You are not alone. There are many other couples wondering if swinging can save their failing marriage. It makes sense that swinging might be a consideration especially if it feels like you have tried just about everything else. Swinging is a modern adaptation to historical constraints on matrimony. Entering the lifestyle is a decision to replace the old rigid rules dictated by mainstream society with flexible options mutually created by a couple for themselves. Swinging defies the traditional expectations that were forced upon you and opens the door to living on your own terms with the love of your life.
Sexual freedom can exist within a committed relationship. But reality is not that simple or easy. Swinging is definitely tempting for many struggling couples trying to overcome the challenges of marriage but it has its own challenges.
We are going to help explain if swinging may or may not save your marriage.
Can swinging really save a marriage?
Before we can answer that question, each couple should ask themselves what in their marriage needs saving. Swinging requires both partners to be in sync with each other and the expectations of their relationship. When their marriage is struggling, it’s usually because the couple are not communicating & connecting well with each other. Those are two critical elements needed for successful swinging.
So, let’s start with the answers to why swinging won’t save your marriage.
Swinging is not for couples who don’t understand themselves.
The swinging lifestyle requires a high level of understanding and compassion towards your both of your needs. Each swinger needs a mental toolbox filled with emotional stability, self-confidence, honesty, and the ability to trust in one another. If a person’s mental toolbox is lacking those necessary elements, they are going to have a hard time enjoying the swinging life.
Swinging is not just sex.
Yes, there is plenty of casual sex but there is so much more involved in swinging. It’s about opening up with your own partner and being honest about very sensitive topics. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about anything and everything with your own partner swinging is much more likely to lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. You both need to be able to fully trust that your boundaries are clearly communicated and unconditionally respected. That requires a deep level of understanding between both of you. Many swinging couples report that opening up the relationship brought them closer to each other because of the extra communication and understanding that successful swinging requires.
Swinging complicates relationships.
If a marriage is struggling, it would be smarter to simplify things. The lifestyle does the exact opposite. Swinging is a bad option for escaping. The pre-existing challenges won’t disappear and will become worse as swinging further complicates an already tough situation. Every relationship (especially swingers), requires a lot of devotion and willingness to invest serious work into it.
Swinging is not a way out of problems.
A marriage already shaken by a partner breaking rules is not a good candidate for swinging. The mistrust and lack of communication is likely to make the complex situation in the swinging lifestyle even more difficult to handle. If you are struggling to ensure stability on solid ground, it would not be smart to put your relationship on ice.
Opening up a marriage out of desperation rarely works.
If the swinging seems as the only alternative to the relationship’s end, then you should consider couples therapy rather than engaging in the lifestyle. Deciding to embrace the swinging lifestyle from a place of desperation makes the decision itself seem like an ultimatum. If swinging is the only option available, do not choose it.
Swinging should never be an act of desperation, but mutual & fully consensual exploration. It’s a courageous act of exploring your sexual freedom, while nurturing the relationship you have. Swinging is not a guilt-free version of cheating, but a mutual exploration of sexual freedom in which the intimacy between a couple is not compromised. Swinging couples work together to establish their own personal rules and boundaries that they want to follow. They write their own rules for their own relationship. Swingers may not blindly follow rules, but that doesn’t mean rules don’t matter.
Swinging requires healthy relationship tools.
Swinging is an endeavor that requires open communication, trust that the customized rules are going to be respected, and the commitment to each other so that their private relationship is always prioritized over the swinging lifestyle.
Unlike the silent expectations and tacit rules of what fidelity implies in monogamous relationships, in the swinging lifestyle the agreements are made explicitly. Coming up with the rules that both partners feel comfortable and safe with is a complex process that requires honesty, transparency and trust. Flawed relationships tend not to have the relationship skills that are required for a couple to avoid drama in the swinging world.
Both partners need to feel safe & secure in order to sexually explore.
It is asking for trouble, when a partner “goes along with it” despite them not feeling loved or supported. Accepting to do it “for the sake of kids”, or to avoid being “cheated on behind your back” or similar reasons may cause the reluctant partner to feel that the lifestyle is an imposition and grow to resent it and their partner. The other partner can even have feel guilty over swinging. Those negative feelings from either partner can make the pre-existing relationship issues even worse.
You do not want to start the lifestyle to cure a broken sense of intimacy and connection. Swinging when the foundation of your marriage is shaky is likely to swing it into destruction. For a couple to be able to enjoy the benefits of the swinging lifestyle, they both need to be able to feel confident and support from their relationship. A mountain climber wouldn’t try to climb a mountain without the right tools. The same goes for swingers, who need to have the tools of good communication, unquestionable trust, sincere honesty & complete truthfulness between each other. Only then can a couple safely handle the pressure filled moments that can exist in the swinging lifestyle. If there are any cracks or weak points in a relationship, that pressure can break it wide open and speed up the relationship downfall.
Swinging Can Be Wonderful
All of those concerns & worries about choosing to be swingers for the wrong reason doesn’t mean swinging can be a great match for some couples. Choosing to embrace a swinging lifestyle can indeed provide enriching experiences. It’s can become an extension to the relationship in which a couple has already found their anchors. It is the anchors that already exist as the cornerstones of the marriage, that are built out of communication, trust, attraction, love and respect, that allow couples to soar through the lifestyle and feel empowered by it.
You Always Have Options
Take all the time you both need to choose what is right for you. If you are looking for ways to save your marriage, you may consider going back to the initial question of what in your marriage needs saving before you make any impulsive decisions. And before you share your understanding with your partner, take the time to first reflect on your personal desires, frustrations, needs and aspirations. What are you craving for? What are you missing (out on) in your marriage? Explore the path that had led you to the point of looking for the resources to help save your marriage.
The choices are endless if we allow ourselves to explore, and we may often find ourselves confused by the multitude once we do. Confusion is a stage of decision making in which we collect a lot of information we still haven’t had a chance to process and integrate in our understanding of the world (and relationships). It’s okay to confused. Don’t rush yourself into deciding.
The intimacy of a romantic connection with our partner should provide us with a safe space to explore our sexual and other desires and, should we find ourselves to be courageous and open-minded enough, we may dare taste the fruits of the swinging lifestyle. If you don’t have that connection, swinging is not for you.
Swinging is about taking a relationship to the next level. It’s not about saving a wrecked one.