almost as surprised as some of our family members would be if they knew about our swinging experiences. I was recently thinking about family while G was having surgery.
She had breast reduction surgery because carrying almost 10 pounds of melons strapped to your chest is a surefire way to horrible back pain. When we told her dad about the surgery, he actually asked if it would be invasive. They are literally going to slice off chunks of her body. Uh … yeah, pretty sure that qualifies as invasive.
So anyways, I’m bored out of my mind in the waiting room. That means I have time to distract myself by answering some fun swinger mail. Unfortunately, I keep getting interrupted by family members asking for updates & dragging my mind back to reality. Really wanted to tell them to chill, this ain’t a fast-food joint. We definitely don’t want the doctors who are slicing up my wife to rush it. Stop bothering me & learn to be patient. Instead, I opted for the slightly less rude – Thanks for checking and I’ll text you when I have something to report.
Their constant texting is making me wonder if I should have started an OnlyFans page for this surgery. Could have made money selling subscriptions to our extended family, who wanted constant updates. For some reason, I suspect my business savvy would not amuse G.
Then I started imagining what would happen if I mixed up my swinger responses and accidentally sent them to family members. It wouldn’t be a big issue for some people, but it would be Armageddon for others.
Like my gay brother already knows about our swinging. We volunteered that information to him and have had many fun chats. Turns out he has had many gay non-monogamy experiences himself. He understands how much it sucks when we skip a big swinger party to have a vanilla family dinner. Family is nice, but a full swinger hotel takeover is amazing.
Then I have another brother, and it’s totally the opposite situation. He’s a walking dumpster fire. He has huge trust issues & gets bent out of shape when there is a cheating scene in a movie. Insecure, much? I can’t blame him too much. I’m 99% sure his wife has cheated, but I have no hard proof. G thinks she has come close with the neighbor and the country club instructor but doubts she crossed the line. That is a long messy story for another time.
That brother actually asked me if I ever thought about swinging. I am still waiting for a damn Oscar award for my acting that day. Despite literally writing a book on swinging & sending out monthly swinger newsletters, I didn’t miss a beat and acted totally ignorant. I convinced him so well that he took the time to explain the swinging lifestyle to me (picked up some good article ideas from his misunderstandings). Seriously, where is my acting award?
Not happy about lying to my brother, but life is too short to walk into certain messes. I steered him away despite his wife strongly pushing for it. How the heck am I going to explain that I think my relationship is loving & trusting enough to enjoy swinging but feel his marriage is a dumpster fire waiting to blow up? No one likes the guy that says a baby is ugly, even if it’s a damn ugly baby & they definitely never forget what that guy said.
If I told my religious parents, they might disown me, which wouldn’t be too bad since they can’t remember anything long enough to change their wills. I’ve tried to get them to welcome my gay brother’s partner. Each time I bring it up, they get upset till their dementia wipes away any recollection of what I said. On a happier note, talking with my parents for hours is finally easy. I bring up the weather & by the time I mention tomorrow’s forecast, it is time to repeat today’s weather. It’s a never-ending conversation loop.
Considering both of my parents have dementia, safe to say what’s going to happen to me. If you can’t control it, why worry about it? Seriously, I’ll be so old that I won’t care. All the nurses will hear me go on about my crazy swinger stories, including the notorious toe sucker orgy fiasco.
I hope they have super-strength Viagra in the nursing homes. I want to have orgies instead of watching Jeopardy. Oohhhh, imagine if the nurses have some weird old-age fetish. I bet it’s a huge turn-on for an 80-year-old guy to know their sex partner could perform CPR if they have a heart attack in the middle of it. It has to be crazy stressful during a nursing home orgy. One wrong move could break someone’s hip. You never imagined the stress an 80-year-old faces during an orgy, did you?
So what’s the point of my babbling?
Well, I can’t choose my family, but I can choose my friends. So why not lean into it and have a crazy life with swinger friends? Besides, crazy swinger friends are more likely to visit me in a nursing home than hypocritical holier-than-thou family members.
Life is short & I want to make the most of mine!