Having a third person join you and your partner in bed is the ultimate fantasy for many men and women. Many couples who consider themselves vanilla eagerly indulge in threesomes, or at least threesome fantasies. Some use threesomes as an initial step into the swinging lifestyle, while others don’t plan further explorations of non-monogamy.
No matter how incredible the fantasy has been, if the reality of a threesome is handled poorly, it can jeopardize your relationship. There are some key things to consider if you want it to go smoothly. So whether you are new to group sex or a well-seasoned pro, here are some threesome tips to make sure your ménage à trois is the stuff of pleasant dreams and not nightmares.
Decide Together
First of all, you need to talk about it with your partner. Is this something you both want, or is it something they are just going along with to make you happy? If it’s the latter, make sure they aren’t feeling pressured to please you. It’s one thing for your partner to try out one of your fantasies willingly. Still, it’s something else entirely if s/he thinks your relationship depends on going along regardless of comfort level.
Maybe they have no intrinsic desire for a threesome but are down to participate for your sake, which is fine. But if your partner is threatened or in any way put off by the idea, do not move forward. The same goes the other way around. Don’t get pushed into having a threesome when you are not comfortable with, and turned on by, the idea. Maybe it’s something to explore in the future, but it is not worth jeopardizing your relationship over.
If you are already in the lifestyle, your partner might be comfortable with you satisfying your threesome fantasy by being another couple’s third. If not, though, don’t push your relationship isn’t ready for a threesome.
Picking the Right Match
Okay, so we are over the awkward part, and your partner says they would love to have a threesome. The next step is talking about who to ask. Are you trying to find a unicorn and have two females in the bedroom? Two males?
If the threesome will involve another person of the same gender and you aren’t bi-curious, are you certain that you can deal with it? Can you watch your partner with someone else and not get jealous? Are you likely to compare your performance and physical appearance and how much attention each of you gets? What if the third is the opposite sex? Are you sure your partner won’t get envious, and will they be comfortable sharing?
Double Check Relationship Health
For a threesome to work, your relationship has to be strong, and you both need to be open with each other. If there is any type of jealousy already present in the relationship, then a threesome will most likely intensify this and lead to arguments.
If you are both secure enough in your relationship to move forward with a threesome, you need to decide on whether or not the third will be someone you know or someone you don’t.
Maybe you have a flirty friend who you both find attractive and who has been dropping hints about being interested in a little bed-sharing. It’s possible the build-up from all the flirting could be amazing, and knowing the other person may make you feel more comfortable and able to communicate.
If you are going with someone you know, make sure there are no feelings involved that could make things complicated. Do they know that it’s strictly for fun and sex? Will you still be able to view them as a friend when you have seen them naked? Will you worry from now on that your partner is secretly into them? Having a threesome with a friend can make things awkward. Be careful that you are not jeopardizing a good friendship for short-term sex. It will be hard to maintain a relationship if you are so weirded out that you can’t even look them in the eye again.
To keep things less personal, some couples prefer to go with a stranger. You may be lucky enough to snag a unicorn on a night out, but generally, in this type of arrangement, the third is found online. There are lots of sites dedicated solely to this purpose. Finding a third who is bisexual or bi-curious, single, and you both find attractive who isn’t being flooded with offers can be challenging. Hence, the unicorn nickname. Although that applies mostly to women, there is a high demand for single men too. You may feel disillusioned by how hard finding a third is at first, but perseverance will pay off in the end.
Screening Potential Partners
Make sure the person you agree on is someone you both find attractive. Even if you aren’t bi-curious, it’s always nice to have a pretty view. Some people are uncomfortable picking someone who they consider hotter than them. If someone isn’t feeling very secure, they might not want to see their partner rolling around with a super hot person either, so make sure the person you do settle on is the right match for both of you. Keep in mind that attractiveness is about a lot more than physical appearance. As the saying goes, personality goes a long way. Think about the kind of demeanor and experience level that will be the best for you and your partner.
Meet the new person somewhere for a drink first. It makes sense that once the arrangement has been made, you probably can’t wait to get down to business. But you should make sure your third is who they say they are, genuinely looks like their picture and that you have chemistry. You don’t want to ruin your first threesome by having it with someone who isn’t a good fit. Make sure that there is a good vibe between all three of you. Don’t feel like just because they showed up that you have to go through with it, especially if they misled you during online communications. Your comfort and the safety of your relationship should always be the priority.
Time For Steamy Fun
Hopefully, they do check out and you finally get them back to the room where all things steamy happen. It’s going to be exciting with this new hot person in the mix. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, but don’t forget to give each other attention still. Make sure everyone is in on the action. Don’t get too distracted with your shiny new person and accidentally ignore your partner. Make an extra effort to check in with each other and make them feel appreciated too.
It would be best if you talked about the dynamics beforehand. Are you comfortable with being intimate with someone of the same sex? Will your threesome be more of one person receiving all the attention, or do you want more of a take turns while the other person watches set up? Again this should be discussed in advance. No one is a mind reader. Make sure to communicate very well.
That brings us to the next point. Make sure that the third person is considered as well. Don’t treat them like disposable sex toys. While you will understandably be in awe of living out the fantasy you and your partner have talked about for ages, you should make an effort to check in with your third to make sure they are enjoying themselves and getting the most out of the experience as well. Think of it as good karma or paying it forward.
Following Up Afterwards
If after the threesome you all had a great time, do you want to see your third again? Know beforehand if this is strictly a one-off thing or if you might be open to a repeat. Are they simply partaking in a one-time fantasy, or are you looking for a regular hook-up or maybe even a poly situation? Talk to your third about this, so they don’t feel misled.
When it’s all over, talk to your partner about how you both felt about the experience. Don’t assume that because you had the best time or vice versa that your partner had the same experience. Talk about what you both liked and what you didn’t, and what you would do differently next time if you choose to do it again. Reassure each other that although they saw you hopefully enjoying yourself with someone else, that they are still your number one.
With all that said, don’t forget to enjoy yourself. Don’t be too busy with the details that you become too caught up in your head. This is your fantasy, and you have been brave enough to chase it. Make the most of it while you’re in the moment.