When you venture out into the real-life swinging lifestyle, it can be a bit hard staying in sync with your special someone. You will be meeting plenty of new people and encountering plenty of first-time experiences. So there is a good chance one of you might not always feel comfortable or happy. Most swingers don’t want to blurt their true feeling out loud for others to hear. So how does a couple stay connected? This is where secret swinger codes & signs come to the rescue.
These are the subtle ways a couple can communicate privately with each other while they are surrounded by other people without exposing their feelings to everyone in the room. Many swinger couples like to have a few signals and/or codewords to indicate different things like “I’m happy, let’s proceed” or “I’m not comfortable, want to leave ASAP.” Secret signals are a great way couples can communicate at all times and make swinging experiences happy & fun rather than confusing and awkward.
In general, you want to pick things that will be completely obvious to you but not noticeable to others. You want to make your signals super simple and easy to remember because if you can’t remember them, they aren’t really useful. Make sure to talk this over with your partner and agree on what you both want to use. It is very smart to remind yourselves the signals and codes are before each date, party, or swinger club visit. Here are some examples that you can use or modify to your own preferences.
What to Communicate
Here are four common types of messages swinging couples like to have a secret way to communicate – 1) All good, open to play, 2) Unhappy, want to leave, 3) Indifferent, up to you, 4) Happy, not ready yet for physical fun.
You can pick other messages to assign secret codes & signals but it makes it harder and more likely that miscommunication will happen. What else would you want to communicate? 5) You’re getting drunk, stop the alcohol, 6) You’re talking too loud, vanilla people are listening in. Honestly, it is wiser to use fewer messages. Keeping it simple and easy makes it is less likely for a mistake to happen. You don’t want to be arguing over mistaken signals when reconnecting after swinging.
Asking for a drink you hate – For example, if you never drink beer and you ask your significant other to order you a beer at the bar, that could be a great way to communicate that you do not feel a connection and would like to make a graceful exit. You could assign different sexy drinks to mean different things. For example, asking for “tequila shots” could be a way to secretly communicate with your partner that you are happy & open to playing with your new swinger friends.
Cities/Places – You could assign different cities to mean different secret messages. Have you ever had a horrible trip like an 8-hour airport delay in Detroit? “Detroit” could be your code that it’s bad and you need to bail ASAP. Mentioning “Sydney” could be your secret message that you are open to going Down Under & playing with them. This works best when you pick less popular cities that aren’t likely to pop-up in regular conversations so you won’t accidentally use your secret city codeword when you aren’t intending to use it. Since swingers often talk about visiting Desire Resorts or Hedo, best not to pick those places.
People – We all have people who we love & find sexy and other people who are headaches in our lives. You can pick people and assign them different meanings. Preferably the people you pick do not have common names so you won’t accidentally mention your secret person code at the wrong time. For example, you might repurpose your boss named Edmund to be the secret code for “unhappy, need to bail out”. Maybe you have a crush on a celebrity like Kate Hudson, so mentioning Kate Hudson being in a new movie could be your secret way to signal “all good, ready to play”.
Food – You both know the foods and flavors that you love and hate so it could be easy for you to remember their secret meanings. Maybe you love cherries, so asking for “cherry vodka” or talking about your favorite cherry dessert at the restaurant could be how you secretly communicate “all happy, ready to play”. Maybe you hate tomatoes so asking for a Bloody Mary drink or mentioning how some wall color looks like a ripe tomato could be your secret way of saying “no thanks, let’s leave now”.
Appointment Times – This little trick allows you to rate the moment on a scale of 1-10. When talking with your partner, you can remind them that some upcoming appointment was moved to 1 pm to signal “unhappy, need to leave asap” or you could say it’s at 9 am aka “having an awesome time”. You can call it an appointment or when the babysitter needs to leave or whatever you like to have an excuse to mention a time. This also gives your partner a chance to respond with how they feel. When you mention your appointment time, they could respond that they thought the appointment was moved to 3 pm to signal “not having fun but can linger”.
If it’s super loud or the couple you just met won’t stop talking & you’re not able to work any codewords into the conversation, some visual or physical signals could become communication lifesavers.
Rings/Jewelry – This can be a good way to visually signal to your partner different messages. Taking off your wedding ring and putting it on the other hand could mean “happy & ready to swap”. If you leave the ring on your finger but keep spinning it around, that could mean you are “not happy and want to leave”. Bracelets and cocktail rings also work well. Just make sure whatever you pick is easy for your partner to notice.
Pinching/Scratching – This is a great way to signal your intentions because it is more likely to grab your special someone’s attention. Pinching the back of your partner wouldn’t be noticed by the other couple but would be easily felt by your partner to signal you want out of the situation. Lightly scratching their arm or hand could be how you signal the opposite – that it’s all good. (Besides, it’s always nice to have an excuse to touch each other.)
Rubbing – Soft petting or rubbing is another tactile signal that is easy to fly under the radar and not be noticed by others. You could rub your partner’s back. Swiping across from shoulder to shoulder is like shaking your head and could be how you secretly say no. Rubbing straight up & down their spine is like nodding your head so it could be how you secretly signal “yes, I like them”. This signal is not a good idea if you are in the habit of absentmindedly rubbing your partner’s back during casual conversations.
Special Gum/Candy – You could pack different breath mints or candy in your swinger play bag or purse. If you offer your partner a cinnamon breath mint that could be your secret way of saying “this is hot, let’s play” or if you offer a cool peppermint candy it could be your way to signal “no connection, let’s go home”.
Bathroom Texting – If the secret signals aren’t working, another option is to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. While in the bathroom, you could secretly text a message to your partner. This is a good way to discreetly communicate more detailed information. You could also take a more proactive approach and make up a story when you come back from the bathroom like saying the babysitter texted and your kid isn’t feeling well so you need to leave early.
Notice Their Body Language – You are probably good at reading your partner’s subtle body language so use those skills to help you figure out how they feel before they even try to signal you. Many couples find that the longer they are in the swinging lifestyle the more tuned in they become to each other. Be careful not to become too engrossed with your new friends so you can pay attention to your partner and read their subtle swinger body language signs.
Step Aside – It’s totally fine to just be honest and say you need a moment to step aside and check in with your partner. We are all adults, and we all understand that good swinging only happens when there is a four-way connection and everyone is physically up to playing. If there isn’t a four-way connection or someone has too much to drink or something else happens, there isn’t going to be sexy play. Most swinging couples are totally fine with you stepping aside for a private chat because while you are away it will give them a chance to have their own private check-in so it’s a win-win situation.