A lot of people imagine swinger parties to be places where everyone walks around naked – or at least very scantily clad – and confidently displaying their goods for all the world to see. And, of course, all these naked people are perfectly comfortable approaching whoever they have their eyes on for with the promise of mind-blowing sex.
Sure, it’s a nice fantasy but it’s far from reality. The truth is that lifestyle clubs and parties are not full of people who think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. The lifestyle community is just like any other community – full of all different kinds of people. Some are incredibly confident, many are a little insecure. Some are gregarious while others are more reserved.
This isn’t always the case for everyone. All sorts enjoying swinging and you don’t need to be the most confident person in the world to fit in and find your place. Perhaps you were attracted to the lifestyle because you wanted to open up and live out some of your fantasies. Maybe you want to be less of a shrinking violet? We’re here to help explain how you can empower yourself to enjoy the most from your swinging experiences.
You need to be able to speak up and express what you like and don’t like. What you want and what’s a hard no. Problems might pop up if your partner is more confident and finds it easier to put themselves out there and you don’t speak up. That can lead to boundaries get crossed and disagreements. Or maybe you are stuck playing out scenarios they like every time or going with the couple they want and the places they want to go. Your partner might not even be aware that this is happening. Especially if it has become the norm.
To make swinging work as a couple you have to be able to open up to each other. If you can’t do that then you probably need to work on your relationship first before letting anyone else get involved, especially sexually. Trust plays a huge role in whether or not swinging is going to be successful for you. Get comfortable with talking about sex with each other before you even attempt any type of group scenario. This might be difficult for some people at first but the more you do it the easier it will get.
If you feel very uncomfortable, you can start by speaking up on little things. The more you speak up the more comfortable you will become. Seeing how your wishes and preferences are respected, will help encourage you to keep speaking up even more. It is not easy, but challenge yourself to take a little step each day and you’ll be amazed at the progress you can make in a few weeks.
Discuss your kinks and fetishes, your sexuality, turn-ons, turn-offs, and what your boundaries are. You need to know all your partner’s rules and vice versa so you don’t accidentally overstep and make them uncomfortable. Here is a secret a lot of people don’t know. No one in the world is completely vanilla. Everyone has a kink of some sort. There are just those who chase theirs and own it and those who wish they were brave enough to do the same.
Check-in with each other when interacting with new friends. One or both of you may not want to voice boundaries in front of strangers. If this is the case before engaging with anyone or doing anything new check that your partner is okay with things proceeding. You can even come up with signals or code words if you want to be extra discreet. Pretty soon you will know your partner’s limits without having to check as much but to get there you need to talk first.
Remember Others Are Shy
If you are new and go down the route of clubs and parties, you will probably have noticed that wallflowers are few and far between. Remember why you are there. Approaching strangers can feel nerve-wracking but the worst thing they can say is no thanks but you will find most are more scared than you and shy. Often they will be super grateful for you being braver than them and making the first move to start a conversation. Remember, if they truly wanted to be alone then they would have stayed at home. Being at a club or party, means they want to socialize even if they feel more shy or scared than you.
Set yourself a challenge where you have to say hello to at least one other couple you both like the next time you are out. If you manage that the next time try for two and so on until chatting to strangers isn’t such a big deal. Don’t hideaway in the corner either. Be open and friendly. Simply smiling and waving hello can work wonders for making new friends.
Setbacks Can Happen
You may find yourself in a position where your partner crosses the line and engages in activities that test your boundaries even though you discussed it before. This can be awkward to deal with at the moment but it’s better to nip it in the bud before it happens than wait until you are alone and the deeds have been done. If you are too uncomfortable to voice your discomfort in front of a crowd, then pull your partner aside or use one of your pre-made signals or codes.
If your partner is acting this way regularly because they know you are unwilling to speak up it may be time to give them an ultimatum. Any more bad behavior and refuse to participate in swinging with them any longer. Swinging is supposed to be a bonus to your great relationship and not a source of stress for it.
Sometimes we all go along with things we don’t necessarily love because it does it for our other half. If you understand and are doing it for the right reasons then that’s completely fine. If you’re being coerced on the other hand you need to remember why you are even swinging in the first place. The answer should be something along the lines of sexual exploration and fun. Ask yourself that question after every encounter. Am I having fun? If the answer is more no then yes why are you bothering? Be the best advocate for yourself.
Defend Your Preferences
If you do something your partner likes one week discuss the week after being your choice. Ideally, you can also find activities that you both love but compromise and give and take will always play a part in your relationship to some degree.
If other couples are pushy or try to do anything you discussed as a limit you don’t need to cause a big scene. You can simply get up and leave. You have all agreed that this is a casual relationship so you don’t owe them any kind of explanation. If you are at a party or club and feel intimidated, you can always talk to the hosts and/or security. That kind of behavior is not tolerated and most likely they will be kicked out.
If you don’t like a person or couple that your partner is into, don’t feel like you have to take one for the team. Again this is where codes and signals come in handy. Do not let your partner or the other couple guilt you into participating. If you feel awkward about it tell them that tonight you are just there to watch.
Rejections Are Good
Rejections are something that you will come across and the very best practice is telling the truth. You don’t need to be mean to tell someone that you just aren’t interested. You should practice politely saying no when you are out at parties or nightclubs. Simply saying “no thank you, I’m not interested.” is all you need to do. This simple polite response saves them time and protects you from an uncomfortable situation. Others will appreciate your gentle honesty and the world won’t fall out from under you.
Don’t be afraid of rejection. No one wants to waste time or make a bad connection. This is why rejection is a good and helpful thing.
Share With Others
Speak up during sex more often. Remember that as much as swingers like to receive pleasure, swingers also love the ego stroke of being able to give it too. They want to know that they gave you an amazing time.
If you are shy about sharing your preferences and kinks, you can try to incorporate them into a roleplay story. Tell them the kink but put them in it. For example, if you like rope play you can tell them how sexy you would find it to see them tied up instead of just saying you like to tie people up. You are much more likely to get positive responses when you include them in the narrative.
Giving verbal & non-verbal cues is super helpful to your new play partners. If you feel uncomfortable speaking up, you can moan extra loud when they do it or if they come close to a certain body part you want to receive extra attention. Help them, help you have an amazing time.
Lastly, sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it and no we don’t mean fake that, we mean confidence and assertiveness. It might felt strange talking about your kinks and boundaries now or taking a more dominant role in the bedroom but everything is scary when it’s new. Push through the fear and do it anyway. Eventually, you will realize it doesn’t bother you anymore, and being more confident is second nature.