Even in the straight edge vanilla dating world, approaching someone you’re interested in can be nerve-wracking, and most of us have had to do it at some point or another. We’ve all faced this nervous moment. What do I say? Do I look good today? Will I be rejected? It’s hard! But in the swinger community, there’s even more to consider because now it’s not just about you, it’s about your partner as well and establishing a four-way connection between the both of you & the both of them. You know you’re attracted to them, but will the other couple feel the same about you? Should you be forward? Take things slowly? Especially if it’s your first time at a swinger’s club or on a swinger dating website, it can be overwhelming just to be there, let alone approach a new potential couple to arrange a sexy swap.
The good news is that the swinging community is a welcoming one, and you can rest assured you already have one thing in common! So don’t be shy, which we know is easier to say than feel. We are here to help your chances with these tips to give you a better chance of a successful swinging approach. The swinging etiquette varies depending on if you’re meeting couples in person or online, but the general atmosphere of the invite should remain the same.
If you’re at a swinger club or house party…
- Wait to catch someone’s eye
You are sexy people and should feel confident with yourself. When you enter the room, play it cool but don’t be cold. Act like you have seen sexy people before even if they are amazingly hot and right in front of you. Spend some time cruising the room being friendly and waving hello. Don’t be afraid of being friendly toward larger groups of people. It is often easier than you may think to break into a swinger clique. After you have walked through the room, make sure to consult with your partner to see which couples you both find attractive. You don’t want to spend time flirting with someone if your partner isn’t interested. Once you’ve come to an agreement, you can walk over and say hello again and start your flirting.
- Keep it simple, say hello
It’s as simple as walking over and saying hi, offering a handshake, and introducing yourselves. You don’t have to use your last names if you want to protect your privacy. Only using your first names is very common because many swingers need to be discreet and because using full names is more formal. They’ll most likely be interested in chatting to see where things go. If they aren’t interested, no worries, there are other people in the room and worst case you can have naughty fun with the sexiest person in the room – your own partner. Get ready for your swinger flirting to really start. Relax, you got this!
- Start a conversation
Talk about anything, don’t just jump into sex, your swap preferences, or anything too intense. It’s also important to remember that most people want to remain anonymous, so avoid any prying questions that are too specific like where they work or where their kids go to school. It’s fine to ask more general questions like what they do for work, and how many kids they have, for example. Be sure to listen – people love to talk about themselves. Another way to let them know you’re interested is to give compliments and do a little flirting. If this doesn’t sound comfortable, we have written extra conversation tips for shy swingers to help you feel more comfortable.
- Bring up the lifestyle
At this point, once the conversation is flowing and both parties are keen, it’s appropriate to talk about the lifestyle. You can talk about how long you’ve been a part of the community, how often you come to that specific swinger club, what other swinger clubs they like to visit.
- Bring up what you came here to do
Let’s remember you aim to seduce the other couple, not be vulgar or sleazy. You want a smooth transition from flirting to sexy swinging. If things are going well, sexual tension is building and you’re ready to play, invite the other couple to one of the playrooms. You’ll know when this feels right. If you are nervous about popping the big question here are some approaches you can try.
- One-on-one can be less intimidating. Ladies, if you go to the restroom together you can let the other lady know there is a green light for sexy fun in case they are interested. Men, when the ladies visit the restroom you can also have the same chat one-on-one.
- Be seductive in a subtle way. Try saying something like “You are the type of couple we would love to play with”. You aren’t directly asking them but you are opening the door for them if they want to step up.
- Be direct. Once you think there is a good four-way connection, you can simply say “We think you are sexy, would you like to see if there is a room available for us to play together?” It really can be that simple. If they are into you, it’s easy for them to agree. If they aren’t ready for that, they can politely decline or ask for a bit more time and that is fine.
- Unsure? Are you getting mixed signals or aren’t 100% sure you’re reading their signals correctly? Relax, you can slyly gain a better understanding of their intent by asking if they would like a tour/to give you a tour of the sex play areas. If they are into you, this will create an easy opportunity for play to start with a very personal tour. If they decline the tour, that is a good sign they aren’t interested (or at least not yet) and you can choose to keep talking or to go chat with other couples.
If you’re approaching vanilla people…
We understand that you will come across sexy people in the vanilla world and you might even want to invite these vanilla people to join you in the swinging world. Before you do that we should talk about a few things.
- Are you thinking clearly? If you have been drinking, you might not be thinking clearly and could be overlooking some privacy pitfalls. First of all, once your swinging secret is exposed it is almost impossible to regain your privacy. Secondly, your excitement might make you a bit blind to certain signals that they really aren’t interested in you sexually. Have some good sex with your partner or give yourself a five-finger workout and then think about it. Does it still seem like a good idea? Swinging on a vanilla cruise is probably okay but swinging with your best friend from work is probably not a good idea.
- Think about breaking-up before fantasizing about making out. Veteran swingers know that these playful relationships tend to be short-lived and are okay with swinger break-ups. Vanilla people don’t understand this and aren’t experienced with handling jealousy or personal boundaries in swinging so the odds of a bumpy situation are higher when recruiting a vanilla person or couple for swinging fun. If this vanilla person is a friend or work connection, it can expose you to all sorts of headaches afterward. Even if the vanilla person is happy afterward, they might confide in the wrong person and expose your swinging secret to your vanilla circle. Is that long-term risk worth the short-term fun? If you are thinking about a vanilla person you will have to see every day, then probably not. If you are picking up a random vanilla person on a cruise, the risk of exposure in your “real” world is less but then there is the whole is it safe to pick up a stranger issue.
- Most vanilla people aren’t into non-monogamy. Research shows only about 1 out of 5 adults have experimented with some form of non-monogamy at some point in their life and few of them continue it. The swinging community is a small minority in the big world. Just because you enjoy swinging, don’t assume other people feel the same way. Many people like to dress sexy, dance seductively, and talk dirty but that doesn’t mean they are comfortable with swinging or are even sexually active at all. Think twice before approaching vanilla people. Still, want to invite vanilla people to swing? Hopefully, you are thinking clearly and have found a couple that would be a great match for swapping. Here are some tips to help start that conversation.
- Let the ladies lead the conversation. A common misunderstanding about swinging is that men are pressuring their ladies to do something they don’t want. A simple solution is to let the ladies talk. An experienced lifestyle lady can show you are both comfortable with this and answer any questions the vanilla lady might have.
- Don’t rush it. Swinging is a very different concept than vanilla hook-ups. There are often many questions and worries from vanilla people. Take the time to listen and address each one they have. You want the vanilla people to feel comfortable and not run away. That means having patience and not rushing it.
- Consider smaller steps. You don’t have to immediately rush into full swap swinging, especially if it’s their first time. Think about doing some introductory steps like kissing or touching. Proceeding only as fast as the comfort level of the slowest person shows you respect them and can be trusted. Taking smaller steps and proceeding slower also helps to minimize the chances of a full-blown dramatic blow-up. Better to be safe than sorry.
If you’re contacting swinger couples online…
- Create an engaging profile
Fill in as much information about yourselves as possible. Try to include some of your favorite movies or music, favorite places to vacation – things that are easy conversation starters for other couples on the site. Make your personalities shine through as much as possible! People will be more interested in getting to know you if you take the time to create a better swinger profile. It’s also good to give your profile a proofread. Swingers generally are more attracted to hot and interesting couples that take the time to proofread. Not to mention a single typo can totally change your message like guy vs gay. Be smart and pay attention to your profile. Make sure you are ready to receive visitors and give a great first impression.
- Introduce yourselves
Say hello and try to compliment a specific feature from their profile that drew you to them. Either something from their description or their looks. Reaching out to others is the best way to make friends, partners, or even just learn more about the lifestyle. Dating is just a trial and error process – you learn what works for you and what doesn’t. It’s good to keep in mind that everyone is on the dating site for the same reason! Online swingers want to be contacted, so there’s no need to be shy. Just like the real world, online swingers prefer real letters to junk mail. When you find a couple, make sure to write a personalized message to them. Using a generic copy & paste message can be a big turn-off to many swingers.
- Start a conversation
When they respond to your initial message, you can bring up another topic. It’s best to start light, but depending on what they’ve listed in their profile, you might feel comfortable jumping into talking about the lifestyle. Online dating tends to be more to the point than a random meeting in public, but that’s not always the case. Try to get a vibe for how slow or fast they want to take things and continue if that suits you and your partner’s expectations as well. Newbies are more likely to want to ease into it, while veteran swingers might be keen to meet up right away. Remember the more personalized you can make the messages, the better your chances become. It also reduces the chances of being ghosted by a nervous swinging couple.
- Send some sexy photos
Your potential playmates will want something to look forward to. If you are reaching out to the couple, it is a good idea to take the first step and unlock some of your private photos on the swinger dating site or attach some pictures in your message. You don’t have to immediately send fully nude pics; some would say it’s better to save that until you’re in-person to keep their imaginations running wild! If you’re not comfortable sending nudes over the internet, you can suggest moving your conversation offline to an encrypted swinger messaging app. You don’t need to immediately share photos of your face, or any notable tattoos, etc., until you’re comfortable and trust the people you’re chatting with. They will most likely want to see your pretty face before agreeing to see you in person. You don’t have to send seductive pictures, but it’s a sure way to heat up the conversation and improve your odds of making a sexy connection.
- Suggest a meetup
It’s up to you how and where you want to meet. Some people like to dive right in and invite the other couple over for some sexy drinks and play. Others prefer to meet in a public place like a bar or restaurant before bringing everyone home or grabbing a hotel room. Remember that the internet is lawless, and not everyone tells the truth about themselves. This is why you should use the paid swinger sites because they do a much better job of screening out the fakers and troublemakers. Keep your wits about you until you get to know the other pair, and never do anything you’re not comfortable with or breaks an established rule. One of the advantages of dating as swingers is that you’ll have your partner with you. This not only makes it easier to relax with your love by your side but also means there’s another layer of safety that unfortunately isn’t there for single daters.
- Be honest with yourselves
If at any point in the courting process you get the message that one or both individuals might not be interested, it’s best to politely step away and mingle or chat online with another couple. If you aren’t sure about warning signs to look for, then check out these swinger screening questions. Swinging is best when all parties are equally involved, and there are millions of other options out there. So find a couple you can’t wait to play with!