Your enjoyment of swinging greatly depends on who you choose to be your swinging partners. Many couples re-experience the dating life once they start the lifestyle. Meeting other couples often looks like dating, just this time you are not going alone. Both partners get to be selective about who they choose to see & share sexy fun.
Sometimes, the couples simply click together and everybody knows it’s a right match. However, it often happens that you need to kiss a few toads before you find the couples you are really comfortable to have as swinging partners. One date may not be enough for you to decide and that’s why it’s important to know when to give another couple a chance, and when to simply walk away.
Come Up with Your Own Criteria as A Couple
Before you start meeting other swingers, talk together about your expectations from the lifestyle. It’s important that you, as a couple, are on the same page at all times. Discuss what you are looking for in people. Think about the behaviors that would put you off. It’s important that you are both aware of what the red flags are for your partner.
Remember that both partners need to feel happy with the choice.
Depending on what you feel is relevant, you may even want to think of some key questions you would like to ask a couple once you are on a date. Many swinging couples decline to play the first time they meet another couple. This reduces the pressure of first meetings and ensures that you have the time to discuss your first impressions together before you commit to anything physical.
Whether you opt for meeting people through online dating or in-person events like meet & greets or your local swinger club, it’s important that you feel confident with the information you have about the couple before you engage with them.
What Are Common Warning Signs in Couples?
It’s up to each couple to decide whether a warning sign will serve as an automatic disqualification, or simply a signal that more checking is needed.
It is wise not to not always trust the first impression, but we should always consider the information we learn from it.
Choosing a couple to swing with should be a mutual decision. Just like in dating, it’s not always about what you put on your check-list, and not all the warning signs are equally important.
Here are some warning signs that most swinging couples would find worth considering.
- Feelings of Discomfort
What makes us uncomfortable is individual. No matter the reason, if a first date makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s important that a couple considers why they feel this way. Sometimes, we may not be able to explain what causes discomfort but nevertheless, feel it. Remember that non-verbal information is equally important to pay attention to. You should never do anything you don’t want to do.
- Same Social Circle
Swinging with someone who you know from work, church or your neighborhood may just complicate your life unnecessarily. Though many lifestyle experiences spontaneously start swinging with friends who are over for a dinner, managing these relationships can be difficult going forward. Swinging can complicate things to the point it isn’t worth the extra hassle or risk. For example, if you have met the couple you like while at a work party or at your children’s soccer game. These connections can work out with a happy ending but it can also end poorly and then you have to regularly deal with the poor outcome in your everyday vanilla life.
- Different Expectations or Preferences
The expectations and preferences need to match. The couples need to be compatible with each other to be able to enjoy the experience without leaving someone out or making someone feel uncomfortable. Some couples are looking for polyamory or BDSM or some other preference. Don’t assume anything. Ask about what they prefer & make sure it matches with your preferences.
- Dishonesty and Lack of Transparency
If you notice any signs of dishonesty, make sure you double check the reasons behind the lie or the omission of details. There are plenty of things people hide or misrepresent when they are dating in order to innocently protect their privacy and other lies can put you at risk like false STI results. Though some lies may be easier to uncover than others, pay attention to their body language and the consistency in their stories. Ask relevant questions to better protect yourself.
- Risky Sexual Behaviors
Though risky behaviors (such as drunk hookups with random couples at the swinger parties) carry excitement, it’s important to be mindful of the health risks they carry. You as a couple need to agree upon the criteria you feel comfortable with, and the levels of risk you are willing to take. Many couples will only play with other couples that regularly use condoms to decrease the STI risk. You should decide together which couples to avoid and which couples are acceptable for sexy play.
- Lack of Clarity on the Boundaries and Rules
Boundaries and rules within swinging have to be clearly defined and respected. The purpose of this is to make everyone feel safe and confident. It should be concerning if a couple is avoiding the discussion about the boundaries and rules, or is minimizing its importance. If someone says they have no rules, then does that mean they are open to being tied up, gagged, flogged, and cut with knives? Those are all legitimate sexual fetishes you might encounter. Be smart and make sure to always clarify boundaries & rules.
- Jealousy
Jealousy impacts swingers. Seeing your partner with someone else is an experience nothing else fully prepares you to handle. However, jealousy can be destructive if a couple does not address it. If you notice that one partner is being overly controlling of the other and is constantly monitoring how their partner behaves with you, this may be the sign of the unresolved feelings of jealousy and mistrust that this couple needs to work on. Getting involved with these problems still being acute can further complicate their relationship and make you feel caught in the middle of an uncomfortable experience.
- Dysfunctional Relationship Behavior
A relationship needs to be strong to handle swinging. If you notice any signs which would suggest that there is a lack of trust, communication, love or commitment in their relationship, it is best that you do not engage with this couple. Swinging is not something that will fix a broken relationship. It will, in fact, emphasize its cracks. You probably don’t want to add another couple’s drama to your already busy life.
- Secret Communication
Secret communication is an example of a cheating in a swinging relationship. You do not want to compromise the trust of your partner. If someone else’s partner contacts you without the knowledge of your or their partner, you need to either stop the communication or, if you wish to continue, make sure you remind them of the initial agreement and inform them about the consequences of breaking the rule of transparency.
- Swinging as a Patch
If a couple uses swinging to compensate their lack of passion, it’s better that you do not get involved. Swinging is there to enhance, not repair a couple’s sex life. A couple needs to want to be intimate with each other, so they can be intimate with other people. Swinging is not a guilt-free version of cheating.
Whatever you decide, decide together.
The number one priority of swinging is to enhance the quality of your own relationship. Each couple has freedom to decide what works for them. Who you choose to be with is a decision you need to make together. There are no selection criteria that will apply for all. Just like with dating, it’s up to you as a couple to decide your priorities.