Whether you are new to swinging or you have had years of experience with it, chances are your friends have crossed your mind when you think about who to invite into your bed. And it makes sense. After all, you are already close to them. There is obvious chemistry between you. You trust them. You feel safe with them. And bonus points: If you do swing with your friends, you don’t have to deal with the hassle of finding someone new!
But is it really a good idea? It might seem that way, but be wary. Be very, very wary. And if you decide to go for it, make sure you do it right.
Cons of Swinging with Friends
Before we get into the benefits, it’s really important to understand that there are many pitfalls to swinging with friends. Before you make any choices, consider the drawbacks carefully to be confident that they won’t ruin your friendship.
This is a top pitfall for many people. No one wants to feel used, including your single friends. It is unkind to play with your friends just to cross another item off of your sex checklist. It is not unusual for people to be left feeling like you only wanted them for one thing, and it is easy to accidentally do things to amplify this feeling. Think about how you are going to avoid this pitfall before acting.
Jealousy or Guilt
There are many reasons someone (especially someone inexperienced with swinging) could have a negative emotional reaction to the situation. It could be guilt over feeling like they used your lifestyle to satisfy their own curiosity, guilt after feeling pressured to ignore their sexual ethics, or guilt having harbored a secret attraction for years and finally acting on it without coming clean. Jealousy can also come into play in different forms. Some friends end up being jealous over an unexpectedly strong connection or envious after enjoying a particularly good sexual performance. It is also common for friends to feel sudden pangs of competitiveness or a sense of inadequacy about physique and/or sexual prowess.
Different Kink Levels
What if your friend is into something really kinky? Or what if they are against anything remotely kinky? It could be as simple as saying the wrong thing in bed. Phrases like “yes, daddy be rough” can be a big turn-on for some and just as big a turn-off for others. Different strokes for different folks, right? The truth is that you and your friends may be emotionally compatible and attracted to each other, but that doesn’t mean you will be sexually compatible.
Just Losing the Friendship
Remember that, along with everything listed above, there is also the chance that you and your vanilla friends won’t be comfortable with being around each other after you guys have experienced each other intimately. Things can’t be unseen, and not everyone is as mature as they imagine themselves to be. You can never really predict how someone will react, so understand there is always a chance you can forever lose the friendship.
You might be thinking there is less risk in swinging with friends since you already trust them. There are a few flaws here. First, they might be your friends today, but you don’t know if they will be your friends forever. If you ever drift apart, they might leak out your swinging secret. Even if they are 100% trustworthy, accidents happen. They might get too drunk or be overheard by the wrong people. If your friends talk with other people in your life, there will always be a chance that your swinging adventures will slip out. A better way to insulate your privacy is to compartmentalize your swinging fun away from your vanilla life.
Thankfully, friends are not your only option. There are a lot of ways to find couples who are interested in swinging. Swinger dating sites, local clubs, and lifestyle parties are great options. The goal should be to make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends.
Pros of Swinging with Friends
All of those cons aside, there are pros to swinging with friends. For starters, you know them, and you know that you can trust them. Since they are already your friends, they have likely demonstrated respect for your boundaries and your needs, as well as be able to tell when you are nervous better than a stranger.
You also most likely know about their sexual past and sexual health, which are both very important.
Before bringing it up
Before you bring anything up, you need to make sure that this will not make your friend uncomfortable. It can be a very awkward conversation in the best of circumstances and even more awkward when dealing with rejection.
You have to consider that your friend might not be interested in something like this generally or in you/your partner specifically.
So, before you ask someone to join you, make sure that they are a good possibility. You can do this by mentioning that you and your partner are considering a threesome. If they react in a positive manner, ask them if they have ever done it or would ever be interested.
If they say yes, don’t rush headlong into propositioning them. Carefully consider the vibe you are picking up. It is wise to sleep on it to make sure you aren’t rushing over any warning signs.
If they seem open and you have decided it’s worth the risk, then it is time for an honest chat about what you are asking and what you & your partner have in mind. Bringing it up in a casual manner allows you to gauge your friend’s reactions without putting them in a position where they have to worry about your intentions or agonize over hurting your feelings.
Having the Swinging Talk
When you feel like you have found someone who not only would make a good addition to the bedroom but you also strongly believe would be comfortable with it, it is time to make the move!
While there is often a huge benefit to dropping subtle clues, now is not that time. When you decide that you would like to swing with a friend, be open and honest about it. Tell them the truth about your intentions and what you are hoping for.
Give them time to process and give them an easy out
If you drop all of this on your friend out of the blue, chances are you will need to give them time to process what you just said. So, don’t expect an answer right away. Let them know that you are happy to answer any questions they have and give them an easy out. Tell them that you will not hound them or harbor any resentment. Let them know the ball is in their court: you don’t need to talk about it again unless they bring it up.
A simple, “Take some time to think about it, and if you’d like to talk more, we can. If it’s not something you’re comfortable with, we can never mention it again” is a good way to let your friend know that you’re not going to push or pressure them.
Setting boundaries and expectations
Assuming your friend is interested, it’s important to talk about what you should all expect. Are you expecting a long-term playmate? Are you expecting a one-night stand with a friend? Is there anything off-limits for you or them?
Ask yourself, your friend, and your partner what can/cannot be allowed in the situation. Talk openly about your needs and your limits, and your fears.
Also, discuss what is going to happen after your fun. Will your friend spend the night? Will you guys have breakfast in the morning? I strongly encourage this conversation! (Especially if sleepovers are already normal) But remember that you and your partner may need a little alone time as well.
Communicating is important
It should go without saying, but communication is key here. You and your partner should have communicated about everything before you even consider talking with a friend about the possibility of play. Still, it’s also important to reevaluate your choices as things progress and to keep lines of communication open—both with your partner and your friend.
It may also be easier to talk to your friend alone before all three of you talk together. It’s important to make sure that everyone feels as comfortable as they can expressing themselves. And most of all, make sure this continues during and after sex.
Aftercare is important! And this doesn’t extend to just after sex. This includes the weeks and months after you invite your friend into the bedroom. It’s important to make sure that you continue to treat the friendship with the same respect that you had before. And remember that even months later, someone can still start to question or regret their choices.
Swinging with friends is complicated, and it is often easier to find others who are already in the community rather than risk an existing relationship. But if you take the time to be careful, respectful, and caring, it is possible to have a successful friendship after a night (or more) of shared bedroom fun.