All good things will eventually come to an end. This includes having fun in the swinging lifestyle. If you ever feel swinging is negatively impacting your relationship, work or it just isn’t fun anymore you should consider taking a break.
It is very common for people to take an indefinite break in the lifestyle. Maybe you want to focus on your personal romance and less on sex, maybe you want to get pregnant, or maybe life is just too busy. It doesn’t matter. You should do what is best for you, so don’t hesitate to take a step back from the lifestyle. If things change, you can always jump back into the lifestyle when it is good for you and your relationship.
More often when talking about breaking up in the lifestyle, it is with former play partners. If you enter the lifestyle, you will likely make many new friends. You might even grow quite close to some and develop lifelong bonds. You might start off really hot and heavy with a particular couple but find yourself losing interest in playing with them at some point. You and your partner might still be very attracted to another couple after half a dozen playdates but be totally turned off about the drama they bring to the table. Don’t expect every couple that you play with to become bosom buddies; it’s just not realistic. Lifestyle relationships fizzle out just like vanilla relationships do. We are going to take some time to talk about how to handle breaking up with people in the lifestyle. As the song says, breaking up is hard to do. As much as we are all (hopefully) mature adults, it can still feel like high school drama and that is not fun for anyone.
There are countless reasons to break up with other swingers. Maybe you want to have full swap and don’t enjoy their limit of soft swap only. Maybe they are bad kissers or need to improve their bedroom skills. Maybe they just aren’t fun to chat with. Honestly, it doesn’t matter why it’s not working. You do not need to justify why you are breaking up to anyone except your partner.
That being said, it is polite to provide closure so there are no misunderstandings. When you reach out to the other couple for the breakup, your former play partners might ask you why. You don’t have justify yourself but you might want to share a helpful insight. Just think twice to make sure it wouldn’t hurt anybody’s ego or feelings. A good general rule in the lifestyle is to be honest. This does not mean you should be brutally honest. It’s usually better to not fully volunteer all of the reasons you want space from the other couple. Be tactful and compassionate.
Remember the lifestyle community is relatively small. You might see these people again at parties and events, so you don’t want to make this a bad, dramatic breakup. Even if you never see these people again, you don’t want them to be trash talking you to other people in the community. Try extra hard to be mature and polite when breaking up with others. When feelings get involved, it is easy to make a mistake that you will regret later. If you ever feel overwhelmed, step back and recompose yourself.
Here are some sample communications of a breakup to help you come up with your own message.
- “We have really enjoyed playing with you, but we have decided on a new rule about repeat playing to help us avoid jealousy issues. Going forward, we aren’t going to play with the same couple again within xx months. We hope you understand and look forward to seeing you at future parties.”
- “You are a great soft swap couple, but we are trying to explore more with full swap so we aren’t going to play with soft swap-only couples. You are great friends and we don’t want to risk pressuring you, so we are going to just party with you and not play together. We do look forward to still being friends because you guys are awesome.”
- “It was good seeing you guys. We have been talking and have decided that it would be better if we were just friends without benefits. We feel a four-way connection when chatting and partying with you guys, but just don’t have the same four-way connection in the bedroom.”
- “It has been fun getting to know you better. Our vanilla life is getting extra busy so we don’t have enough time to stay up-to-date with the lifestyle. We didn’t want to ghost you or make you feel like we are upset about anything. We don’t have time for the lifestyle right now, so we would just like to be vanilla friends going forward.”
- “You guys are a really fun couple. We were thinking about our last date all through the family reunion! Unfortunately, we met my cousin’s new husband, and he bears an uncanny resemblance to you, Bob. We just don’t feel comfortable with sexy time anymore, since it just reminds us of our new family connection. We hope we can still hang out together because we always have a great time with you guys.”
Receiving End of a Break-up
Eventually, you will probably find yourself on the receiving end of the breakup. Don’t get defensive. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a great person or a great swinger. It just means you aren’t the best match for this specific couple, for what they specifically want right now. Maybe they want more variety, or maybe they are struggling with issues in their relationship, or maybe you are so amazing that they feel intimidated. It doesn’t matter. You don’t want to play with another couple that isn’t eager to play with you. There are plenty of other options for you to enjoy.
If another couple ends up “ghosting” you, just move on. Don’t get upset that they stopped all communication. Yes, it is rude, but you have better things to occupy your time and energy. We’ve heard of many reasons why people disappear on others. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong, but there’s no point in it. Don’t waste time on a ship that has already sailed.
Breaking up is never a fun thing for anyone involved. Thankfully we are all adults and we can be mature and understanding about it.