We all have triggers that can ruin our fun. Or worse, ruin our relationship. To keep you and your relationship safe, you’ll want to carefully avoid relationship landmines that might be lingering a little below the surface of your happy relationship.
You might be aware of some of these landmines, and think they won’t be an issue for you or your partner. Be careful. It’s dangerous to assume anything, especially if you haven’t talked about it, or experienced it before. Many veteran swingers in healthy relationships, with years of experience, have encountered a landmine explosion at one time or another because you can’t always predict how you or your partner will react to every situation.
It’s one thing to imagine a scenario, and another thing entirely to live it. Something you thought was in your comfort zone might prove to push you past your limits. Just ask our friend who learned the hard way to never ask a dominatrix to surprise you: just because he liked his dominatrix using a strap-on did not mean he was ready for her to invite a guy to join in. Most people aren’t crazy enough to dare a dominatrix to surprise them, and our friend strongly encourages everyone to learn from his mistake.
When you join the lifestyle, you’re going to be facing many new experiences that will test how you and your loved one feel. Some people love the excitement of playing with other partners, but might not be able to handle seeing their loved one kiss someone else, so they have a no kissing rule. Another person might love kissing and touching other people, but can’t handle seeing another guy’s equipment penetrate his wife, so this couple sticks with soft-swap. Other people really enjoy the fantasy of sexy time with different people, but can’t stand to see their partner actually flirting in front of them. For these people, it might be better to stay home and privately watch some porn that will help them role play.
You don’t want to assume you and your loved one will be okay with every single scenario. Honestly, you won’t be 100% sure of what you’re comfortable with until you do it. So don’t rush in too fast.
Even taking it slow doesn’t ensure that you’ll always be safe from landmines. Feelings evolve and change over time, so it is possible for triggers to pop up over time. The great way to protect your relationship from landmines is with better communication. You want to be very honest with each other about your feelings, especially about any negative feelings. This will help you identify triggers and address them early, before they blow up into a big, bad problem.
Identifying Troublesome Triggers
Here are some questions you can ask each other to help spot potential landmines before you enter the lifestyle:
- What types of flirting (visual, verbal, touching, etc.) are in the comfort zone?
- What types of communications (phone, text, email, etc.) are in the comfort zone?
- What is allowed to happen before you meet another swinging couple face to face?
- What can happen after you meet another swinging couple face to face?
- Are any specific acts or body parts reserved just for your own private fun?
- How much money can you spend on the swinging lifestyle?
- How much time do you want to spend in the swinging lifestyle?
- How often do you want to engage in swinging events?
- What triggers your jealousy?
- What types of physical appearances are off limits (looks like ex-spouse, coworker, etc)?
- How much solo action is allowed and how often do you need to loop back in?
- Is there a level of TMI (too much information) outside of your comfort zone?
- Is there a desire for sharing even the smaller details?
- What would feel disrespectful when talking or playing with other couples?
- What responsibility do you have to each other during a swinging event?
Hopefully, those questions help you both understand what is inside the comfort zone and what is outside. Remember that things change. You should reconnect after each play session and openly share with each other. Talking about what you liked and didn’t like about the play session will help your partner better protect you and your relationship. Understanding your partner’s feelings will empower you to do the same. You know that you’re already with the sexiest person in the world and you don’t want to lose them, so make sure you communicate clearly with each other. If you do not understand how your partner feels, just ask them to explain. Talking about these topics helps many swinger couples open up and strengthen their relationship. Many swinger couples love to have a sexy debriefing after playing to share with each other their perspectives on the event – the good, bad, and (sometimes) strange.
Issues are better dealt with early and often, before they can fester into radioactive relationship killers. You joined the lifestyle to have a fun, sexy time – communication will help keep the drama at bay so you can focus on the good times instead of dwelling on the bad times. This open communication can even help to strengthen the bond between you and your partner. It is common to feel like you have a “mind meld” with your partner. Many experienced swingers find that they often already know what their partner is thinking before they even open their mouth.
Plus, chatting after your play sessions gives you a chance to relive the hottest and sexiest moments – which can get both of your engines revving! Many swingers have hot sex during a play session and even hotter sex the next day, as they keep reliving their amazing experience with the hottest person they know – their own partner.