Being a swinger, or in any non-monogamous relationship, is a strange concept to most people because society tells us that being “faithful” or “committed” requires happily having sex with just one person for the rest of our lives. So why would someone choose an alternative lifestyle? If you have watched Hollywood movies, you might be wondering if it is because that person became “broken” from some traumatic event.
Maybe that trauma steered them off-course. Why else would someone choose to share his or her most beloved partner and feel comfortable trusting them to have sex with others? That sounds like a crazy proposition to many people. They can’t understand non-monogamy so someone must be mentally broken or screwed-up to try such a crazy thing, right?
We Live in a Flawed World
First, let’s step back and explore the actual truth about traumatic experiences. Unfortunately, trauma is widespread across all of our lives, regardless if you are a swinger or not. You might not think that but that’s because we tend to amplify good news and avoid focusing on the uncomfortable bad news.
People love to share the good things in their lives like a new car, a cute baby, or their fancy vacation. It is lovely to bask in the brighter moments of our lives and have our family & friends share their admiration. But when struggles happen in life, people often become embarrassed. Many are afraid they will be shunned or carry around stigma in their social circles. Society often teaches us to hide our weaknesses. When we do share our weak moments, it can be scary to others so their response to struggling people is often muted compared to how they respond to happier moments in life.
OK, so many people publicize good things more than the bad things in their lives. But that doesn’t prove trauma is widespread. So let’s talk about a few facts to better understand how widespread trauma is in our lives.
- A 2018 study by the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, found that at least 60% of all children experienced trauma like physical abuse, sexual trauma, and serious illness.
- According to the CDC, more than 1 out 3 of all women and nearly 1 out 4 of all men have or will experience sexual violence.
- According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 out 4 women and 1 out 7 men will experience severe domestic violence (e.g. beating, burning, strangling).
The sad truth is that these numbers are likely under-reported by a large margin. Many victims are afraid and incapable of coming forward. They are often trapped in a dangerous living environment that prevents them from sharing their truth and receiving help. This is why so many cases of child abuse and rape are only discovered decades later.
Let’s take another step back and talk about comparing the different types of trauma because we just mentioned a few types without even mentioning bullying, suicide, drug abuse, and unfortunately so many other types. To be clear there is no good or easy version of it. Trauma is similar to drowning. It doesn’t matter if you are drowning in 6 feet of water or 600 feet, the end result is bad regardless. If you have a less horrific trauma or a more horrific trauma, you still are facing a horrific trauma.
The sad truth is that just about all of society has faced or will face trauma in their life. So maybe the swinging lifestyle isn’t some weird thing that happens to people after they encounter trauma.
Are Swingers Regular People?
As those unfortunate statistics show, trauma is a widespread issue. On a happier note, there is a different widespread issue that tends to be much more enjoyable – sex. This topic is often taboo for many people but judging by the billions of babies being born every year, it is definitely a common occurrence. Why not? Sex helps to connect people and let’s be honest, feels oh so good!
When practiced by mature people in a safe & ethical manner, sex provides a healthy way to shine some happiness to can counter the negativity and struggles, everyone faces in their life. You like sex, they like sex, everyone likes sex. Well, maybe not our asexual friends but you get the point. Sex is fun and it is normal to desire it.
Swingers are regular people who enjoy sex just like you. No, swingers aren’t nymphomaniacs. Because swingers are already enjoying a healthy sex life at home, they tend to be a bit more selective when making new sexual connections in the swinging lifestyle.
It can be hard for some people to understand why swingers would open up their sex life to others. If they are already enjoying good sex life at home, why seek out more? For those people, we suggest thinking about it as a person that makes incredible desserts at home and is also interested in trying the desserts at bakeries & restaurants.
Why Swinging Attracts
The swinging lifestyle provides a unique opportunity for people to enjoy their life.
Swinging is all about collaborating and sharing. Isn’t swapping partners one of the biggest sharing gestures you can do? Let’s be clear – that sharing requires maturity, communication & consent.
We propose it is less about the swinging lifestyle attracting traumatized people and more about swinging offering a safe place where people can feel empowered to open up and share their stories.
What is so empowering? Well, the swinging community tends to be welcoming of all people. It is a more mature space that places a high value on respect and consent. This creates an atmosphere that is liberating for the sexy fun that swingers are famous for enjoying. That liberated space also opens the door for honest sharing.
If trauma isn’t the cause of swingers, why would people choose this alternative?