Even the most open-minded of us will sometimes want to say no to new adventures that come our way. Maybe it’s a matter of not feeling safe with the person. Maybe it’s because of previous things you have heard about them before. Or maybe it’s because you simply don’t find the person doing the asking that appealing.
No matter what the reason, you should always feel empowered to say no to any and all requests that come your way. This is as true in the swinging lifestyle as it is anywhere else, no matter wherever it comes from an online request, in person, or from anywhere else.
If you are the kind of person who struggles with saying no, if you feel pressure to say yes, or are always worried about not offending the other person, then this article is for you.
Ways to Turn Down Online Requests
You’d think in some ways it’d be easier to turn down any swinging invitation online. After all, you aren’t face to face with the person and don’t need to deal with their immediate reactions. There are, however, challenges involved with saying no even in these circumstances.
One area of caution is how fast people can talk to each other. The swinging scene in your city or state might be small (unless you are incredibly lucky). This means that if you say no to an online request in an insulting way, the word may spread around your local swinger scene.
Additionally, just because the invitation comes from an online platform (wherever the swinging invitation came from WhatsApp, Telegram, or one of the many swinger apps) doesn’t mean that there isn’t a real person behind the phone screen. They should also be treated with respect, as you yourself would want to be.
When saying no, don’t use made-up excuses. For example, if you say “ah, we just don’t have the time”, if not true, will likely have the person suggest a variety of times and try and argue against it.
You also don’t have to give a full-blown beat-by-beat breakdown of why you are saying no. For example, if it is about body build, then the person on the other end might be upset if you give this as a reason.
“Sorry me/me and my partner/we aren’t interested, but hope you find someone soon” or similar is a non-confirmational way of denying a request. Not only is it clear that you are saying no, but you are also emphasizing with the other person.
Only block as a last resort; there might of course be a bit of push and pull, but you need to remember that, especially in the cases of a small swinger community, people do talk around and steer clear of potential drama. Of course, you should use that button if you are feeling threatened, if you are being insulted, etc. The advice here would be to take screenshots, just to protect yourself if something does come up in your local swinger scene.
In-Person Invitations for Sex Play
If the online aspect is difficult, it can be even worse when it comes to saying no to in-person swinger invitations. For some people, it can be hard to say no in person due to wanting to be a people pleaser.
The brutal honesty though is that if you don’t stand up for your wants and needs, it will be hard to get respect. Not only from other swingers in the scene but also respect for yourself.
There are sometimes some advantages to in-person meetings when it comes to saying no. Depending on the environment, wherever it’s at a swinger club or party, you might have other people there who are willing to step in if you get a less-than-nice response to saying no. This extra level of support can be what is really needed in a time like those.
As with turning down online requests for swinging, the best policy is to be direct and clear, without giving excuses or reasons. In-person meetings also allow you to be just a bit more direct, as you can direct things with body language and, if possible, a little bit of humor.
If the person is still insistent, sometimes there is no better choice but to physically remove yourself from the situation. In a club this is easy; simply say you need to go to the bar, toilet, etc. Or find another group to join in, bonus points if the group also includes some of your friends. Pushy people tend to give up as your group size increase.
At a party, you might want to use a similar tactic by engaging in conversation with some other people, blocking off the person being far too forward from being able to talk to you.
Offers of Solo Meetings
If you are invited to a solo meeting, this is actually where people should be most used to getting a no. Sure, just like in any area, some less-than-savory types in the swinger lifestyle find hearing a ‘no’ hard, but mostly, most people in the scene should have a clear understanding that there are plenty of couples who do not wish to engage in solo play and that it is about the pleasure of the couple and not the individual.
Here it’s simple to be direct and give the reason and excuse why not. “Sorry, we’re not interested in solo meetings.” That’s it.
If they try to push you into giving reasons as to why not, you can push them away with platitudes of things like “Ah, we’re not just interested.” But also, you might want to keep it on your mind to strike whoever is doing the asking from other play activities with yourself and your partner. If they aren’t willing to immediately accept a ‘no’ for what is a common rejection, then they are unlikely to be a suitable play partner in other aspects.
How to be Polite but Protect Yourself
It might seem like all meetings come with some danger, and that saying no is a hard thing to do in the swinger world. However, the truth is that anyone who has been in the swinger lifestyle for long enough, or even newbies who are just particularly mature, should never have a problem with you saying no if you do it politely.
Never criticize something about the other person, never slip into making excuses that you then must pile lies on top of, and always remember to be direct and firm.
If you do get people who are impolite, or worse, angry when they have gotten a rejection, you also need to remember that it’s not a reflection on you. Them being annoyed or angry at it is a reflection of themselves. Life isn’t perfect and that includes swinging. When a bad one comes along, say no and ignore their drama.
Sadly, although you should always feel empowered to give the answer no, sometimes you might be in a situation where you feel that this is not possible. In these moments, you do need to be strong. You deserve to do only what you want when you want.
It is not worth being a part of the swinging lifestyle if you can’t make sure that your wants and boundaries are heard. Remember, any adult should have heard “no” many times in their lives, and any reasonable adult should know exactly how to handle hearing those words.