Unfortunately for whatever reason, some people feel the need to concern themselves with the sex life of others. If you are starting in the lifestyle, you should know those people unfortunately exist.
Yes, we still have a way to go yet but society as a whole has come on in leaps and bounds in the last few years. Thankfully, many people who have been outed or dared to speak about it on their own were pleasantly surprised by the reactions they got. From positive admiration to indifference, either way, the vast majority of swingers aren’t vilified as much anymore. You may be today’s gossip but that will be most likely forgotten when the next so-called scandal comes along.
There is of course still a minority of people who for outdated religious reasons, jealousy, close-mindedness, or just plain meanness will be less than complimentary toward the revelation that you and your partner are swingers.
The major concern for most people is that their families or people at their job will find out. Family can be a tough one because with parents you are often dealing with an older generation who may not be so liberal. Another big one is children who are liable to be teased by peers.
There is no single right way to handle such a potentially stressful situation. Here are some potential ways you can address it.
Take Back Control
One possible way to deal with being outed is to own it. You can take control and then say “so what?” No one whether it’s your family, friends, or nosey next-door neighbors should make you feel bad about what you choose to do with other consenting adults behind closed doors. Explain to yo family that this is how you want to live and it’s what works for your relationship and makes you happy. If you get a negative response there is no need to defend yourself or say any more than that. If they have a problem with that then that’s what it is, their problem. Don’t get drawn into an argument to justify yourself. Hopefully, after they have time to think, they will come around to the idea. Your happiness should be your number one priority.
Possibly they will surprise you and be accepting or at the least receptive in which case you may be inclined to talk about it more. Reassure them that you are safe and clear up any misconceptions they may have. Sometimes in particular with friends, you may find you get a fascinated reaction and get more curious questions than anything else. You may feel OK about answering them but you can always choose to keep the details to yourself too.
Here are some additional steps to help you take back the control:
- Privately talk with your loved ones – Reach out to the important people in your life and have a private conversation so you can share your feelings and perspective. Hopefully, you will be able to have this conversation before they hear the news from other people so you can be the one to share your news with them. Regardless, let them know how important their love and support is to you. This will give them the opportunity to be an ally for you in your time of need.
- Come out in your own way – Someone may have already spread information about you but you can still reclaim the narrative. You can make a post on social media or write up an email. Then send it out for others to hear your story and come out as a swinger on your terms. Your announcement can dispel any inaccuracies or lies. You can also discuss how your privacy has been breached to remind people how you are a victim in this situation.
- Stay busy with positive projects – Being outed can be very stressful. Having some productive distractions can help. If certain places become toxic, avoid them but don’t shut yourself inside. Do the things that make you happy and feel confident about yourself. You can volunteer and help others to feel better. Staying busy is also a good way to make new friends replace any friends who are found to be toxic or judgmental.
- Ask for help – It is OK to not be OK. Be smart, realize when things are too much and you need a helping hand. Maybe you need a professional therapist to talk about your feelings or maybe you need help at home or work while you are juggling this distraction. Maybe you simply need some private encouragement from your swinger friends. Developing a team of helpers can get you back on track. Remember the swinging community loves to support each other, so don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Protect Your Children
In regards to children, if they are very young it probably won’t be an issue but for older children, it can be an issue. Their friends might overhear their parents gossiping or wondering why they aren’t allowed to play together anymore. Pay careful attention to them and consider preemptively talking with them so they aren’t surprised.
A lot of kids will need to be reassured that just because you are part of the lifestyle it does not mean you love each other any less or considering leaving each other. Make sure to give them plenty of reassurances and let them voice any questions or concerns so you can better support them in this potentially confusing period.
Generally, kids will not want to hear anything about their parents’ icky sex life. If that’s the case just be discreet around them. Keep the discussions to general details and always reinforce how much you love each other and them.
Of course, it’s easy to say own it but the reality is that not everyone will feel comfortable with that option. It’s fine to tell people to mind their own business too. You are under no obligation to talk to anyone about your private life. Anyone asking in the first place should be prepared to get that response. As much as you don’t confront them about what they get up to in the bedroom the same should apply to you, swinger or not. It can be the case that people will out you or act shocked because they are jealous. A lot of people who secretly love the idea of swinging and polyamory aren’t brave enough to explore it or their partner would never agree so they take out their resentment in this way.
Work Issues
As far as work is concerned it is important to remember that in most places you can not be fired for being a swinger. Your sex life has nothing to do with your employer nor should it affect your capacity to work. Discrimination against you in the workplace as a result of being outed should be reported to HR and can be potentially followed up with legal action. Unfortunately, even if your local laws might be on your side (speak with a lawyer) that doesn’t mean employers and co-workers can’t come up with creative ways to make your work life uncomfortable.
Document everything and always remain professional even if others might not be professional. You don’t want to endanger your long term reputation over short term frustrations. It is not fair, but too often it is the reality.
If you are your own boss and are afraid your business will be affected again the answer is yes it could be. You may lose some customers but overall it will probably be a minority. Of course which country you live in and whether or not it’s a small town or a big city will play a part too.
Potential Deniability
How you deal with being outed will also depend largely on how you were found out. If you are seen at a club or a party keep in mind that whoever outed you would need to also have been there, so you can turn it back on them. If you were found out online, it can be a little bit harder especially if there are pictures that identify you. You can still say it’s someone else using your photos or if the images aren’t clear, you can simply deny it.
If only one of you has been discovered, you might consider claiming it was an affair. If you do this, you should realize an unbalanced burden will be placed on one of you. Think carefully about it before choosing this option.
It is up to you to figure out if denying it or owning it, is best for your situation. Make sure to reflect on your family, work, and any other important considerations you are facing. We are all in different situations, so we will all need to figure out what is best for each of us.
Avoid Exposing Others
Everyone reacts differently in these situations but do try your best to avoid outing someone else or seeking similar revenge if you were outed by another swinger. Chances are if they continue to be flippant about other people’s privacy they won’t make many friends either way. If other swingers’ safety or privacy is at risk, you can talk with relevant people about the person you are concerned about to help them protect themselves.
If you are facing a severe case of being outed, remember that anyone that tries to blackmail you or ruin your career might be guilty of local privacy and criminal laws. Depending on how low they go, you may want to report them to the police. You don’t have to let anyone bully you because of your lifestyle.
Educating Others
It might not seem like a fun thing but you are likely going to have to spend a good bit of effort educating others about consensual non-monogamy and dispelling the myths about swinging. The more you educate others, the better they can understand you and have less fear about the situation. Realizing that consensual non-monogamy requires you and your partner to love and trust each other enough will help reassure people you aren’t as different from them as they might have thought.
Don’t be surprised if several vanilla friends start asking you for advice on how they can also start swinging. If this happens, feel free to educate them but don’t play with them. The situation is already confusing and stressful. You don’t want to further complicate the matters having sex with an inexperienced couple that might not have as strong a relationship as your amazing connection.
Ultimately the best way to deal with being outed is to not care or better yet do it yourself before they can. Not everyone is this confident or willing to share such intimate details about their sex life but you should try and work on not feeling shame for pursuing and partaking in the sex you like. If you can get to a place of self-acceptance and compassion then it can never be used against you and what’s more, you can relax and enjoy nightclubs and parties without worrying who you might bump in to.
The two most important people whose opinions matter are you and your partners. That is who you go home to every night after all. The opinion of anyone who isn’t a part of your relationship shouldn’t matter. They are not the ones you are having sex with which is probably why they have ended up so bitter!