Swinging and BDSM are two subjects that often go hand in hand since they are both branches of the sexy tree and share many similarities. At their core, the principles are the same. Both swinging couples and couples exploring BDSM rely on trust, expression of boundaries, respecting consent, and strong communication skills. Many happy swinging couples have very open minds who like to try new things. They often find themselves wondering about dipping their toes into the world of BDSM.
BDSM and Swinging
What do leather, feet, and balloons have in common? They’re all types of fetishes, or ‘kinks.’ BDSM (or ‘Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism’) is an umbrella term for a variety of ‘unusual’ sexual attractions (though there are so many, and love for kink is so widespread, that it is probably less unusual than most vanilla people realize).
If you are new to swinging, you should understand that swinging & BDSM are definitely two different sexy types of living. Yes, many people enjoy both concepts, but they are separate things. Swinging focuses more on casual sex & BDSM tends to focus more on the power dynamic similar to cuckolding. Many BDSM sessions don’t even include full sex. Most swinging sessions don’t involve any BDSM aspect. But if you are in the swinging lifestyle long enough, you will probably come across some people that like both concepts, or you might even wonder if some BDSM play would be enjoyable.
Because BDSM can involve scenarios that are considered dangerous, painful, or degrading, there is a lot of taboo around the subject – the same sort of taboo that surrounds swinging and other forms of non-monogamy. However, it can be explored safely and is a healthy way to explore fantasies if proper guidelines are followed.
Introducing light BDSM into swinging settings is relatively common (such as blindfolds or handcuffs). It can add some new interesting dynamics to the bedroom, though heavier BDSM is more suited to specialized kink communities than among swingers casually exploring BDSM themes.
Introducing BDSM into your sex life
If you are interested in introducing BDSM into your current swinging relationship, you should begin with having an honest conversation with your partner. It’s important to start the conversation by directly expressing your wishes and describing the fantasies you have been enjoying. From here, talk about what your partner feels comfortable with too. You might be surprised and find out that you have both secretly fancied a kinky orgy but have always been too nervous about bringing it up with each other.
Ask your partner if they would be comfortable exploring this and asking if they have had any fantasies around BDSM and if they have any experience with experimenting with kink previously. During these conversations, be careful not to push your partner into something they’re are not comfortable with trying. After you’ve started experimenting, you can always bring things up again to see if they feel safer and more able to expand their comfort zone. After your conversation with your partner, you will need to have the same conversation with your swinging partners. It might be worth approaching the sexual partners you know who have some experience with BDSM for your first time. If you start exploring BDSM with regular sexual partners, it will take some of the nerves out of the whole affair because you’ll be starting with people you already trust.
If you don’t know anyone, many swingers dating websites and smartphone applications have filters to find other ‘kinksters.’ Another option is to create a profile on FetLife.com, specializing in BDSM discussions. You really want to take the time to properly research this & learn the correct way (aka safe way) to manage this new sexual dynamic.
Consent and BDSM
Consent in BDSM is even more important than ‘vanilla’ sex (though we’re unsure if we can count swinging as entirely vanilla). Because BDSM can involve equipment such as rope, tape, gags, and other bondage gear, this can seriously limit the movement and speech of a ‘submissive’ (the partner who takes the least active role, as opposed to the ‘dominant’). This means that withdrawing consent can be harder, as it is more difficult to physically say ‘no’ (and sometimes, because saying ‘no’ is part of the roleplay).
For these reasons, it’s best to establish two types of ‘safeword’ – like your swinger codewords, that means you want to stop. One safeword should be verbal. It’s a good idea to pick a word that you definitely won’t use in bed (like ‘carrots’ or ‘elephants’). You don’t want to misunderstand when someone wants to pause or end the session altogether. The other safeword should be a sign – like tapping three times on the bed or making the peace sign with your fingers. This means that if your mouth is gagged, you have another way to communicate ‘stop.’ When a safeword is used, everyone should be clear; this means to stop everything and have a conversation about why the safeword has been used. Sometimes this will mean someone needs a few minutes to catch a breath. Other times it can mean an end to the session. Regardless, it is important to respect the safeword as soon as it is used – you won’t be getting an invite back if you ignore it, and you will have seriously breached someone’s trust and feelings of safety.
Connecting BDSM and Swinging Fantasies
What is your wildest fantasy? No, not that one. Think even wilder. Bringing together swinging and BDSM can create some incredible role-play scenarios because it means you can add more people to the dynamic. You might have a fantasy involving being tied up by a group of police officers or watching your partner restrained to a bed with another man.
We would list more of those scenarios, but we are sure you have some great ideas of your own (if you don’t, there are some great works of amateur pornography to start you off).
As you can see, even though they have some things in common, swinging and BDSM are two very different things that can be enjoyed together or separately. It’s good to remember always to respect other people’s choices and be considerate of the people around you, especially in the BDSM and/or swing scene.