Each one of us has probably felt insecure or inadequate at some point in our lives. These feelings of insecurity may be related to things like our bodies, our personalities and our jobs.
You may feel like you are not good enough or that other people are better than you at certain things. You may feel like other people look better than you or are more physically fit than you. For a lot of us, feelings of inadequacy or insecurity may also extend to the bedroom. You might feel like you are not good enough in bed and wonder if your partner is satisfied or if your future swinging partners will be satisfied.
This feeling of insecurity and wondering whether you are good enough in bed can be exacerbated when discussing the idea of swinging with your partner. You might wonder how it will work. You might wonder if you will feel more insecure or even more inadequate once you enter the lifestyle. You might be surprised to know that people tend to gain a lot of confidence and have a higher self-esteem after gaining some swinging experience. Although contrary to what many people expect, it is a common experience. But first let’s talk about how to enjoy your swinging experience if you’re struggling with fears of sexual inadequacy.
A common worry that often pops up in swinging is worrying about satisfying your partner. It’s something that many people have been insecure about at some point in their lives. Women often worry about how they look and sound during sex, taking too long to reach an orgasm, or not getting there at all. Men frequently worry about the size or shape of their penis, their ability to please their partner, or climaxing too quickly. These worries all detract from the pleasure of the sexual experience.
Focus on the Journey
Something to keep in mind here is sex is not about the destination. It is much more about the journey. We’re not claiming that orgasms are overrated, but you don’t experience pleasure from only that one brief moment.
Try to revel in the whole process. Instead of worrying about the end, enjoy each moment. Focus on the pleasure you are feeling in the moment rather than worrying about what’s coming next. Beyond orgasms, there might be other things you are worried about.
Rules Protect Your Comfort Zone
Thankfully, there are a number of things that you can do to make sure that you enjoy your swinging experiences. Especially if you’re worried or concerned about your skills in bed, a good place to start would be to establish clear rules with your partner to ensure your fun stays within the comfort zone for both of you.
For example, if you are worried you might not be able to last as long as the other couple, you could limit it to soft swap swinging only to remove the pressure that comes with having full sex.
For some people, feelings of sexual inadequacy may manifest in not trusting your spouse to be open about how much they enjoyed a swinging experience. If the trust issue is limited to a belief that your partner may try to protect your feelings by withholding some sexy details, it may be beneficial to agree to same-room-only play. If there is a broader trust issue, the best thing for your relationship may be to pass on swinging and focus on strengthening your connection.
The important thing here is to communicate with your partner and to create rules to make sure any fears or insecurities are addressed. You can change any of your rules as you gain more confidence and your comfort zone expands.
Communication Helps Sexy Fun
Great sexual experiences come from great communication. We’ve all wondered whether what we’re doing in bed is satisfying our partner. The best way to know whether your partner is feeling pleasure is to just ask them.
Even if you don’t want to have a whole conversation about what you’re doing, you can make communication part of the sexual experience. Perhaps you can ask them to tell you what they want you to do in bed, or ask them to lead and have fun with it! You can also ask what their favorite thing is that you do, if they’re enjoying something you like and so on.
What’s so exciting about swinging is that it’s new. The new experiences that you and your partner have with other people can be brought back to your own bedroom. You may be worried about your partner enjoying a sexual experience with someone else more than they enjoy it with you. It’s a normal worry, but it is also a great opportunity. We can turn it around into a benefit! After your swinging encounters, talk with your partner about what you both have discovered from the swinging experience and bring the best back into your bedroom to strengthen your own amazing intimacy.
Beyond worrying about your ability to perform sexually, you might also be worried about the initial impressions you will make on new people. This brings us back to increasing your confidence. This often happens naturally over time after people feel the positive reinforcement from their swinging encounters, but many of us can benefit from a pre-swinging confidence booster shot. If you are feeling unsure about yourself, you can give yourself a mini makeover to lift your spirits. A sharp hairstyle and a sexy new outfit can do wonders to increase the confidence you feel walking into a new situation.
While a new look can work wonders for how good you feel on a given day, it is important to celebrate who you are at your core each day. Many of us are our own harshest critics so we sometimes forget how great we already are. If you need a reminder, look at the person who knows you best. Your awesome partner chose you, which makes you a pretty awesome catch, right? Keep that in mind because confidence is the sexiest tool you can use to attract to other swingers. No matter your size, weight, or how well endowed you are, confidence is what sells the package!
Bolstering Bedroom Skills
Too many of us wonder if our skills in bed are good enough for someone new. We may be unsure about whether the other people involved will enjoy the experience. This concern brings us back to communication.
Different people like different things. Oral communication and paying attention to swinger body language can help guide you to giving your new partners an amazing time. Before clothes even start coming off, ask your new friends what they like as part of your flirting with them. This way you will have a cheat sheet on how to be a better match in bed for them. Why worry about reinventing the wheel when you can simply ask them what they like? While you are swinging, make sure to be vocal about what you enjoy and don’t be afraid to ask how they like it.
Be Fair To Yourself
It’s also really important to make sure your expectations are fair. Don’t base your expectations on porn, which is fake and just does not compare to any real life sex. We’re not saying there’s nothing sexy about porn. We just don’t think anyone in the real world should measure themselves against perfectly airbrushed bodies doing circus tricks. You are not going to elicit loud, theatrical moans and screaming orgasms from your partner by “performing” like a porn star. Great sex comes from communication, from understanding what your partner enjoys and what gets you off.
Swinging is a great way to figure out what you enjoy, both when you are with your partner and otherwise. Leave behind those insecurities and give yourself permission to enjoy your amazing sexual life.