A few months ago, we were preparing for a Lifestyle cruise with our couple’s counselor, discussing fears, intentions, and our greatest hopes for the trip—when we remembered that, although it hadn’t happened much recently, it was possible we could disconnect or have a conflict during our vacation. She assured us: “You have the tools, you know how to repair and come back together if anything happens.”
What a relief it is to know that even if you and your partner have a disruption or disconnection, you can come back together. Of course, this is needed whether you are in the Lifestyle or not, but it’s higher stakes in Lifestyle settings for a couple of reasons. First, what we share in Lifestyle settings is intimate: we are sharing ourselves and our beloveds with others in the most vulnerable way. And second, if we don’t know how to repair quickly, a disconnection could totally detract from our ability to play or have those ecstatic moments we seek through the Lifestyle. Whereas, in the Vanilla world, you might be able to take a day or two to be mad, the FOMO you’ll experience in Lifestyle settings during that time will eat at you and cause even further resentment. Better to nip it asap.
But how? The first thing that really helped us was to agree in advance to forgive one another, and to forgive as soon as possible. No grudges. We always give one another a positive presumption. A positive presumption is always holding the knowing in your mind that your partner never intends to hurt you or bring you harm in any way. You believe they are doing their best and remember that they love you and hold you dear. This removes a lot of the pain from disconnections that do happen because you can chalk it up to an honest mistake or misunderstanding.
Next, we needed to agree on a protocol for coming back together. This can be tough because you don’t necessarily know what actions will trigger you or how you will act when triggered. But, if we’re being honest, we do have a fair sense of our fears and triggers. Talking about these in advance helps prepare both of you for the possibility that you face them in front of others or in a setting you’d rather not act childish in. For example, it is easy for me to feel disrespected or humiliated. I know I can feel this way if it feels like my husband has a connection with another woman, but I am not feeling respected by her. This makes me feel ganged up on and like he’s not on my side, and I am liable to get angry and teary if this happens. I can also feel this way if my husband doesn’t pick up a cue from me that I’m not interested. Of course, it’s my work to soften around this trigger, but while I do, my husband is keen to look out for this dynamic with other couples so we can avoid it. If we do face it, it’s easy for me to tell him I felt disrespected and for him to know right away what’s coming up for me. This compassion in the moment brings us back together, instead of further apart.
I should also note that the language we use to let one another know we are triggered is something we’ve agreed on in advance. First, we’ll say something like, “I’m triggered.” Or, “I’m in the red zone,” to let one another know that we need to get to a private place where we feel safe to be with what’s arising and speak honestly right away. The first thing we do when we get to that private place is to hold hands, look one another in the eyes, and say, “I love you. Thank you.” Maybe we elaborate on the “thank you,” and say what we are specifically grateful for about one another in that moment, like them tending to our needs right away or for participating in fun Lifestyle events together. Growing in gratitude softens and eases the conversation to come, reducing the impact, for both of us, of any behavior one of us finds hurtful.
Then, when discussing the trigger, we use this structure: “When I…I felt…and the story I made up.” This helps us focus on our feelings rather than on blame.
The sentence works like this: “When I [insert observation verb such as “saw,” or “heard”] [describe what happened as objectively as possible], I felt [insert emotion such as sad, angry, jealous, alone, bored, ashamed, scared], and the story I made up [here’s where you describe what the triggered part of you was thinking]. For example, “When I saw you kiss her on the cheek, I felt angry, and the story I made up was that you don’t care about me because you were more interested in kissing her than you were in following my cues.”
Whatever we do, we focus on our feelings and do not resort to blaming, shaming, or criticizing one another. We remember our positive presumption and assume it was an honest swinger mistake, despite what our inner voices might be saying.
Now that you’ve (1) agreed to give one another the benefit of the doubt, (2) talked about potential triggers so that you can have compassion for your beloved and yourself when they happen, and (3) agreed to use loving language and never resort to blaming, shaming or criticizing when talking about the triggers, you’re in great shape to repair. Now it’s time to ask the magic question: “What do you need?” Sometimes, I need a hug, an apology, or some words of affirmation. Other times, I need to call it and stay in for the rest of the night. Other times, I feel cured by the conversation, and I’m ready to head back out. Whatever your partner needs, you honor.
For us, we felt so lucky we had prepared ourselves for this possibility because we did have a disconnection on the cruise. After I felt rejected and insulted by a woman, my husband hugged her, and I felt irate. I made up a story that he didn’t have my back. I was so hot we had to abandon our prospective play partners and go straight to the room. It took many rounds of repetition for me to feel understood, and even though I was too hurt to go back out that night, we did come back together. We made up, we made love, and that night became one of our hottest cruise memories. The next day, we met up with our prospective play partners from the night before and had an incredibly hot play session with them as well. My husband’s dedication to honoring what I needed made me feel so loved and cherished. By tending to our needs in the moment, instead of bulldozing over them, we experienced a deeper connection than we would have had absent the conflict.
And I should add that this is the long form of repair. Sometimes you won’t need all this. Sometimes, all we need to do is hold hands, look one another in the eyes, and say, “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you,” and we’re back in the game. The more you practice, the better you’ll get and the faster you’ll get at recovering from disconnection. For this reason, we like to practice overcoming the smallest disconnections in everyday life, making disconnection something that strengthens us rather than pulls us apart. Nothing is too small to practice, so we try to not we sweep anything—no matter how small—under the rug. It’s a way of flipping everyday misunderstandings on their head: instead of a failure or dark point in a relationship, they become a cause for celebration because you get to practice a skill that will help you get laid more in the future. Yay.
Do you have tips for how you and your partner reconnect, or specific issues you’ve found challenging to overcome? Drop me a line! I’d love to discuss them with you or write about them.
Warmly,