Swinging is becoming more and more popular. Sheer curiosity, the desire to spice up sex lives, or the excitement of doing something “forbidden” are just a few reasons driving many couples of all ages to clubs or private houses where they can swap partners for sexual play time. Swinging does not come without challenges and people who have tried the swinging lifestyle know this very well. You may experience a cornucopia of intense feelings, pleasant or difficult, which can get very difficult to handle. Guilt is one particular feeling that you may find yourself experiencing when swapping partners.
Where does swinger’s guilt come from?
Swapping partners is still placed outside any social norm, moral code and is a liberal behavior which contradicts most traditional notions of love and relationships. Guilt on the other hand appears as a signal that we are doing something wrong. It is not difficult to imagine from here the many different reasons for feeling guilty or jealous when swinging.
Society has taught us about lifelong partnerships, based on monogamy, fidelity, and devotion. This difference between what society promotes and what people are doing when swapping sex partners creates an emotional conflict, which can leads to some people questioning their character and morals.
At the same time, having sex with someone who is not your stable partner is labeled as cheating by society. This narrative can generate guilty feelings, especially in swinging women, even if your partner consents and is supportive of the behavior.
There is another possible narrative in which being non-monogamous means your partner cannot fully respond to your needs. We are not saying this is true or accurate but some people can have types of thoughts. Feelings of swinger insecurity and doubt can led to guilt arising if you think you might be hurting your partner and your relationship.
Even though swinging comes as a way of freely exploring and expressing natural desires, many swingers do have difficulties in handling guilt at some point of their journey.
10 Tips on handling guilt when swapping
Whether you’re already swinging or considering it, guilt should not stop you from having a great experience. Consider the following tips for efficiently handling your guilty feelings in the swinging lifestyle:
- Talk about it before. The best way to prevent feelings of guilt is to make sure that both of you want to swap. Talk to your partner, share your desires and fantasies, check if they are keen on doing it, what drives them to it, and what are their specific fantasies. It’s always better when you do it together and there’s excitement on both sides.
- Don’t pressure and don’t give in to pressure. Never accept to swap only to please your partner. Be honest and respect yourself and your partner. Everybody has the right to decide what they want to do with their own body and set their own boundaries. Also, everybody has their own way of being in a relationship or experimenting with sex. Discuss your boundaries and establish ground rules for the swapping experience to prevent any emotional damage.
- Talk about it after. It’s common to experience guilt from a feeling of cheating on your partner, even when your partner doesn’t feel cheated on. This results from misinterpretations shaped by social expectations. Talking about it with your partner after swapping provides constant feedback and reality checks so you can challenge your guilty feelings when they appear. Share your doubts and have patience in finding a balance.
- Talk again. Some people want to make swinging a lifestyle, others just want to try swapping once as an experience. Don’t assume anything and give yourself and your partner the right to test it and change your minds afterwards. Check with your partner after the first experiences and bring the subject on the table every once in a while, with empathy, honesty and support from both sides. What do you both think about it after trying it? What did you enjoy and what didn’t you? Would you do it again?
- Check your guilt signals. Guilt usually indicates misbehavior and is guided by social and cultural standards. Although some guilt is good, motivating us to consider the feelings of others, a lot of it is not justified. Wanting to experience sex with a person who is different from your partner, or simply being curious about different sexual dynamics does not harm anybody (as long as those involved are fully capable, consenting adults). When you detect guilt, take a step back and check if there is actual harm involved. Then take a few minutes to remind yourself that you have the right to freely explore your sexual desires.
- Don’t ignore it. Many people participating in swapping deny being swingers, out of shame. However, denying it can feed the shame, acting as a confirmation that you are doing something wrong and should hide it. Instead, talk about it to people you feel safe with. Start with your partner, then with people you meet when swapping, and finally with your close non-swinger friends if you feel comfortable. The more you open up, the more you can defuse negative emotions.
- Build a support network that shares your values. Make friends in the swinging community and talk to them about the swinging lifestyle. It is important to normalize the behavior and learn to talk about it just the way you would talk about walking in the park. When we feel guilty, we need reassurance that we are not horrible human beings. Talking to others who share the same experiences can be very comforting in this direction.
- Go online for support. Swinging is becoming more and more popular, but because it’s still stigmatized, you may find it difficult to talk about it with friends or find other couples who are outspoken about it. Worry not, the internet is great and every where. There are many swinger forums which provide a safe space to voice your concerns and ask for support without revealing your identity.
- Talk to a mental health professional. Therapists can best support you in understanding if your feelings of guilt are justified or not and how to cope with them in either case. If you try to find one in your area seek out professionals with additional experience handling sexuality and relationship issues. Ask about their position of being sex-positive. All professional should be open-minded about swinging and other relationship practices but some professionals unfortunately let their own personal opinions and religious beliefs color their guidance. Here are more tips for finding relationship therapists.
- Get your values straight. Especially when making unconventional life choices such as swapping partners, it is worth spending some time to develop your own system of values and beliefs. Becoming more certain of what you want protects you from external judgment and opinions. This doesn’t mean that you have to predict the future and tell for sure that you will be a swinger your whole life. However, you may decide that you are curious about this lifestyle now and want to try it for a while. Or that you want to try it just once so you can tell a story to your friends. Any decision you make is okay, as long as you can own it.
You may experience many difficult feelings when deciding to try swapping but this is not necessarily an indication that you should give up. With taking appropriate and timely measures to manage guilt, the experience of swinging will just bring you closer to your partner and enrich your sexual dynamics.