Sexual fantasies mirror our most intimate desires. Yet, most people keep them locked inside, never finding enough courage to explore them with their partner. The fear of rejection and judgement get in the way of opening up. We indulge in them secretly, while daydreaming of a chance to turn them into reality. As people learn to limit their sharing to what they think is acceptable, they deprive themselves and their partners from experiencing what possible.
The Benefits of Sharing Sex Fantasies
The thing is, sharing a sex fantasy is likely to be more intimate than bringing it to life. The act of sharing reinforces trust and connection, and therefore intimacy.
So, sharing is not so much about turning fantasy into reality (though that can be fun too!), as much as it is about inviting a partner into your world of the erotic. Most couples will report feeling more connected after sharing a fantasy or after having heard one. The interplay of vulnerability, understanding and acceptance allows the couple to feel that they are closer than ever.
Fantasies can freshen things up and allow a couple to consider alternative paths for exploring intimacy, sensuality, sexuality and connection. Just playing with the idea can contribute to arousal and spice things up in the bed.
Pretending not to have fantasies can be sexually constraining. Knowing that you can share fantasies and truly be heard can be the most arousing thing of all.
Self-judgement and The Fear of Opening Up
Our sexual mind is not constrained by the social rules we choose to live by. What excites us is not always politically correct, socially accepted or aligned with other roles we have in our lives. Most times, it is “the forbidden fruit” and secrecy in the sex fantasy that turns us on. All of those things that we shouldn’t do, but we nevertheless want to.
Our ability to hold both our social roles and our disobedient sexual mind, and take both as important and legitimate, determines how much self-judgement we’ll battle within.
In bringing up sex fantasies with our partner, we need to understand how much self-judgement we’ve inflicted upon ourselves. It is common that people hold back on sharing because sharing implies uncovering something “abnormal” about them. The thought of sharing sex fantasies usually strikes shame, fear and guilty feelings. Most people are afraid of opening up about them because they fear the reaction that may resemble their own. They fear judgement, because they think they deserve one.
It’s important to acknowledge the way we treat ourselves for having the sex fantasies and the way they affect our expectations around sharing them.
Our conversations are channelized by our expectations. Before sharing, it’s important to address own expectations that come with it, and to understand the criteria we use to judge the “results” of sharing. The easiest way to think about it is to start with the best and the worst case scenario, and then put all the rest of them on the line between.
You deserve to be honest with yourself and your partner, so you can live your life on your own terms. It doesn’t matter if you want to bring up the idea of swinging for the first time, exploring your bisexual curiosity, want to try BDSM or any other sexual desire, you deserve the freedom to explore. It can be very scary opening up about these desires but the freedom it can deliver is worth it.
How to start bringing up sex fantasies?
The most difficult part of sharing seems to be bringing up the topic of sex fantasies, which is why it’s useful to have a few ice-breakers up your sleeve to help you get the conversation started.
Conversation Starters
- “I read this article the other day…”
Referencing to something you read or heard about can be a good starting point of a discussion on the topic of fantasies. Bring up the argument that favors what you’re about to share. You may want to pace your sharing and check for their attention and willingness to hear you out.
- “I want to know more about what turns you on…”
Sharing sex fantasies does not have to start with you. You can be the one who facilitates sharing. Try to create an atmosphere of trust and acceptance in which they can feel comfortable sharing.
- “By the way, I had this hot dream last night…”
Talk about a fantasy as if it were something you dreamed about. Dreams are a safe haven for our mind to go wild and explore desires of whatever kind. It’s one of the least threatening ways to bring up a fantasy.
- “What did you think of the movie?”
Movies are a great conversation starter. If you watch a movie together, you can observe your partner’s reaction to more explicit scenes which illustrate your fantasy.
- “I wanted to share something with you for a long time, but I always feel super embarrassed to do so…”
“So please, bear with me and please, don’t judge.” Sharing your fantasy openly, admitting the awkwardness and shame that comes with it, can help a partner understand how much vulnerability surrounds this topic. It’s useful for your partner to know what kinds of reactions you’d prefer not to get.
- “What are the things you’d never try?”
It is good to know what are the lines your partner would never cross. Understanding the reasons for which those limitations are so impermeable may give you a lot of useful input. Bear in mind that they are likely to be scared by the thought of sharing their fantasies, too.
- “Remember that time when we…”
Reflecting on the experience in which you tried something new and it turned out well, is a good way to prime the conversation.
Playful Invites
A topic can be brought up by a sex game, a trip you take together or a fun activity you decide to do together.
- Fantasy Play Cards
Here’s a game you can play together. Both of you need to write sex fantasies on a stack of cards. You can mix them up and then take each one and discuss which pile you want to put them in, a fantasies to turn into reality or fantasies you want to keep as fantasies. You can talk about other categories if needed, such as: fantasies to consider turning into reality (in case an idea seems appealing but you are not ready for it just yet.)
- A Trip to a Sex Shop
It can be one of those things you do for fun and that turns into foreplay. Seeing what your partner is into may allow you to open up a topic of your own fantasies. Most of what you’d find in a sex shop allows you to make fantasies come to life.
- Sexting
Words excite our imagination and the imagination is the birthplace of fantasies. Though it’s not a direct path towards communicating a fantasy, it is a way to set the stage for it. Since it’s all in the realm of imaginary, you can slowly bring in the elements of your fantasy and check for your partner’s reaction. Pace your sharing to fit your level of comfort.
Sex Education
The more we know about the value of sharing fantasies, the more likely we are to be receptive towards hearing one.
- Attend a Workshop, Lecture or a Class
Are there any workshops on Intimacy and Sex you can sign up for together? They are a great way to battle ignorance and bring the topic of importance of sharing fantasies. The bigger swinger conventions offer a wide variety of these in case you can’t find a local opportunity or are afraid of attending locally.
- Watch or Talk about Porn
Pornography thrives on the fact that most people don’t get a chance to explore their fantasies. Discussing the available content and exploring together can serve as a path towards sharing some of your own fantasies. If you need a list of movies about swinging, check out our swinging in Hollywood list.
A few more suggestions on the topic…
Have in mind that your partner may need some time to process what you’ve shared.
You may need to be patient and allow them to get back to it.
And, don’t forget to practice some self-compassion.
It is okay to want to explore your fantasy. You are a sexual human being with desires that go beyond what you are experiencing now.
Opening up to your partner may be one of the scariest things you do and yet, turn out to be one of the most fruitful ones.
