We love the swinging lifestyle, but it is unfortunately not a perfect situation. It can never be perfect because it is made up of real people, and real people are not perfect. Most lifestyle people are lovely and very friendly, but as IRL there are also some nasty, rude people and some downright bullies. Hopefully, you never encounter these “bad apples” but we have some tips to help you navigate this unfortunate scenario just in case you may one day need them.
Think Twice, Before Acting Once
Before we dive into this topic, we would like to remind everyone to take a moment and reflect on it. When sex and relationships are involved, passions can run high. When that happens things can be taken out of context and be misunderstood.
Different people can have different feelings over the same situation. Someone might feel offended and deeply hurt being called a slut but the other person could have intended it as a compliment. They might be truly admiring how the other person has embraced their sexual freedom. Another common example of misunderstandings is when a couple feels ostracized at a club because no one talked to them all night. If that couple didn’t approach any other couples and acted like a shy wallflower it could be more a case of accidental self-isolation.
When in doubt, consider asking for a second opinion. You could post in a swinger forum to let other swingers share their perspectives. You could also ask, the other people involved to clarify. You could also sleep on it. Allowing your mind to reflect on a tricky situation can help you choose a better reaction.
Types of Bullying
This isn’t high school but there are still plenty of ways people bully others in the lifestyle. Here are some of the more common bullying experiences in the lifestyle…
Spreading Rumors – Some troublemakers might spread false information about you & some innocent swingers might accidentally repeat it. This can cause a big problem as the swinging community is much smaller than the vanilla world so a few rumors could can poison the local swinging scene.
Ignoring/Silent Treatment – At the swinger clubs & parties, some bullies will form cliques and have everyone within the clique give the silent treatment to someone. It is not mature but unfortunately, it does happen.
Sarcasm – We all enjoy jokes but they can also be misused to hurt people. Bullies often aren’t brave enough for a direct confrontation so they tend to resort to passive-aggressive behaviors like dropping hurtful sarcastic comments and other offensive comments.
Cyberbullying – If you belong to online forums, they can create different accounts to troll you online. A single bully could create multiple accounts to downvote your postings and leave nasty comments. Thankfully the more popular swinger sites are moderated to fight against this abuse.
Outing You – This is an extreme form and thankfully not common but it has happened. A lifestyle bully can copy your online profile and then anonymously send it to your vanilla family & friends to cause you trouble. It is very rare but we mention it to remind you of the risks if the bullying situation goes bad. Being mature and helping to de-escalate isn’t sexy but it tends to be the wiser and safer option.
Some people that act like bullies do not maliciously intend it and others do it because of an innocent misunderstanding. This is why we are big fans of trying to talk about negative experiences in the lifestyle. Often some mature conversations can resolve a potential bullying situation and let everyone get back to happier priorities. Before you talk with them, prepare yourself with specific examples and suggested resolutions that you can share with them.
When you feel comfortable, approach the bully in a private setting. Remember your objective is to create a peaceful and enjoyable environment. Don’t distract yourself with revenge attempts or trying to embarrass others. In a mud-slinging fight, usually, everyone ends up messy & hurt. A private setting will help remove distractions and allow you both to communicate openly. Private does not mean you have to be alone or isolated. You can invite a third party to join as a mediator.
Remember you are entitled to your feelings. As you explain them to the other person, be careful to remain calm. If you find yourself becoming upset, take some deep breaths, and feel free to pause for a moment to let you regain your calmness. As you share your feelings, you might trigger the other person to have some feelings and they might become defensive. This is another reason why you should be careful to remain calm so they are less likely to feel attacked by you. We want the focus to be on clear communication.
If you are having feeling comfortable meeting them, then consider writing them a message. This will allow you to communicate how you feel and explain why you are hurt. Email is usually a better option than texting if you go this route. Text messages tend to be too short which can create even more misunderstandings. Texting can also turn into an overheated rapid-fire exchange without proper thought going into them. If you feel yourself becoming too emotional or angry, step back from the keyboard. Be careful to remain mature in your attempt to de-escalate.
How To Overcome Bullying
If you can’t talk it out with your lifestyle bullies and come to a ceasefire, you have different options to protect yourself. Remember you have the right to a happy life and to be separated from these hateful bullies.
Reach out to party organizers – Good organizers don’t want troublemakers, so if you have a valid issue they will want to hear about it.
Switch Clubs/Parties – If you have multiple clubs or parties in your area, simply skip the ones where the troublemakers attend. You may feel like this is letting them win but this is more about not forcing yourself into a losing situation. Who wants to be spending time with people that suck? Wouldn’t life be more fun without those negative sources?
Move Online – If you don’t have other clubs, then switch your focus to online swinger sites. You can connect with other swingers especially the newer swingers who haven’t been touched by any swinger cliques.
Share Your Experience – While there are always some “bad apples” in life, most people are good and help others. Don’t suffer in silence. Speak up and share your story to allow other people to help and support you. You can start with a trustworthy friend or a welcoming online swinger forum.
Don’t Fuel Them – Some bullies are motivated by trying to get you to react to them. A good defense against these bullies is to simply ignore them and not react. Starve them of the attention they are seeking and this type of bully will often shrivel up.