Wondering why you aren’t having a lot of success as a single man in the swinging lifestyle? Sigh … take a seat with all the other men wondering this and pay attention to our advice. Yes, it does tend to be harder for single men in the lifestyle but that doesn’t mean you can’t have plenty of crazy fun as long as you avoid some very common mistakes.
We all have room for improvement so why not boost your chances of having hot sex? We are here to reveal the most common things that single men overlook that result in couples choosing another single man. Don’t accidentally sabotage your swinging chances. Learn from this list. Yes, this is a long list because there are many ways single men wreck their swinging chances. So buckle up and let’s begin revealing how to boost your swinging chances!
- Show Respect to Both – It doesn’t matter if you only are sexually attracted to the woman (or the man), remember that swinging couples are a team. If you want to have fun with either part of the team, you should show respect to both teammates so no one raises a veto to your attempt at sexy time. This is a very common mistake by single men. Make sure you talk with both the woman and man. Ignoring their partner is a good way to get yourself vetoed out of the swinger fun. Respectfully talking with both of them ensures everyone is comfortable and shares the same understanding of what will (or won’t happen) when the clothes fall off.
- Don’t Assume Anything, Ask Them – If there is anything about their rules or boundaries you aren’t sure about, ask them before you accidentally offend them. What about kissing? Is it OK to start play if one of them is in the bathroom or do all three of you need to be in the same room? Is texting or email flirting ok? Does it have to be group chats or can it be solo? Remember, you want to show you are respectful of them and their relationship. Let your actions always demonstrate to them that you can be a good teammate using their preferred rule book.
- Remember Their Fantasy is More Important Than Yours – We’d like to say everyone is equally important, but the honest truth is that the supply of single men is much more than the demand of couples looking for a single man to join their threesome. This mismatch means couples can be very selective and make it be their rules or you’re out. If you want to greatly help your chance of having sexy time, focus more on helping them make their fantasy a reality. This might even mean that your first round of sexy fun is all about them. It sounds extreme but delivering a great first performance can greatly boost your odds of recurring fun with them or having them recommend you to other swinger friends. Would you rather have fun their way or be alone doing it your way?
- Be Open Minded – The more sexy possibilities that you are willing to join in, the more you boost your chances of being selected by a couple. They might want a BDSM approach or roleplaying or something else. Maybe they will want double penetration, which will likely cause some incidental crossing of the swords or outright bisexual action. Of course you should never compromise yourself and do something you don’t want to do. The truth is that the more you are open minded and willing to try different things, the better chance you will have making a good connection.
- Upgrade Your Look – Swinging is about sex and that means they need to be physically attracted to you. We aren’t just talking about your wardrobe but more importantly your birthday suit as well. That is what you are going to be wearing when having sex. Upgrade your grooming – front & back. Trim back the hair (which has the added bonus of making you look bigger down below). Drink more water to make your skin look better. Trim those nails and clean up those cuticles, or better yet get a professional manicure without nail polish to be super smooth (no one likes jagged or dirty nails on their sensitive bits). Your pride you take in your appearance is totally under your control so it is one of the easiest things to do that will boost your odds of swinging. Think of how many hours women use to get ready for a hot date. Are you putting in anywhere near that same effort to look your best? If you are unsure how to look your best, ask a lady friend and not the sales lady who is trying to sell you stuff.
- Invest In Yourself – Swinging costs money, especially if you are single man. You should upgrade your swinging profile to a paid account. Most swinger sites are useless if you only have a free account. Most swingers immediately screen out free accounts because they tend to be flakes & fakes that cause trouble and are trying to steal their photos. When you go to a swinger party, be ready to pay up with costly door fees. If you are smart, you’ll spend a bit of money on drinks you can share with others. It can be hard to break the ice with couples but asking if anyone wants to join you for a free round of jello shots, or to share your bottle of fancy sipping whisky or whatever your go-to is, is an easy icebreaker even for shy single swingers. Of course, you should also invest in your wardrobe & grooming. Better clothes, hair, nails, & skin can really help you make a great impression. Spending some money on fancy underwear that flatters you instead of wearing your old, stretched-out & torn pair can really boost your self-esteem and help you feel more confident. Even if no one else sees it, you will have the confidence of knowing you look and feel good in them.
- Be Generous With Others – We aren’t kidding when we say that swinging costs money especially for single men. Besides the costs of joining the sites and attending the clubs, there are also the costs of dates. If you go out to dinner together, or grab drinks, or a hotel room, don’t be cheap. Being generous to others will greatly help your odds. Of course, they should offer to split the bills with you but generously paying for it yourself does make it easier for them to go out more often to meet you for fun times. As strange as it sounds, hooking up with a single lady can often be cheaper than going out with a couple.
- Upgrade Your Profile – Spend time creating a hot profile. Not your idea of hot, but what others will find hot to them. Make sure you are using current pictures & try to leave hints that they are current (ex. a New Year’s banner from the current year in the background). Were your pictures taken during the golden hour? If you don’t know about golden hour photography, start googling how to take better pictures. Make sure the pictures all have clean & tidy backgrounds. Dirty laundry or a sink of dishes isn’t sexy. Do some competitive research and read many, many profiles of other single men so you can write more than a single sentence on your profile. Couples like to know you are literate and have an actual personality so show it with your writing. Creating your profile is another thing totally under your control, so spend a good bit of time to make sure it is top notch.
- Stay Sober – Do you want to drink or do you want to have sex? If you want sex, skip the booze or go really easy on it. You want to be in the best mental & physical shape when you meet them. Drinking too much can lead to you saying or doing the wrong that will sabotage your swinging adventure. It can also dull your ability to read their body language. You want to be on top of your game to notice how the couple is acting and to properly respond. Are you sensing they are nervous and need reassuring or maybe they want more flirting and seduction? Being clear minded helps you best manage the situation. Not to mention that you want to ensure you will physically perform your best in the bedroom.
- Attend the Right Events on the Right Nights – Don’t annoy party organizers by trying to attend events that are couples only. Invest some time reading the event description and rules to see if single men are allowed, if there are any time limits, and/or restrictions on which rooms you can enter. You want the party organizer to be your ally and not complain about you to their friends or, worse, ban you from attending future events.
- Don’t Be Desperate When Chatting – Yes, we all go on swinger sites or attend swinger parties because we like to have sex but that doesn’t mean it should be the first thing out of your mouth (or the second, or the third). Power up your flirting game and share some compliments with them. This isn’t prostitution where you pay and immediately play. This is about consenting adults making a connection, so polish up your social skills. Act like you have seen a sexy outfit before and stop uncomfortably gawking at people. Smile and make eye contact, then keep up that eye contact. You don’t want to accidentally seem to be a creep who is staring at others. If you see someone who looks good to you, smile and compliment them, then ask them an open ended question like where did they find that great looking outfit.
- Finesse Your Flirting – If you are chatting or texting with a couple, you need to really thread a fine needle. You want to show you are interested not aloof so some light flirting really helps. You also don’t want to be seen as a creepy stalker so don’t bury them with too many messages or get too graphic. Follow their lead and let them set the tone of the flirting. You are going to have to pay close attention to what they say or do and what they don’t say or do. If they agree to swap pictures with you, start slow and classy. Remember you aren’t desperate, and you are going to follow their lead. Don’t let your hormones sabotage this.
- Move Richard’s Portrait Behind The Velvet Rope – We’re sure you look amazing down below & are god’s blessed gift to all of us but never, ever send an unsolicited picture of your Mr. Richard to anyone. Be smart and have a good picture ready but keep it locked up. Remind yourself that your body down below is so special that others can only see it if they explicitly ask to see it. You have a great smile & body, so lead with pictures of them. If they ask for sexy pictures, send them hot pictures of you in your fancy new underwear or swimsuit that looks amazing but not your portrait of Mr. Richard. Only send that picture when it is explicitly requested and never before then unless you want to greatly increase the odds of your message being immediately deleted and you being ghosted.
- Graciously Accept No – People tend to think of rejection in a negative way but focus on the positive aspect of it. It is great when a couple rejects you because you can stop wasting time chasing after them. Single men tend to hear “no” more in swinging because they need to win the approval of two people instead of just one person like if they were at a singles bar. That’s OK. Showing you are mature and can handle rejection can impress the rejecting couple to refer you to their friends that might be a good match for you. Causing any drama or hounding couples is a quick way to build up a bad reputation that you might never be able to remove.
- Set Low Expectations – Swinging is not prostitution. Avoid coming across entitled; don’t expect sex. Think of it only as a possible bonus. Many times swinging is more about having a fun & friendly time. Couples often attend lifestyle events and don’t have sex with anyone because they don’t find the right connection but they are still happy and you could be too. You’ve spent more money at vanilla clubs and they were never as sexy as a lifestyle event so focus on enjoying the party rather than expecting anything specific will happen. Being happy yourself is a great way of attracting other people looking for fun. Remember that acting like Oscar the Grouch isn’t sexy.
- Clean-Up When Hosting – If you are hosting a couple at your place, clean it up or hire someone to do it that day. You want fresh sheets on the bed, everything dirty put away, kitchen and bathroom cleaned up so your place looks and smells nice. Layout some fresh towels. We aren’t saying something will definitely happen but we are saying if your place smells funky (don’t be nose blind) or looks dirty, the odds of them staying around long enough to take off their clothes is very low. Seriously. Clean up that day or hire someone to do it for you.
- Check In With Them – If things are progressing nicely with her (or him), remember they are a team and you should check in with them both to make sure they both are still OK with everything. If one partner isn’t playing but is going to be in the bedroom, they might want to take the lead and direct your actions or control how fast things move along. If they want to act like a movie director, let them. Remember, they are sharing their teammate with you, so you want to show respect and demonstrate with your actions that you can be trusted to follow their playbook. Make sure to pay close attention to your new play partner (but still split your attention with their partner unless pretending you’re alone is part of the plan). If they say something doesn’t feel good, listen to them! If they suggest something, try to go with it. Pay attention to their body language if you aren’t sure, heck even if you are sure still pay attention to their body language to ensure everyone has a great time.
- Ask Before Touching – Don’t touch anyone without first gaining their explicit consent. ASK! You may not be a creep but too many creepy men have come before you. You don’t want to be mistaken for some jerk who feels entitled so make sure to ask before touching anyone. Asking first shows you can be respectful and trusted. Even if a woman initiates contact, that doesn’t mean you have permission to do whatever you want.
- Follow Their Cue Afterwards – Did you just have a hot time? Now is a good time to compliment them and thank them for inviting you in to share. It is also a good time to wonder when is the right time to leave. They might want some private time to reconnect themselves, so pay attention to any social cues they might drop. If something seems off or awkward, excuse yourself to grab more water so they can have a private moment to chat. Better to leave them wanting more of you and arrange a repeat performance than to over stay your welcome. A little trick here is to ask them to text you to let them know they arrived home OK. It shows you value them and selfishly helps you continue the connection after they leave making it more likely for a repeat performance.
- Politely Follow-Up – Did you have fun partying or doing even more with new friends? If you want to boost your chances of it happening again, drop them a short and polite note the next day. Compliment them again and say how much fun you had. Thank them for sharing their amazing relationship with you. If you are planning on RSVPing to a lifestyle event, you can share that with them so they know where they can find you next. Don’t write them a long love letter or send them multiple messages if they aren’t responding. You don’t want them to think you are clingy. To be safe, make sure they are both on the message so there is no chance of them thinking you are trying to meet one of them separately unless you have explicit permission from both of them.
- Ask For References – Most swinger dating sites have a system that allows users to leave a “verification” or “certification” reference for other profiles that they have met. Having good references from swinger couples will greatly help your online chances. It is very important to gain a few of them. So when you have a good date, don’t be afraid of politely asking your new friends if they could post a verification or certification on your profile.
Phew! That is a long list and of course everyone and each situation is different so don’t blindly follow it. You should adjust this to best match your own circumstances. When in doubt, try to think about how the man & woman in the other couple might feel about what you are doing. It is not easy starting in the swinging lifestyle as a single man but once you establish a good reputation for yourself, it can truly lead to unforgettable experiences. Good luck & happy swinging!