Having a nonmonogamous relationship like hotwifing might seem like it’s all about removing rules, but that is not actually the case. Hotwifing usually adds more guidelines as you better define & customize your relationship to fit your unique situation best. So how do you figure out what rules and boundaries are right for you to have the most fun while still protecting your relationship?
That is not an easy question to answer, so we put together a few tips to help you get started. Think of them less as restrictive or hard & fast rules but more as hotwifing safety guide rails. The better you both communicate and share your preferences, the better chance your relationship can stay drama-free. Here is a rundown of the most common hotwifing rules, so you can figure out what is best for you & your relationship.
Updating Each Other
You may both feel comfortable with this hotwifing arrangement right now, but what about tomorrow, next week, or next year? Arranging a regular check-in is essential. Figure out what timeframe works best for your schedule. How are you going to check? Is it a private moment together, or can it be text messages whenever the need arises? Best not to assume and give yourselves as much clarity as possible to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
There is also a safety aspect of keeping each other up to date. It would be best if you decided together when you will share information with your partner. Is it when you start flirting online with a person to give them a chance to veto connections they aren’t comfortable with? Is it about specific date details or locations? Do you want to establish set intervals of checking in via text or call while on a hotwife date? Some couples prefer a don’t ask, don’t tell approach, but it is safer for the hotwife if her partner knows where she will be and with whom.
Communication With Others
When connecting with others outside of your relationship, what is allowed? Are there specific details that should remain private (like your home sex life, family details, etc.)? Are there particular words or phrases on the unmentionable list (like “I love you,” secret pet names, etc.)? Are there certain times or days reserved for yourselves (no texting after midnight, or no chatting on Sundays, etc.)? How frequent is too frequent? You don’t need to worry about being perfectly precise, but you should ensure that both of you share an understanding and then share it with your casual partners. You don’t want an overzealous LS partner to accidentally create stress on your lovely relationship by breaking a rule he never knew exists. Be smart and make sure you keep the communication within the zone that is fun for everyone.
A significant difference between cheating and ethical non-monogamy like hotwifing is that both partners are aware of & consent to the sex outside of the marriage. You can handle vetos in many different ways. You can agree to a carte blanche pass to do anything the hotwife wants – and conditions under which a partner can revoke that pass. Or you can decide to deal with it with a case-by-case approach when you both assume anyone is allowed until the partner actively exercises their veto option. If you want to start slower, you could consider all potential play partners vetoed until the partner gives the green light for a specific person (more of a temporary hall pass situation).
Play Menu Options
Can the hotwife do anything on her date, or are certain things off-limits? Are condoms mandatory for everything or only certain activities? Some couples like to reserve certain sex acts or positions for their own lovemaking (like kissing, anal, etc.). You can’t be too specific about the play options. Some people are okay with oral sex but aren’t comfortable with swallowing, so pay attention to the small details.
The timing of play can also be something to discuss with your partner. Can there be playing on the first date, or should it wait till you know him better? Can dates be at any time, or is there a specific window or curfew? How about repeating? Is it allowable, or perhaps you want a minimum waiting period between repeat dates?
Other people are uncomfortable about potential safety issues with particular fetishes (like BDSM, certain roleplaying, etc.) and put them off-limits for hotwife dates. If you are unsure about something, it is better to keep it off-limits. You can always ease up the restrictions in the future as you become closer and build trust with certain play partners.
Kiss & Tell
After a date or a hot round of sexting, are you going to share the dirty details? Some people find it hot to relive & others find it upsetting to hear about something they didn’t experience. Is it going to be only an oral retelling, or will you take pictures or videos? Will you keep your mobile phone on to video stream the encounter or have your partner listen along via speakerphone?
We all feel differently, so figure what works best for your relationship. Do you agree to take pictures of your encounters, or should you not keep a scrapbook?
How are you going to reconnect after the hotwife date? Is it essential to have sex that same night, or do you want to agree to an intimate massage or bubble bath the next day? Do you need a physical, mental, or balanced reconnection? The correct answer is whatever works for the two of you. Think about what you both need to ensure your relationship remains in that healthy & happy spot.
Not everyone shares the same principles, including people married to each other. So talk about how you will handle different situations. How will you vet potential play partners to ensure they aren’t cheating? If you find out a play partner is a cheater, do you continue or kick them out? If the play partner asks personal questions, do you refuse to answer, lie, or tell the truth? Are you going to insist on STI test results, take their word, or not ask about it?
What, if anything, will be on your banned list? Can the hotwife play with another man in their main bed at home, or should it be kept in the guest room, at a hotel, or the other man’s place? Are you committed to protecting your privacy by not playing within a particular geographical area or never sending out nude pics? What about sleepovers or even cuddling afterward? Allowed or banned? What about before playtime, can there be a private dinner, or is that too romantic? If things become too friendly, is that a deal-breaker to avoid potential romantic pitfalls? Think about what might make you feel uncomfortable & skip the drama by putting it on your restricted list.
Don’t assume anything as you figure out your nonmonogamous rules. The more details you both provide, the better you will protect yourself from painful misunderstandings.
It might also be helpful to write down the rules. Putting them on paper doesn’t mean you are locked into the rules, as they should constantly be evolving to reflect you & your partner’s wishes. Writing them down helps avoid mistakes caused by forgetfulness and clears up potential confusion.
Words matter, but the spirit behind them matters even more. Don’t go seeking out technicalities to exploit a situation. Use these rules to guide you both, so you stay in your happy place. If you are unclear, ask before acting.
Feelings can be weird & tricky. Some of the most mundane things can trigger surprise reactions that can change over time. Regularly check in with each other and continually adjust your rules to work best for you and your relationship. Happy Hotwifing!