Swinging can be a fulfilling experience for you and your partner, but there is plenty of potential for things to veer off-course if you aren’t careful…especially if you are relatively young and less experienced in your relationship. We’re here to help you avoid those potential bumps along the road of your swinging journey. As you navigate through this you should be aware of some of the common pitfalls and blunders that many other young swingers have stumbled into. This does not mean that you will always successfully avoid them – we are all human after all – but the more knowledge you have the better you can identify them and remedy the situation to better navigate if for you & your relationship. Here are the top blunders to avoid as a young swinger…
1. Not communicating with your partner
If you cannot tell your partner what you are feeling, this can turn small issues into very serious problems. Communication with your partner has to go beyond just agreeing to partake in the swinging lifestyle. Once your relationship involves intimate relationships with other couples, small and big issues may become compounded. Keeping your feelings bottled up will likely curtail what is supposed to be a wonderfully fulfilling experience. As you keep mum about your feelings, pleasant or unpleasant, you set up the stage for frequent fights and resentment.
To avoid creating bigger problems in the relationship, find time to talk about your feelings, even if you have to set a date for these conversations. Allow yourself to talk or listen without rushing to accuse or defend. If you can’t find it in yourselves to talk about the difficult things without help, consider booking a therapy session. If your relationship isn’t strong enough to freely discuss issues, then it might not be ready for swinging even if you both feel excited. Best to focus on your communication skills.
2. Going too far too fast
The decision to start swinging is just one of the many decisions that you will have to make as you both navigate your way through this new dynamic in your relationship. Many young swingers tend to believe that they are ready to tackle whatever comes their way once they start their journey. However, as confident as you are, you may fail to account for the different emotions that crop up once reality hits. Jealousy, unwillingness to share your partner, insecurities about your body, and anxieties are just some of the emotions that can quickly overwhelm one or both of you. These hurdles can even pop-up in the middle of intimacy or afterwards as thoughts might rise up from your subconscious. Here are some intimacy exercises to help with these hurdles.
Non-monogamy tends to be a very different dynamic than anything most people have previously experienced. The safest way to approach swinging is by starting slow and only going as fast as the comfort level of the slowest person. Tackle one part of the journey at a time before going all in. Attend a swingers’ party or club and stay in the sidelines, taking in the scene unfolding in front of you. Or if you feel more comfortable with a one-on-one meeting, start off with foreplay. This allows you to develop confidence and get used to the swirling emotions that can potentially surprise you. As you communicate with your partner about the steps you are taking, the more comfortable the two of you will get before taking it all the way. Remember, you are young & have plenty of time to go swinging. There is no need to risk your amazing relationship by rushing in too fast.
3. Failing to set boundaries
Swinging is designed to be a pleasurable experience for all involved, and it requires careful thought and consideration about your partner’s needs. You might think that not setting boundaries is wise because it allows both of you to go as far as you can or want to – but it tends to be a disaster waiting to happen. Swinging boundaries are less about limiting the experience and more about ensuring everyone will be happy and comfortable afterwards. They are an integral part of the swinging lifestyle, as they allow both of you to derive mutual pleasure from the experience with the security of staying within your mutually agreed comfort zone.
Communicating boundaries with your partner helps both of you understand each other’s needs, goals, and limits. As you become more comfortable with going just a little bit further, the boundaries can be shifted. This is especially important with younger swingers who might be less experienced with their partner’s feelings and concerns.
4. Getting desperate
While life may be stranger than fiction, this does not mean that your swinging journey will follow what you see in Hollywood movies (which are often very inaccurate). In real life, finding partners that you are compatible with often requires a bit of hard work and a long journey. However, this is not an excuse to hook up with the first couple that shows you any interest, or worse still, hound the people you think will be a good match for you and your partner. To make it less difficult finding other swinger couples look up the popular swinger site in your local area.
As you start looking for swinging partners to play with, practice patience. Allow yourselves to carefully vet any potential partners without desperation clouding your judgment. Your first swinging experience will forever impact how you approach your future playmates, so take the time to find partners who will make your experience worth it. Remember this is a team decision. Do not pressure your partner or allow your partner to pressure you. Yes, it is harder to make a four way connection between two couples but the end result is very much worth the effort.
5. Taking one for the team
As you start meeting other couples, it is common for one of you to not be attracted to another person you are thinking about swinging together. Your partner might seamlessly hit it off with their playmate. Just like you aren’t going to act desperate, you also shouldn’t compromise and sacrifice. We all enjoy making our special someone feel happy but making a sacrifice for the team is a big mistake. It can lead to resentment and many other negative feelings. With so many different swingers to choose from, it is wiser to simply spend more time looking and skip the comprising and sacrificing.
Swinging is supposed to be about mutual satisfaction – both for you and your partner. For this reason alone, it is very important that you only play with couples you are BOTH attracted to. Taking one for the team diminishes the importance of your own needs and satisfaction, and this can be very detrimental to your loving relationship. Protect your amazing relationship by valuing each other & not allowing anyone to take a hit for the team.
6. Expecting others to make the first move
Shyness is expected since you are not really used to the lifestyle. As you place ads or attend swinger clubs or parties, you have to be willing to make the first move. Sitting in a corner by yourselves or failing to answer ads placed by others greatly limits your chances of meeting your next playmates. At parties or clubs, this may send a message to the others that you are just there to watch. If this is your intention, that’s okay. If not, mingle with others. You are not obligated to have sex with everyone you meet, and socializing gets you one step closer to having your needs fulfilled when you are finally ready.
Of course, it is easier to say this than it is to be brave enough to make the first move. Here are tips to make it easier for you to approach other swingers.
7. Taking rejection personally
As you and your partner begin looking for potential playmates, you are likely to face rejection on a number of occasions. Nobody enjoys rejections but it is not really a negative thing. It simply means there isn’t a four way connection. Remember you don’t want to take a hit for the team, so you will probably reject plenty of offers yourself. We all have personal preferences, so not everyone is a good match. For example some swingers might be too young or too old for your preference or their preference. That isn’t a bad thing. It is better to discover it’s a bad match sooner than later so you can save time and focus your energy on swinging couples that will be a good match for you.
While rejection can sting, you have to learn not to take it personally. Getting angry or acting out after facing a rejection is a sure way to drive them away from you, and discourage others from choosing you. Learn to take rejection in stride, and if it feels overwhelming, lick your wounds in private, away from any prying eyes. Most swingers prefer a drama-free experience, so throwing a tantrum is bound to hurt your journey. You are both amazing people
8. Expecting friendship from the other couple
It is not uncommon for couples to become great friends after meeting as play partners. However, this is definitely not the case for all couples that play together. As you start hitting it off with other couples, do not hold onto great expectations of friendship. While getting to know each other before engaging intimately is okay, hanging out outside of the swinging relationship is not a given. Be willing to have a good time and let go afterwards. Set low expectations to avoid being disappointed.
Don’t be surprised if some of the young swingers that declined swinging with you, turn into good party friends. Just because there wasn’t a four way sexy connection, doesn’t mean you can’t party together. Being mature and friendly to others often will result in very rewarding experiences.
Swinging is simply a bonus to your already amazing relationship. When in doubt, do what is best for you & your relationship. Swinging isn’t always a good match for every couple or for every stage of your relationship. It might be smart to take a break and focus on your own relationship. As long as you think twice and clearly communicate with each other before acting you can have a very enjoyable & sensual life.