Shared by Christina and Pablo
We are writing this as a way to chronicle our first four weeks in the lifestyle. Though this may help other people new to the life style this strictly pertains to my wife and I and we want to catalogue it so we remember what this adventure is like for us right now. After 10 years of a fantastic marriage filled with love, children, adventure, travel, excitement, and growth we have finally reached a comfort level and openness in communication where we both could discuss sexuality, our personal beliefs on it and the social constructs around sex in general. We have realized that we are both sexual beings and that we both have wants and needs that can be met safely and enjoyably with each other and with others outside of our marriage. So after some deep and frank conversations we have mutually decided that the lifestyle was something we wanted to experiment with to strengthen our bond and to make life a little more enjoyable. In the past four weeks we have transitioned from a very vanilla sex life to something out of an adult movie. We never expected to be swingers and honestly it was so far from our bedroom talk that we never openly discussed it.
Our bedroom life was more akin to a PG13 movie four weeks ago and now you couldn’t show us on HBO! After 10 years of security and mutual love we have decided that this new adventure is right for us at this time. In a very short four weeks we have been exposed to more unique experiences than most couples have in a life time. Not in quantity but definitely in quality. We’ve met some amazing people and our marriage is ten times stronger and more exciting than it was before. Our conversations are now new and exciting, we share intimate secrets from the rest of the world and it has brought us so much closer because of it. We snicker like teenagers in public and grab each other’s ass again. We find ourselves yearning to be intimate with each at all times and in new ways. Our life is now so exciting and fulfilling, and it’s even better when the rules on sex are thrown away and new adventures are formed. But the interesting and most beneficial part to our new lifestyle is the feeling of well being and mutual love that has developed in both of us. This new adventure has granted our marriage a new lease on life and has allowed us fall back in love in a way that we haven’t felt in 10 years. If you are thinking of taking your relationship on this adventure we hope that the items below help you stay safe and help you set up some guidelines so that you can benefit from the lifestyle much in the way we have!
Finding other LS couples
We started by ignorantly making a profile SLS.com based on a simple google search and then immediately signed up for the one month membership. This was a mistake as we’ve found the website interface at SLS.com to be outdated, overly complicated and not very compatible for OS mobile use. In the past four weeks we have had very limited responses with real couples and zero results leading to real life meet ups from SLS. We now understand that different websites cater to different areas geographically in the US and for us in the southeast SDC.com has been the best method of communicating with other couples and finding out about upcoming public events. SDC has a good web design and their app is very similar to the website. There are plenty of local people in our age group who are active in the LS and on the website. Consider signing up for the one month plan on SDC so that you can use all of the features and get a feel for how the site can help you get started meeting couples.
We’ve also tried free apps tike 3Fun, reddit and craigslist but they have yielded little to no real life encounters or possibilities for encounters. We’ve found that on most free apps single men try to pass off as a “couples” in order to collect personal pictures. The way to safeguard against this is to use a messaging service like kik where both parties can send real time pictures to verify who is actually on the other side chatting. We’ve learned to be upfront and almost rude at asking for verification first before engaging anyone via messages. This way you can share pictures and message without having to worry about who is on the other side.
The absolute best way to meet other couples has been organized meet and greets. You can find these on the SDC page for events and sign up to attend them for free. Sometimes there will be a cover charge to get into the venue but it is well worth it. There’s usually one every week or so in the Atlanta area. I’m sure larger cities will be similar. These are fun events where there is no expectation of any sexual encounter and that atmosphere allows people to get to know each other much like in a vanilla club or bar setting. Once there, it’s very easy to mingle and start pairing off into naturally mutually attracted groups.
Another not so easy way to meet couples is at LS clubs. We’ve been to Trapeze three times but have struggled to find any compatible couples there because of the fast paced atmosphere and the high expectation to play the same night. As newbies the stress of a new environment and the obvious expertise of the other couples in the club made us shut down and take a back seat most of the time. We felt like prey in the water swimming with sharks at Trapeze. However we highly recommend visiting a LS club as the experience to watch open play in the back rooms is something completely different from what we expected and very interesting. We were both extremely and unexpectedly turned on by watching real people have sex openly. We don’t usually enjoy watching porn together but watching and hearing and smelling people have sex in an open play room elevated the sexual tension to a new degree that we haven’t experienced before. We were still too timid to join or play ourselves in the open room but just watching is not only allowed but ultimately expected. Sex is a spectator sport at LS clubs and the best seats are in the back rooms. In short the best way to meet real couples is go where they are. Our preference is meet and greets followed by LS clubs followed by dating websites.
The four letter word in the LS is very much “newbies”. We’ve found that about half of the people if the LS avoid newbies like the plague and the other half treats them like a shinny new toy. If you are new or new-ish be prepared for some rejection and multiple cold shoulders but also be prepared to be a high commodity to certain couples. Also newbies stand out in crowd and can be picked apart from across the room. We don’t yet know why but from the moment we stepped foot at Trapeze we could tell that we stood out like vanillas in an ice cream fridge full of rainbow swirl, strawberry shortcake and passion fruit! You have to have some gumption and fortitude to make it past the first time at any LS event.
Go into it prepared to come home alone and anything that happens will be the icing on the cake. Our advice is to prepare for the best outcome and count on going home alone and having great sex with only each other. That’s what we did and it helped so much. You will see things at LS events that put adult films to shame and that’s enough fuel to get you and your partner in the mood and back home for some fantastic sex. Also be prepared to have other couples approach you and proposition you. It is such an ego boost to know that other people want to have sex with you and your mate. It is intoxicating to see people pay you attention and lust for you after so many years of being monogamous.
We choose to be honest and tell people that we are new and it has ultimately benefited us in the long run by removing people who just wanted a quick one night stand. I guess you could lie and pass off as experienced but there’s an air of newness that we still can’t shake just yet. We have been very lucky to find two “mentor” couples that have taken us under their wings and shown us patience and guidance. That has made all the difference to us as newbies. We are grateful for their experience and they’re respect for us. On our first date the other couple took so much time to answer our questions and treated us with dignity and respect that it made us feel comfortable and cared for. They didn’t push us past our boundaries and made clear expectations of what would and would not happen on a first date. They communicated clearly and were endearing to us both. He was gentle and passionate with her and she was flirty and witty with me. It was a better first date than we could have hoped for and we didn’t do anything but kiss! My recommendation is that for a first date you make it a non-sexual outing to relieve the pressure and anxiety already associated with meeting new people.
Our first real swinger experience came last Friday with an experienced couple similar in age to us. They were knowledgeable, they lead the conversations they were open about intentions and they invited us back to their home. Once there they opened communication about rules and expectations and they were accommodating to us and not just looking for a one night stand per se. They asked us if we were comfortable every time the mood intensified and they gently allowed us to explore at our pace. Once it was all over they offered us a room to stay in and encouraged us to stay connected and to meet up at a later time. What we remember most isn’t the sexual acts from either of these encounters, it is the respect and patience from both couples. They all made us feel more like new friends and less like like new lovers. I feel like we’ve been very lucky to have two mentors so early on but it’s also the reason why we are so energized to continue in this life style. Even now we are still newbies but we’re empowered to seek new people to add to our new sphere of influence and friends. You have to put yourself out there and go where the action is. Just be prepared to strike out a couple of times before you meet people worthy of taking home.
Our first date occurred almost at three weeks into our LS journey. We met with a great couple over noodles and chatted for an hour or two followed by drinks at a local bar. Thankfully we had defined a clear expectation that there would be no play after the date so it made connecting and interacting so much easier and light hearted. I consider it a very successful meeting and great first date over all. The other couple was attractive to us and we were attractive to them. Our conversations were fun and effortless. But the truth is that dating as a couple is not unlike dating as a single person. It is very stressful and exciting at the same time. All of the same old processes of getting ready for a date happened much in the same way for my wife and I as they did when we were single.
We stressed out about what to wear and what statement we were making with our outfits. We stressed out about the other couple finding us interesting and attractive. We stressed out about being compatible and enjoyable during conversation. Ultimately our concerns were unfounded and the other couple was cordial and welcoming to both of us. After being out of the dating scene for over 10 years it was a bit uncomfortable at first but we seemed to fall back into the rhythm of flirting and picking up non verbal cues rather quickly. One thing that helped progress the date onto a physical realm was the fact that midway into the date the men switched seating places and we ended up seating across from our own wives. This allowed our legs to touch and our arms to wonder into back and neck rubs.
The night ended with some light petting and kissing which was very welcomed and definitely charged us sexually and boosted our ego significantly. The first date empowered us to step out and go to our first meet and greet which eventually led to our first full LS encounter. Finding a compatible couple can be difficult. Thankfully we chatted on kik for a couple of days prior to the date and our chats allowed us to develop some chemistry and a mutual understanding of expectation. For beginners in the LS, I would highly suggest taking small steps at first. Having a non sexual first date was about as perfect as we could have hoped for. With the expectation for play removed we felt much more relaxed and able to enjoy the company of the other couple instead of worrying about what may or may not have happened. Also removing the expectation of play allows for the date to go south and not ruin your night just in case both couples are incompatible.
The Rules of Engagement
There’s a lot written and discussed about a couples rules and what is and is not permitted. Every couple is different and every person has a different comfort level with sex and exploration. For us, our rules have already changed significantly in just four weeks and only one encounter. My only recommendation is to be prepared to change your own rules by reading the mood and chemistry at each separate event. When we first talked about our “rules” we decided we were a soft swap only couple with same room play, non bi-exploration, no pain, no oral, condom only, no cum, and we must reconnect after each encounter. We’ve only had one complete encounter but I can tell you that if the chemistry is right and everyone is comfortable that rules bend just as easily as the mood does.
However there was a very direct and sober discussion before any play happened by all and everyone’s rules for engagement were laid out clearly and concisely. Everyone knew what was allowed and what was not and so far everyone has been very respectful of any rules discussed. We also noticed that the other couple was constantly checking in with us to make sure every time the the action was elevated to the next level that everyone was still willing and able to continue. I suggest having frank discussion on two types of rules; hard rules that both of you are unwilling to change in any situation and soft rules that may change according to the sexual chemistry and mood. For us some hard rules so far has been no anal, no pain, always in the same room and always use condoms. We found out that our soft rules include full/soft swap, mutual oral, and more exploration of female on female play. We don’t yet know that our hard rules will remain constant but for now they create a comfortable and safe boundary until we are ready to explore more. It’s good to know where you think your boundaries and rules are, but it’s also good to acknowledge that those may change over time.
Compersion vs Jealousy
Before we get started let’s define compersion: “The feeling of joy one has experiencing another’s joy, such as the feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy”. Compersion is the absolute antidote to jealousy. Either you posses compersion for your mate and you can partake in the Lifestyle without guilt or hurt or you don’t and you encounter pure jealousy.
You can fake compersion but you can’t hide jealousy and since jealousy sits in the amygdala part of your brain it is a fight or flight like response and it will ruin the night and the experience if unchecked. You should already know deep down if you can tolerate and enjoy watching your partner in pure bliss with another person or if you can’t. You individually need to define this way in advance of stepping into the LS. If you come into the LS for selfish reasons or to try to fix something that is missing or damaged, jealousy will quickly turn any experience into a nightmare.
Compersion will not remove all of the land mines from the lifestyle but it will help you build bridges to go over them safely. Having a game plan with detailed rules and expectations in advance allows my guard to come down and helps me enjoy both my new partner and my wife’s new encounter equally. For example, before our first couples date we had discussed everything that could have happened and that we expected to happen. Touching, kissing, caressing, playing footsie, winking, sexual jokes, flirting etc… we thought we had discussed it all in advance and we thought we were prepared for all of the physical and emotional things that may happen on a first date. And for the most part we were right. That night on our first couples date when I saw him holding her hand under the table i thought it was nice and comfortable. When I noticed him rubbing her neck I was cool and in suspense for her because I knew she was having a good time. When I saw him kissing her neck and I noticed her head tilted back in enjoyment I was both excited for her and a bit nervous but I could clearly see that she was enjoying it so it didn’t bother me. When he kissed her on her lips I felt accomplished and satisfied for her as she had been waiting for that for a long time. But I expected all of that that to happen. The entire night all of the events caused a sense of wonder, anticipation and enjoyment on me because I could see that she was having a great time while at the same time I felt no guilt in doing similar things with my new date because I could see her watching me happily.
Unfortunately, my counterpart did one thing that I had not accounted for and it caught me completely off guard. I think that because I was not expecting the simple and benign action of him tilting her head down and smelling her hair it instantly triggered a flight or flight response in me and a very real sensation of jealousy rose up quickly and fiercely in me. Rationally or irrationally, I thought that action to be too personal and slightly off limits in my set of rules. Here’s the thing, normally that internal reaction would have caused me to flip my lid and end the night. But because I could see her enjoyment in that simple action my emotions were defused and the compersion I have have for her overpowered the jealousy and in that moment his action was overruled as permissible and not as an affront to our relationship. The point is that there will be events, situations, and actions that you cannot account for. The unexpected events will happen randomly and force you to react biologically and without precognition.
Obviously it is your job to asses each event and to end or diffuse any negative situations, but if your mate is having an enjoyable moment and it is just an a personal issue that only you have, compersion will be way that you move forward without causing any strife or jealousy to erupt. And if jealousy has already been triggered, compersion does a great job of subsiding the rising volcano before it erupts. Seeing my wife’s enjoyment with someone else is incomparable to anything I’ve seen in her before, it’s completely and entirely satisfying to see her in these moments and know that she is having a wonderful and exciting adventure. I’ve since then seen my wife with another partner and with another woman. Neither of these actions cause any kind of jealousy. Quite the opposite, they instilled in me a sense of curiosity, admiration and an overall feeling of well-being for her enjoyment. Because I truly enjoy watching her have pleasure it allows me to have a clear conscious and a clear mind when I too partake in this lifestyle next to her.
Compersion allows this adventure to be a mutually enjoyable lifestyle and ultimately strengthens our marriage and our bond between each other because we both get a feeling of well being from seeing each other have fun. I’m not sure that this is something you can foster or develop after you get into the LS. This is something that I’ve always had for her but I’ve only experienced it in her home and professional life. Seeing it in her sexual life makes it magnified exponentially which in turn makes me feel good as well. But I do think that if you feel like your jealousy will outweigh your compersion then maybe the lifestyle is not something that can be healthy for you relationship.
This lifestyle take guts and open communication. If you don’t already have that don’t jump in. There’s plenty of rejection and arguments that can come from the LS and if your current relationship can’t handle that, adding sex is a mix for trouble. It’s very similar to alcohol or money in the sense that the LS just accentuates who you already are. It doesn’t make you bad or morally wrong or increase infidelity or make you see people in bad or good terms. It just bring out more of who you really are. It’s an honest approach to sexuality and it can make your bond with your partner better or worse. If you have ulterior motives for being in the LS those will quickly come to the top and it will lead to damage in between you and your partner. If you approach the LS from the point of view that both of you can benefit from it and both of you are open and willing to discuss anything it can be very rewarding. We’re still newbies, but we already know that taking on this new adventure together has made us better people, better friends, better lovers and a better spouse.
Swing & Tell is a series of real life stories from real life people sharing their experiences with the swinging lifestyle. Please remember that everyone’s situation is unique so what someone experiences might not be what you will experience. Click here to share your story or read other swinger stories