So you’re interested in swinging? Whatever has attracted you to the lifestyle, swinging can be a great way to have some fun, meet new people, and explore yourself and your partner.
But where do you start? The information out there can be daunting, so we’ve compiled an easy step-by-step list of everything you need to do to.
Is swinging right for you?
First thing’s first, make sure that swinging is right for you. What is it you want to get out of swinging? Do you have a particular fantasy you want to act out, or are you concerned your sex life with your partner has cooled off a bit too much, or maybe you want to explore being with someone of the same sex? Establishing these aims are really important to make sure the other steps go as smoothly as possible.
Also ask yourself if you are in the right mental place. Can you fend off your anxieties while your partner is with someone else? How strong is your relationship at the moment? Are you feeling secure and safe, do you and your partner trust each other?
While swinging can be a great bonding experience for the both of you, swinging can not fix broken relationships – it tends to only make them fail faster. Make sure your own relationship is doing well before you move onto any of the other steps.
It is also important to ask yourself if you are looking for no strings attached sex, or would you like a more emotional connection? If the latter, polyamory might be more for you.
Ask yourself these questions, and really explore them yourself before approaching your partner. The next bit can be intimidating for both parties, but it will help if you have a clear idea of what you want and why you want it. P.S It is also important to ask yourself if you are looking for no strings attached sex, or would you like a more emotional connection? If it’s the latter, polyamory might be more for you.
Have the conversation with your partner
Once you have established that swinging is right for you, you need to open the swinging conversation with your partner.
It can be a difficult, but use your aims from the previous step to guide the conversation. You could bring up some mutual friends who are out as swingers, and ask what your partner thinks. Or suggest watching some swinger movies and videos together of swinging couples.
However you do it, pick the time and place wisely. For most people, this is in the evening when the kids are in bed, and you can have some private time catching up in the day. For others, it could be during sex.
Be honest in the conversation, and communicate your feelings, concerns, and curiosities. Be patient with your partner – you might have been ruminating on this for weeks, or longer, but they might have never considered it and they might be reacting out of instinct or insecurity.
Working out how you want to start swinging
If your partner is interested, it’s time to move onto the next step. There are plenty of different ways to swing. Are you going to approach some close friends who you know are into swinging? Are you going to go to a private party? Or would you be more interested in the anonymity of a larger swingers club?
You could even create an online dating profiles together to find other couples for something more private and intimate, and meet for coffee first if the idea of strangers feels too nerve-wracking.
Many people prefer to start swinging in smaller groups, but others find this more intimidating. Check out your local area, and see what feels right for you both.
Establishing your boundaries
Now it’s time for another conversation. You need to establish your boundaries, both as individuals and as a couple. Ask yourself what you feel comfortable with exploring at your first swingers event.
Do you both want to sit on the sidelines and watch and see how you feel? Are you comfortable with penetrative sex with someone else? Is kissing okay?
Talk about all of the possibilities, and find out where your limits are with your own body, and where your comfort zone is for your partner exploring other people.
Finding something to wear
And now onto the fun stuff. What are you going to wear? Depending on where you are going, check the swinger party dress code first. You don’t want to turn up really formal to a casual event, and vice versa.
It can be fun to attend a themed event for your first time swinging, as it means you can dress up as another character like a burlesque dancer or a 1920s flapper. This can give you a little extra confidence.
Whatever you choose to wear, make sure you feel sexy and comfortable. You want to walk into that room and feel confident, not worried about your muffin tops poking out of the bottom of your corset. Though, equally, remember swingers are just normal people, they are not perfectly sculpted sex gods, and everyone has stretch marks and squishy bits.
(As a side note, corsets look sexy, but they are impossible to remove in the dark corner of a swingers club unless they have a hidden zipper for easy on & off … choose clothes that are easy to take off is the safer bet.)
Attending your first event
Call a babysitter, dress up, and head out. If you can, have a brief repeat of the boundaries conversation with your partner.
Be mindful of how much alcohol you are drinking, for your own sake and everyone else. Many swingers recommend not drinking for the first event, so that you can make sure you are respecting your own boundaries, but many others recommended a strong glass of dutch courage. It really is whatever works best for you.
Your first event will look different depending on how you’ve decided to swing, but the important things to remember is consent. Don’t assume other couples have the same boundaries as you – they might not be comfortable with kissing, for example. The best thing to do is just ask.
Remember you’re all there for the same reason. Try to relax, keep communicating with your partner, and have fun.
When you’re back home
After your night of wild passion, have a de-brief with your partner, either that night or the following morning. What did they like? What did they learn? Is there anything they didn’t like?
This allows you both to relieve any insecurities and share the excitement of the best bits with each other.
And that’s it! After the last step, you will have made some new friends, and can decide if (or when) you want to do it again.
Our Complete Starting To Swing Guide
This is our quick start guide to swinging. If you want a much more detailed guide check out our 300 page Swingers’ Little Helper book. It is available on Amazon and free if you sign up for our newsletter. Click here for more information about this beginners guide to swinging. Happy Swinging!!!!