Almost everyone experiences jealousy to some degree, and swingers are no exception. While the thought of watching your partner with another person might be a turn-on, the reality can be a little different.
You can find yourself feeling left out, intimidated, and insecure. The only solution is to talk about it – keep talking, even when you think you’ve exhausted the conversation, and keep talking even more. And when you’ve finished talking to your partner, talk to a friend, even a trained therapist.
Swinging is great, but it can cause you to come face to face with some of your biggest demons. Here are the best ways to keep control of your jealousy.
Talk to your partner
When you’ve realized that you are dealing with some jealousy issues around swinging, the first step to do is speak to your partner. They might also have some jealousy issues and it can be a good opportunity to talk about your problems.
Just hearing from your partner that they feel secure in your relationship and that swinging is just sex could be enough to keep your jealousy in check – particularly if you have these conversations regularly. Open communication is a great preventative measure to keep jealousy away.
Identify the root of your jealousy
If you find yourself jealous, identify the root. Spend some time alone, maybe in the bath, or going for a long walk, and ask yourself some questions. Are you scared your partner will leave you? That they will someone else more attractive than you? Are you self conscious about your weight or your experience in the bedroom?
Jealousy always has a reason, and once you have named the beast you’re fighting, it becomes easier to find ways to beat it or reason with it. Like reminding yourself that your partner has been with your 20 years, you trust she won’t leave you for someone she met last night, or yes you have some extra weight but you know that your husband loves your smile the most anyway.
Identify and healing these insecurities won’t just help you with swinging, but you will enjoy your new confidence being reflected in all areas of your life.
Lay down some rules
You can fix some of your jealousy problems superficially by laying down some rules. Though they don’t always work out in the long term, it can be a way to feel safe in the swinging lifestyle before slowly pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone.
Some examples of rules could be agreeing not to have penetrative sex with anyone else but your partner or only exploring other couples together rather than going solo. Some straight couples might only feel comfortable exploring with women when they first start out, while others might only feel comfortable exploring with men, as they feel less threatened by someone of the same sex or different sex.
While laying down rules often only covers up the root of the jealously, it can be worth trying if the jealousy is impacting your relationship.
Do something to distract yourself
If your partner is meeting someone without you there, do something really fun to keep you distracted. Perhaps you could organize meeting up with your best friends, having a night out, or going on an overnight trip somewhere with your family.
If you’re playing together as a couple, you can apply the same principle there too. Try not to become fixated that they are with another person, and instead focus on how fun it is that you’re also with a new person. This distraction will also keep you focused on the positives of non-monogamy, even if your insecurities start to crawl out of the woodwork.
Talk to a friend
Find an open minded friend – ideally, a friend who swings, or someone open-minded. Ask if they would be able to give you some advice, and share how you’re feeling about things with your partner. If nothing else, it gives you the chance to get some things off your chest that are maybe too blunt or honest to say to your partner at that specific time. You might find your friend can help you identify the root of your jealously and that you can go into a conversation with your partner equipped with something constructive for you both to talk about.
Remember your partner loves you
It can be hard, but try to keep in mind that your partner loves you. If they wanted to leave you they could have done that. Instead, they have chosen to go on a journey with you. They might be enjoying the company of someone younger or more adventurous but they won’t be able to share the connection that you have established in years of living together and learning each other.
Talk to a professional
If these things haven’t worked and you are still feeling jealous, it might be time to visit a professional. Research therapists in your area, and see if anyone specializes in non monogamous relationships. This might help you work through the problems you are having with swinging.
Quit swinging (at least for a bit)
The last resort might be to accept that swinging isn’t right for you, or isn’t right for your relationship, at this time. Don’t worry, because it is always something you can come back to in a few months, but perhaps take some time off to work on yourself and your relationship.
Once you feel more secure, you can come back to it and try it again with a fresh start.