You’ve gone on a date and you feel fantastic. You don’t even remember why you were so nervous to meet them. It was everything you hoped it would be and you can’t wait to see them again. Now all you have to do is follow up. Oh, wait. That’s right – you have to follow up.
How do you do that? Should you do it right away? Should you thank them for the date? Why do you have to go first? Maybe you should wait for them to reach out? If you do contact them first, how long should you wait to avoid seeming desperate and clingy? But how long is too long before it looks like you aren’t that keen at all? There it is. Here comes the anxiety.
Okay, don’t stress out. Following up -whether the date was good or bad- can be nerve-wracking. It doesn’t have to be though. You are probably overthinking it. But before you follow up with the other couple, there is someone closer to home you need to check in on.
First Check-In
The very first person you need to be following up with is your partner. Reconnect with your partner after every swinger date. You might have thought the date went well but your partner had a completely different experience. Before deciding to meet your new friends again, make sure your partner feels the same. If it turns out your partner didn’t enjoy the date like you did, don’t get in a huff over it. Respect their decision and talk about what he/she didn’t like and why. It will help with selecting a new couple for next time.
Before getting back in touch with the other couple, have a chat about boundaries with your partner so you can let your new friends know in advance if there any new limits or restrictions to discuss.
So now you have checked in with each other and, as luck may have it, your partner feels the same and wants to meet up with them again too. So how do you go about it? It’s nice to send a quick thank you message.
Just something short and sweet telling them you had a great time with them and thanking them for their company is all that is necessary. This is a good move because it will give you an idea if they felt the same and it now also puts the ball in their court. They may see confirmation of you having enjoyed your time with them as an opportunity to ask you out again or without setting a date say something along the lines of “us too, let’s meet again soon.” This will make the next interaction less awkward.
When To Do It?
What about the length of time you should leave before getting in touch? There are so many conflicting opinions on this. Depending on who you ask, you are going to hear so many different answers. Some people think it’s fine to message straight away or the day after, others say to wait at least a few days. Then some people refuse to initiate the first conversation afterward even if they had an amazing time.
All of this is just going to get you into a pattern of playing mind games that will take any fun out of the texting/messaging phase of your connection. The answer is there is no single right answer. Go with how you feel. After all, you are presenting these people with what hopefully is an authentic version of you and your partner.
Chat about it and if you do want to text back the very next day to propose a fun date idea then do it. If you want to wait a couple of days, do that too. Don’t overthink how any scenario makes you look, just go with what feels most natural to you. Send off the message and forget about it. Don’t spend every waking hour checking your phone for a reply and fretting if you aren’t getting one. If the couple doesn’t respond positively because you weren’t in touch quickly enough to make them feel special or you texted too quickly for their liking, then maybe you aren’t as compatible as you thought.
If you are the type of couple who prefers to wait for the other couple to get in touch first, that’s fine too. But waiting to hear from them gives you zero control over the timing. If waiting it out is going to have you stressing and checking your messages all day though, it’s probably better just to bite the bullet so at the very least you will know where you stand.
What to Say?
There is no standard script for a follow-up message. Something along the lines of “we had a great time with you guys and would love to meet up again” is nice in its simplicity. “We still have huge grins on our faces” or “How about you teach me that special trick of yours next time?” adds a little lifestyle flirting to your thank you note.
If there was no sex play during your initial meeting and you are too shy to come right out and say that you are hoping to get physical next time, just drop a few hints. Suggesting your place or theirs for a next date is a pretty big clue you want to have sex whereas suggesting a meeting at the bowling alley leaves a lot open for interpretation. (Great that you’re looking to score, but are strikes good or bad? 🙂
Do try and remember that the lifestyle attracts people from all different backgrounds and circumstances. Your schedule may be flexible next weekend but theirs probably isn’t. They may have children they need to find sitters for, demanding jobs, or a bunch of other things that keep them busy. Don’t assume them not being available right away is a sign of disinterest.
Following Up after Bad Dates
Suppose you didn’t have a good time though. It’s very common that the dynamics just don’t work out well enough for a second date, especially considering there are four people that need to click rather than just two. What then? One option is to send a generic “thanks for last night” message and hope that they get the hint since you left out any mention of meeting them again.
Subtlety is not everyone’s strong suit. You may think you sent a polite brush off only to receive a reply gushing with enthusiasm for another date ASAP. Whether you had sex or not, you are not obligated to see them again or explain yourself, though it is pretty rude to just ignore a polite follow up they might send you.
To provide some closure, you can always decline an invitation to meet again with something like, “We’re really flattered but the four-way connection wasn’t as strong as we hoped it would be”. When going for an honest approach, remember it is better to be gentle. Unless they were horribly rude swingers, avoid being overly blunt about what you perceive as their shortcomings.
It may also happen that you are the couple getting rejected. Don’t be upset if they don’t respond or reply that they aren’t interested in seeing you again. It’s not the end of the world, and it certainly does not need to be the end of your lifestyle adventure. There are plenty more fish in the sea and tons of other couples online so don’t worry about the odd bad date when there are so many more good ones to be had in your immediate future. Check out this article on swinger rejections for more on this topic.
Online Reviews
Some swinger dating websites allow users to leave both positive and negative feedback. Leaving positive feedback for anyone that you had a good time with, even if they didn’t rock your world, can be helpful. This is especially true if the couple you met up with is new to the lifestyle and/or dating site and their profile hasn’t been “verified” by experienced users. Lots of other swingers who may get on better with them will appreciate knowing their profile isn’t a fake and that they are actual people.
We think it is generally best to avoid leaving negative reviews if your personalities just clashed or you didn’t find them attractive. If there were huge red flags and they didn’t respect your boundaries or you feel concerned for other people’s safety, it may be appropriate to speak up. You can reach out to party organizers or the dating site admin about your concerns.