Swinging is about going beyond the conventional set-up of a traditional relationship and stepping into exciting territory of the unknown. Its potential to enhance the quality of a relationship and to encourage the exploration of self, sexuality, intimacy and connection is appealing to many couples who are considering or actively enjoying the lifestyle.
The freedom to define your own rules can often be scary and the novelty of the swinging experience can be anxiety-provoking. The relationship you treasure so much is going through a significant transition, and so are you. Wherever you are on your journey with swinging, know that it is common to experience the nervous feelings.
What Are The Signs Of Nervous Feelings?
Overthinking, obsessing over your insecurities, jealousy, self-consciousness, difficulties remaining calm, edginess, withdrawal or avoidance behaviors, difficulties staying aroused or letting go of control, sweating or shallow breathing, are some examples of the symptoms people often experience as they struggle with nervous feelings.
Still, how we experience nervous feelings is uniquely personal to each of us.
This is why the first step to overcoming nervous feelings is to reflect on your own thoughts, behaviors, and sensations.
- How do you detect your own nervous feelings?
- How is your body reacting when you are experiencing them?
- What comes first, the thought or sensation?
- What is the thought like? What does it sound like?
- Where in your body are you feeling your nervousness?
- Have you ever felt this way and, if yes, when (in which situations)?
Where Are These Feelings Coming From?
Do not dismiss nervous feelings as false or unimportant.
Even in those cases when we know that they do not match the reality and we think of them as irrational, nervous feelings speak their own truth that we should not ignore. The more you try to push them away, the more they will scream for attention.
Stop and try to understand what the nervous feelings are really all about.
They may be coming from a place of insecurity, the need to be reassured or supported, understood or appreciated, from the fear of being left behind, or not meeting the expectations and being judged as deficient or inadequate.
Though thoughts are sometimes easier to articulate, do not ignore the physical signs. Heavy breathing can help us understand the pressure of expectations we feel. Our heart rate can inform us of the need to slow down and not rush into things.
Useful Strategies For Managing (And Understanding) Nervous Feelings
Depending on how intense or how frequent your feelings are, you will find different strategies to be more or less useful. We are all unique & special. There is not a single approach that fits all situations, so experiment with the strategies that make the most sense to your personal swinging situation.
- Learn More About Swinging
Nervous feelings can come from not knowing. Though it may sound exciting to be surprised and not to know what to expect, it can be calming to educate yourself about swinging. You can learn more about the experiences of swingers who enjoy the lifestyle in our Swing & Tell section and read our informative articles to learn about the challenges you may face as a couple. The more you know, the better you can disarm your nervous feelings. Being prepared can empower you to feel more comfortable.
- Anchor Yourself In What Feels Good
There is no need to make yourself uncomfortable. Reflect on what is the comfort level that allows you to feel calm. Let go of outside expectations of how you should act or talk. Follow the swinging pace that is right for you. There is no need to rush this experience. Give yourself permission not to speed up to match others rather go at your own speed on this swinging journey. Take one step at a time, depending on how you feel. Ask yourself: “What feels good?” Or, “what would make me feel more comfortable right now?”
- Connect With Your Partner
A connection with our partner, on an emotional, spiritual, or physical level will often help with silencing the inner voice that is worried, upset or anxious. Talk to your partner about your feelings and help them understand what are the ways to support you. It is very important to have strong and open communication with the love of your life.
- Address The Relationship Challenges
Swinging is not a patch for a broken relationship. It takes a strong relationship for both partners to feel safe in starting the lifestyle. If you are worried about how swinging will affect the trust, communication, intimacy or affection you have for each other, address those concerns with your partner before swinging. If you have already been swinging & find yourself feeling nervous, we strongly suggest you take a temporary break from swinging so you can focus on your own relationship & support. It’s okay to want the reassurance that the relationship can survive and grow from this swinging experience. Get your partner’s perspective on the challenges and the risks of swinging. Remember swinging is only a bonus to your already great relationship. If your relationship ever stumbles for any reason, it should always be prioritized over the bonus experience from swinging.
- Learn Breathing Techniques
When we are nervous, our breathing usually becomes shallow and as we take less oxygen in, our heart rate goes up. This contributes to us feeling even more anxious. Instead of allowing this to progress, try to consciously pay attention to it. Focus on your breathing. There are many apps you can install on your phone to help you practice breathing in a calming manner. Meditation exercises that also involve movement (such as yoga or running), can really be useful in letting go of physical tension that can build up from nervous thoughts.
- Visualize The Experience
Close your eyes, breathe and try to imagine yourself in a situation with your partner and other swingers. Walk yourself mentally through where you are, what you do, where your partner is, what is the communication like, what are the sensations, smells and sounds of the experience. Visualization can help with a mental preparation and can give us an insight into some insecurities the nervous feelings stem from. If you are having trouble visualizing a swinger experience because you have never done it before, try watching a few episodes of the reality show Playboy Swing TV or swinger movies. Full episodes can be found on many free porn websites.
- Think Of The Reasons For Considering Swinging
Before you say “yes” to swinging, think of the reasons that would cause you to say “no”. Nervous feelings can come to us as mental warnings with the purpose of preventing ourselves from getting into something new and potentially dangerous. Swinging is a wonderful experience if you feel it is aligned with your needs and desires. Understanding our doubts of swinging and acknowledging their existence, can help us resolve the inner conflicts and the nervous feelings that follow them.
- Be Gentle And Kind With Yourself
Let’s not forget about self-compassion.
You are exploring an unknown territory for your relationship. Every change comes with a dose of anxiety. It’s okay and completely natural to have these feelings. Do not judge yourself harshly. Instead, try to take these feelings as motivation to reflect and learn more about you and your relationship. Use them as helpful feedback coming from your mind and body to help you improve the experience of swinging.
Bridge Between Nervous Feelings And Excitement
When you pay close attention to the sensations we recognize as the signs of nervous feelings, you will definitely notice that they are more or less the same as the sensations we experience when we’re excited.
What is different in this experience is the cognition. The way we think about them is different.
When we’re experiencing nervous feelings, we do so from the position of insecurity or instability. We worry that the outcome is likely to be bad. When we’re excited, we anchor ourselves in thinking that everything will turn out well in the end.
In overcoming nervous feelings, it’s important to look at the outcomes of the behavior or a situation you are nervous about. There is a chance that all that you need is to be reassured that everything will be okay in the end.
That reassurance can come in a form of advice from other swingers, a deep conversation and sharing with your partner, your own permission to yourself to take things at your pace and remove the pressure from the experience.
Your heart will still be racing, your breathing will still be fast or shallow, you’ll find yourself overwhelmed and surprised, a bit scared and you will feel okay to move forward.
You will be excited.
Remember it’s the journey, not the destination.
Do not treat your nervous feelings as the side-effect of swinging. Instead, think about them as the signals for connection, for learning about yourself and allow others to support you in this process.
Be patient and compassionate with yourself through this process of learning.