When you think of swinging, rules probably aren’t the first thing on your mind.
Still, there’s no swinging without them. Like in any other relationship, people get hurt when lines are crossed. Trust and safety are shaken, and it takes time to rebound and grow from the experience.
The process of recovery is not always easy. It requires commitment, patience, and effort. Here is some advice to help you recover from broken swinging rules.
Why Are the Rules So Important?
Swinging rules are basically a set of agreements on how swinging will work.
Each agreement is a promise between partners to behave in a way that respects their relationship. Swinging rules also acknowledge individual preferences and emotional comfort zones. Since there are no universal rules that apply to all swingers, it’s up to each couple to negotiate the swinging rules that match their expectations and needs.
Whichever rules are decided on, it’s important that both partners commit to playing by them.
Rules are there to provide a structure in which everyone feels safe to explore and play. Without them, people are likely to get hurt and disappointed with the experience. Swinging rules are not made to be broken.
Why Do People Break Rules?
The motivation behind rule-breaking can vary for each individual. Some people break the rules out of the need to be rebellious and push the boundaries. Others do so out of ignorance. Some people fail to check their understanding of the rule and take their own interpretation to be accurate. Other people drink too much and unintentionally break their swinging rules.
We cannot really know the reasoning behind the behavior is unless we communicate with each other and really dig deeper to understand it.
It’s important to consider whether there was an intention to break the rule. For example, if a person goes against the rule, knowing what the rule is, understanding its significance and the consequences of rule-breaking, we see the person as fully responsible for their behavior (which is why the transgression tends to be more hurtful). On the other hand, when a person breaks a rule without being fully aware of the rule, or if the rule itself is ambiguous, we are more likely to look past a mistake. The intention often makes a lot of difference. Also, it helps us understand the motivation behind rule-breaking.
It is important to notice that the intention to break the rules is not always intended to hurt a partner. Sometimes, rule-breaking can be the expression of a need that a partner was struggling to communicate.
What Are the Consequences of Rule Breaking?
Some rules carry a more significant personal value than others, which means that the consequences are also more hurtful for the individual and the relationship.
No matter the nature of transgression, trust suffers first.
When partners cannot rely on each other to play by the rules, they can no longer feel safe in the relationship.
Breaking swinging rules destabilizes our most intimate relationship. The way people respond to it depends not only on the rule but also the nature of the relationship and the personal meaning they attribute to the act of rule-breaking. Anger, jealousy, withdrawal, and sorrow are just some of the emotional responses to rule-breaking. How willing a person is to forgive the rule-breaking and move forward depends on many individual factors.
This is why the recovery takes time and effort, along with open and honest communication.
How to Recover From Rule-Breaking?
The path to recovery is unique for each couple, and it depends on the willingness of both partners to work through the consequences of breaking swinging rules. Here are some suggestions that can make this path a little smoother for both partners.
- No matter who broke the rule, start with yourself.
Before you do anything else, take the time to understand what this transgression means to you. How does the rule-breaking look from your perspective? How do you feel it came to this? It would be best if you started with self-reflection to better grasp your own role understanding of what happened and your emotional response.
When a rule is broken, our first instinct is usually to assign blame. However, when we start with accusations of guilt, we are more likely to think about punishment than solutions. It can be more productive if we think about our own readiness to work on mending the damage caused by the rule-breaking. Before you try to express yourself to your partner, it’s important that you become aware of what your needs are in this situation.
- Show your willingness to make things better
Recovering from rule-breaking can require significant effort and patience. Each partner’s willingness to work through the rule-breaking is important to rebounding from the unfortunate situation.
If a couple is to work through rule-breaking, both partners need to be on the same side – the side of their relationship. The premise of the healing process is that both partners are ready to invest in it. This is going to be a common ground to return to at the moments when you find each other standing on the opposing sides. The goal is to reconnect and find a resolution to a hurtful experience.
- Own Your Mistakes and Apologize
This is not about admitting guilt but acknowledging the effects of your behavior. If you are to work through the rule-breaking, a person who crossed the lines needs to take ownership of their mistake and apologize for the consequences of their behavior. This should come before any justification to make it easier for the other partner to hear the full story. Making it seem trivial, irrelevant, or “not really your fault” is likely to shut down communication.
- Communicate with honesty and listen to each other
Rule-breaking is usually an intense emotional experience, as it triggers issues around trust, communication, and commitment. The first step to rebuilding trust is openly communicating with each other. Though some things may be painful to say, such as “I feel like we’ve lost the passion” or, “now that you’ve crossed this line, I am afraid to trust you again,” it’s important to really let your partner know how you think and feel. No matter how difficult something is to hear, it’s important that you listen. When you listen, do not impatiently wait for your turn to reply. Instead, try to really step into their shoes to look at the situation from their perspective.
- Give each other a chance to vent emotions
Rule-breaking can leave us with a lot of mixed and strong emotions. It is vital that a person gets the chance to express these emotions without being told to tone them down. Seeing the full impact of rule-breaking comes in the moments when we let ourselves truly express how we feel. Be patient with each other’s feelings, especially when things may come across as hurtful or rude.
- Revisit the broken rule
Before you talk about how the breaking of the rule affected you, talk about the rule. Get on the same page around the behavior and the rules. Commonly, rule-breaking happens when a couple has a different understanding of what it assumes. In discussing the rule, a couple can find that the rule carries different emotional weights for each partner. Though it doesn’t justify the rule-breaking, the value a partner attaches to the rule can explain their reaction in or after breaking it. A couple may find that the rule was not detailed enough and that one partner assumed that a certain behavior falls under it.
- Discuss the future steps
How you get past this experience and rebuild trust, communication and connection are important questions that should be answered to move forward. It’s not enough that you have a shared understanding of what happened, but you need to discuss and agree on how to prevent similar things from happening. This may mean you renegotiate the rules or take a break from swinging to work on your challenges.
For more tips, check out this article about handling swinger fights and conflicts.
Be patient with each other. Swinging is not as easy as it may seem.
One step at a time.
Rule-breaking happens. The swinging lifestyle demands a strong and stable relationship, good communication skills, mutual trust, and commitment. How the experience affects a couple depends on how much the relationship is compromised by rule-breaking.
Sometimes, it is these unfortunate experiences that can lead to important conversations. They signal what’s wrong and invite us to rebuild the parts of the relationship that need our attention. Whether an experience makes or breaks us depends a lot on how we decide to approach it. When it is difficult, reflect on the good things you have enjoyed and remember you are both on the same side, working together to make your relationship the best it can be.