Not having the success you want in the swinging lifestyle? Can’t figure out why? We have put together a long list of brutal honesty about why many different couples fail in their lifestyles. Many rookie couples think they are perfect, but none of us are. Frankly, most of us have made multiple mistakes on this list.
You might be wondering who would make some of these mistakes. We have personally encountered all of these situations (& more than once). The good news is that we can learn from these mistakes and do better next time.
- Thinking you are perfect. Please don’t be so arrogant or conceited to think this way because none of us are perfect. Be mature enough to realize that. Work each day on being a little bit better than yesterday. Realizing you are great but still have room for improvement lets us open our minds to address our weaknesses.
- Physical appearance matters. Some things are easier to change, like updating your wardrobe to fit well and match your sexy objective. Other things will take more effort, like losing that beer belly. The truth is your physical appearance does matter, so try to make the best first impression.
- Being overly sarcastic with your own partner. It might be fun to you but can come across as drama to others who will steer away from it. Be careful to avoid inside jokes with your own partner that may come across as a bit cringy to others who don’t know your backstory.
- Spilling the dirt on other couples. Swingers value privacy & respect. Stop spilling tea and gossiping about other people. Even if you think it’s complimentary, you are still breaching another person’s privacy. Demonstrate to your new friends you can be trusted by not kissing & telling or gossiping about others.
Bringing up divisive topics. Politics and religion aren’t sexy. Even if you share the same ideas, swingers don’t want to hear about divisive topics in the bedroom. Better to inquire about positive values that you like and hopefully are shared with them. Remember, there is a time & place for everything. Swinging is for sharing a sex-positive attitude, so skip the abrasive vanilla topics.- Being desperate & pushy. Swingers aren’t prostitutes on a work clock, so chill out. Instead, focus on having fun and treat sex as a bonus. Swingers want to be treated as your friend and not as your hired sex worker.
- Being inflexible can break the deal. You are making a connection with others, and we all have different personal preferences. Being more understanding and flexible will boost your odds of a connection. Obviously, we aren’t suggesting you put yourself at risk. However, breaking the deal off is wise if you feel unsafe. Consider being more flexible with your non-critical preferences (like hotel or timing preferences) when possible.
- Awkward age gaps. Age is just a number, but awkwardness is real. Please don’t focus on things that make people think of themselves as your parents or your children. Instead, focus on topics that everyone can discuss without dating themselves (favorite cuisine, travel spots, etc.).
- Don’t be peculiar. You might be very sensitive about certain things like your privacy. Going to extremes can really scare away many people. Don’t insist on driving people to your house in the woods (super creepy). You can still protect your privacy by meeting up at a hotel together.
Being cheap. The lifestyle isn’t cheap. Drinks, dinners, sexy clothes, club fees, and more can really add up. You can still be frugal & make smarter choices (drinks instead of sit-down meals). Don’t be cheap and do things like stiffing service workers over their hard-earned tips. That isn’t sexy or fun.- Using the wrong sites. We all like saving money, but you get what you pay for when it comes to free swinger sites. Anyone can put up a profile when it is free, including fakes, picture collectors, & other time wasters. Joining a paid site delivers higher-quality connections that lead to real dates. It is less about picking the most advanced site and more about using the right site for your local area.
- Offbalance power dynamics. Is your relationship a collaboration, or does one of you control it? Swingers tend to want everyone to have fun and participate. However, if anyone is too submissive or too dominant, it can throw the other couple off balance and scare them away.
- Don’t be sloppy. Swingers love to party but hate dealing with other people’s mess. Drinking too much or being so high you can’t remember if you ordered food isn’t fun.
- Stop chasing vanillas. Most people aren’t into non-monogamy, so it is a nonstarter about 9 out of 10 times. That 1 out of 10 times is also likely to fail because being into ENM doesn’t mean they are into you. It simply isn’t easy making a four-way connection.
Stop chasing rookies. Swinger rookies tend to be nervous and more likely to bail out at the last second because they are still figuring out what they want and how they want it. Sticking with veteran swingers who are more comfortable will lead to better odds of actually swinging.- Mixing fetish play. We all have different kinks, but remember that YKINMK (your kink is not my kink). Simply because someone enjoys casual swinging sex or group play doesn’t mean they are into all the other kinks & fetishes. Let swingers be swingers & don’t try to pressure them into something else. The more kinks you try to combine, the lower your odds of finding a good match. It can happen, but it is much less likely to happen.
- Don’t be overly honest too soon. We all have skeletons in our closets, like an alcoholic uncle or meth-addicted sister, that time spent in prison, or whatever. So, instead, focus on what is going right in your life, and don’t try to shock others with the drama that has or is still happening in your life.
- Ignoring STI testing. Not caring about STI testing means you don’t care about keeping potential sex partners safe. If you think STIs are no big deal, then it is no big deal for you to get tested. Being ignorant on this topic is a big red flag to many couples.
- Being aggressively flirtatious. Many are social swingers, meaning they want friendship before bedroom games. Please keep your hands to yourself till they say it is ok. Touching before asking is a big deal-breaker.
Being a shy wallflower. Swingers want to be respectful of others. If you seem uncomfortable, they will assume you are interested and move on to other people. Make sure you clearly communicate your interest. Let them know how amazing you think they look. You can even mention how shy you feel, but you just had to share this compliment for extra points.- Insulting others. It doesn’t matter if you are talking about other swingers or people you will never meet. Haters aren’t sexy, so keep your focus on positive comments. Putting down others simply puts you in the hole you just dug.
- Monopolizing the conversation. Sexy connections need both parties to participate. So make sure to ask them about themselves and don’t interrupt them when they reply.
- Ignoring hygiene. Take a shower (12 hours ago doesn’t count). Brush your teeth (for more than 30 seconds). Use deodorant (more is better). Don’t spill a bottle of perfume on yourself (make them lean in to really smell it). Wash your hands (with soap). You want to supercharge your grooming routine and make the best first impression.
- Phone fixation. We spend too much time on our phones, and shy people can use it as an excuse to avoid conversations. Put your phone on silent and focus on your new friends. Every time you are tempted to pull out your phone, compliment someone.
Not acting as a team. Teamwork is uber important in swinging. If one partner doesn’t seem interested or represented, then other couples will run away. Make sure your online profile reflects both of you (in pictures and a joint description). When meeting others, make sure you both engage. Remember, no one should monopolize.- Expecting it to be easy. Swinging takes work. You need to find swingers (& most people aren’t into non-monogamy). Then you need to develop a four-way connection (not all swingers find the same things sexy). Then, you need to figure out if your play styles are compatible. If you want quick & easy sex, call an escort agency. If you want to play with swingers, be ready to put in some effort to find a good match.
- Complaining to others. We can complain about many things, but it’s not productive or sexy. Swingers don’t want to hear about your problems. Flip this vibe killer into a bedroom shaker by replacing complaints with compliments. Forget about being upset over other people, be happy & attracted to the people you are with.
- Ignorantly racist. We get that many parents don’t explain all the different cultural differences we can encounter. Do some adulting and educate yourself about all the ethnic groups in your local area. Learn why you shouldn’t mess with a black lady’s hair and why a rug can be oriental, but there are better ways to address Asian people and skip all those other ignorant ways that can make people feel uncomfortable.
- Being too picky. You and your partner are amazing. No one can compare to you, so stop doing that. You aren’t hunting for a replacement partner, so don’t limit yourself to only “better” people than you. Instead, let yourself enjoy the different and fun experiences. Remember that swinging is simply having fun, casual, sexy times.
Inefficient screening. We know you want a connection, but don’t waste your time chasing after lost causes. Instead, improve your screening process to quickly remove deal-breakers so you can invest more time in couples that actually have a good chance of developing into sexy connections.
Phew! That’s a long list of mistakes. The crazy thing is this is only a partial list. There are so many other ways you can sabotage your swinging chances. Remember, none of us are perfect. That’s ok. We can still be great without being perfect. Understanding we all have room to improve makes us even greater and will help us succeed better tomorrow!