Whether you attend swinger clubs or private lifestyle parties at a friends home, it’s inevitable that at some point you will have to turn someone down. In fact, it will probably happen quite a lot, especially if you’re new to the scene and you’re still working out your preferences and boundaries. Nobody is attracted to absolutely everyone, and we all have our various likes and dislikes when it comes to compatible sex partners. There is nothing wrong with having preferences and being selective. Experienced swingers understand this. Part of being a swinger is being a mature adult who accepts being turned down as par for the course and they’re generally very respectful.
Anyone who doesn’t respect your rejection really won’t last long in the swinger scene.
It’s important that when you decline someone’s advances that you respect your own boundaries as well, and make sure that you also respect the feelings of the other person or people. It is never fun when swingers beak-up. Put yourself in their shoes, and consider how you would like to be turned down if you were the rejectee.
We’ve put together some tips and tricks to make this unfortunate experience go as smooth as possible.
Assert your boundaries
When you say ‘no’, be clear what it is you are declining. Is it ‘no’ to penetrative sex? Or ‘no’ to kissing? Or ‘no’ to any sexual contact at all? Consent is important, and it is even more important to assert boundaries in a group sex where it is easier to misunderstand each other. Make sure to be a good advocate for yourself & your partner. Stand up for yourself and do not compromise your personal swinger boundaries.
That said, don’t feel as though you owe anyone a precise explanation why you are declining them. Just “not feeling it” or “we aren’t up for playing” are perfectly valid responses. Feelings are paramount in swinging where intimacy is being shared amongst people we might not know all that intimately. Be careful not to overshare & unnecessarily hurt someones feelings when a milder, vague response would have sufficed.
Be considerate with the language you use when you turn someone down. Try to avoid saying anything that puts the blame on the other person, and instead emphasize that you are turning them down because of your own boundaries – not anything they have done wrong. For example, “My husband doesn’t find you attractive” is an unnecessary harsh response. It would be much more considerate to simply say “Thank you for the offer but we don’t feel a four way connection”.
It can be tempting to lie to get your way out of the situation, but this isn’t usually the best way to handle rejecting someone. Swinging and group sex relies on honesty, and you want to foster a sense of trust in your community. If you are caught lying, it might mean people grow to distrust you. Additionally, though lying might seem like it is the easy way out of hurting someone’s feelings, dishonesty is often more hurtful. Not to mention that a little lie can turn into a much bigger mess. For example saying “we aren’t ready to play tonight” will often result in the rejected couple chasing after you the following weeks to see if you have changed your minds. You don’t want to mislead swingers so be as honest as you can without oversharing & unnecessarily being rude.
Offer another suggestion
If you are turning somebody down for sex, but actually enjoy their company, explain this and offer another suggestion for something later in the evening (i.e “We don’t feel a sexy four way connection but think you are awesome friends – can we meet at the bar later?”) This breaks the impact of being turned down, and also communicates to the other person that you don’t dislike them and it’s not personal that you have said ‘no’ to them. Depending on how you feel, it may be worth saying that you don’t sleep with anyone unless you know them well, and by arranging to meet them later you’re opening up that possibility. Don’t accidentally mislead anyone though, only say that if it’s true.
It’s important you communicate clearly what you do and don’t want from the person you are declining. This might be turning down penetrative sex, or foreplay, or just any sexual activity at all. Keep your sentences concise and to the point. “I don’t want to do that” or “I’m not interested in that” or “I’d like to kiss you, but I’m not interested in going any further than that at the moment”. You can take the abruptness out of phrases like this by making sure you keep your tone of voice gentle.
Don’t feel the need to apologize
You don’t owe anybody the right to touch your body. When you turn somebody down, don’t feel like you need to be apologetic or say sorry for saying ‘no, thank you’. You can soften the blow by telling them that you’re really flattered, or that you find them attractive, but again only say that if you actually mean it.
People in the lifestyle know not to take rejection personally. Unless you are a brand new rookie, we have all had to reject someone and been rejected too many times to count. As long as we all act polite & mature, it is ok. Heck, it is even helpful to reject someone, so they don’t waste their time on something that has no chance of happening.
What happens when you are turned down?
Just like it’s inevitable that you will have to turn someone down, one day you will have the same experience. When this happens, don’t try to push their decision or guilt them or get annoyed with their choice. Respect their choice, just like you would want someone to respect your own choices. Try not to probe for specific reasons. Maturely accept their decision and let the matter simply fade away.
It’s important to not take rejection like this personally. It doesn’t mean that you are not attractive, just that it wasn’t the right match at that moment. It’s hard but try and be gracious, because you can make them feel bad even if you don’t say anything bad. In a situation as complex as swinging or group sex, one person’s bad mood can spread very quickly. No one likes drama, so make sure to avoid it. Focus on the positive side, being rejected saves you from wasting your time.
It’s sometimes worth taking some time out when this happens if it has upset you – maybe taking five minutes to sit at the bar or head outside for some fresh air. You’ll feel much more ready to face the party once your emotions have had time to settle.
Because some people just can’t stand awkward moments they might opt to go with the “ghosting” option. They will simply disappear and stop responding to you as if they turned into ghosts. It is not the most mature option but it happens. Try to be better than this and don’t ghosts swingers.
Common Rejection Lines
Still not sure what to say or write? Go ahead and steal our swinger rejections.
- “Thanks for meeting up with us. We had a fun time & think we could all be good friends. Unfortunately, we did not feel a sexy four way connection to play. If you ever want to meet up for a friendly dinner let us know”
- “We had a great time, but right now we are looking to find other experiences so we aren’t open to more meetings.”
- “We like you & would really enjoy hanging out with you, but we’re not looking to play.”
- “Hi, we both really enjoyed meeting with you. We don’t feel there is a match for play but would love to hang out again for drinks.”
- “Thanks for meeting up with us. It was a real fun time, but we didn’t feel a sexy four way connection. Good luck in your search.”
- “You guys are super nice. Unfortunately we just didn’t feel the right chemistry. We do hope you find what you’re looking for.”
- “It was nice seeing you. You are a great couple but we don’t feel a sexy match between us. We wish you good luck in finding the right sexy connection.”
Common Rejection Acceptance Lines
Not sure how to respond to swinger rejections? You can go ahead and steal these lines.
- “Thanks so much for being up front. We wish you good luck finding what you want.”
- “We understand and wish you both a happy & sexy swinging life.”
- “No worries, thanks for letting us know.”
- “Thanks for letting us know, hope you have a fun & sexy day”
- “Ok, if you are ever interested in hanging out for friendly fun you know how to reach us.”